Entries from April 2005

Sunday, April 24th, 2005

Bush: Killing Some Chinese Would Lower Gas Prices

President Bush made what many see as a radical proposal this weekend to curb rising oil prices, suggesting that the United States and other nations use their military to halve the Chinese population, thereby considerably reducing demand for oil.

Tuesday, April 19th, 2005

President: Let’s Count Two Poor People As One

President Bush shocked a joint session of the South Carolina Legislature when he announced what he called “the solution” that will keep Social Security solvent.

Saturday, April 9th, 2005

President’s Approval Drops; Terror Alert Should Come Thursday

President Bush’s approval rating has dipped down to just 44%, the lowest of his presidency.

Thursday, April 7th, 2005

Straight Idiots Free to Marry, Reproduce at Will

Kansas voters yesterday approved an amendment to their state constitution banning gay marriage, with roughly 70% voting for the amendment and only 30% opposing.

Wednesday, April 6th, 2005

Abstinence-or-Bestiality Policy Proposed for Teens

In response to recent criticism of abstinence-only education programs, based on findings revealing that teens involved in the programs were engaging in anal and oral sex as a way to avoid losing their “virginity,” the Bush administration yesterday proposed the new Abstinence-Or-Bestiality plan, aimed at giving students another option.

Monday, April 4th, 2005

Overweight Volunteers Patrol Arizona Border, Defend Nation by Sitting

The Minuteman Project, a group of roughly 200 volunteers who have signed up to patrol the border between Mexico and Arizona throughout the month of April, got its start this weekend.

Friday, April 1st, 2005

CIA: We Don’t Share Information With The Poopy-head FBI

A report by a presidential commission charged with investigating intelligence failures prior to the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks finds that U.S. intelligence gathering is more awful than anyone even imagined.