The National Protrusion

In California ahead of a Republican debate at the Ronald Reagan Library, Mitt Romney said voters can rely on him, “To be unwavering in my handsomeness.”

White House Spokesman Tony Fratto admitted yesterday that he has a recurring dream in which a chandelier falls from the ceiling onto the head of veteran White House reporter Helen Thomas.

Congressman Wally Herger attempted to sneak a bill through the House late last night which would have named him sole recipient of the nation’s entire supply of chocolate.

White House Press Secretary Dana Perino announced a White House proposal today that would entail, “an immediate and total withdrawal from all responsibility for the problems the country faces.”

President Bush delivered his final State of the Union address in iambic pentameter, a particular type of meter, used most often in poetry and drama.

In his final State of the Union speech tonight, President Bush plans to say he’s returning the United States of America to the British.

More and more lately, Former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld’s wife, Joyce, is finding her husband in the basement giving pretend press conferences to no one.

President Bush was forced to chastise members of his cabinet today for showing up to meetings solely for the free pizza given out by the president, then making up excuses to leave.

Fred Thompson ended his presidential campaign today, then admitted to reporters that he actually died several months ago, and had been, “going through the motions” ever since.

President Bush addressed the nation tonight to say he had ordered the United States military to, “Strike the fluctuating, unreliable U.S. economy before it can do any more damage.”

Democratic and Republican members of Congress pledged to battle the growing economic crisis facing the country with swift, meaningless action.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) was arrested and detained briefly by Capitol Hill Police officers today for allegedly opening his coat and showing other senators and members of Congress his economic stimulus package.