The National Protrusion

Mos Eisley, Tatooine - The latest in a seemingly endless string of vicious battles erupted here today between Wookiee-Ewok Coalition forces and the relentless, ever-growing Jawa insurgency. 12 Ewoks were killed before the insurgents finally gave up and fled Mos Eisley and the town was once again secured by the Wookiee-Ewok forces. Chewbacca, leader of the forces, said, “Gronnnk, gronnnk-gronnnk,” when asked about the difficult battle.

But some Ewoks were more outspoken about their frustrations. Speaking through a translator, and on condition of anonymity, one Ewok fighter said, “We don’t even have the basic supplies we need, the basic tools to do the job they gave us.” He said the Wookiee-Ewok forces often have to rely on improvised weapons, such as handmade slingshots and sand-bombs. “This is not right. The New Republic government makes the decision to invade this planet, take it over, and now who has to clean it up? Us. And the Wookiees. It’s always the ones with fur that have to fight for the ones without. It’s a story as old as Yoda.”

The New Republic declared war on Tatooine in March of 2003, and launched a full-scale invasion, ostensibly because of what they called, “suspicious weapons-hoarding activity” by the Jawas. Shortly after the invasion, however, evidence began to mount which showed that intelligence data presented to the public to build support for the invasion were either outdated or fabricated. Partially because of this, the citizens of the New Republic quickly lost faith in the war effort. The majority of citizens now favor pulling out of Tatooine, either partially or completely.

Critics of the war say that the presence of the New Republic on Tatooine aggravated an already contentious relationship between the Jawas and the Tusken Raiders, or Sand People, with whom the Jawas share the planet. That relationship has been on the brink of civil war for generations, and when the New Republic tried to stand up a Tusken Raider-led government in late 2005, an already burgeoning Jawa insurgency gathered full steam. Attacks against Wookiee-Ewok forces began occurring several times a day shortly thereafter, and haven’t let up since.

“We fight for our land, our planet,” a Jawa insurgent said, his hood pulled down over his two yellow eyes to conceal his identity. “Mos Eisley is our home. I grew up here. Well, I didn’t exactly grow, I’m 2′3″. But you know what I mean.”

Supreme Commander of the New Republic Defense Force, Admiral Ackbar, will give his long-awaited and highly anticipated progress report to the Senate next week. It is expected to include plans for at least a partial drawdown of Wookiee-Ewok forces.

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