The National Protrusion

Washington – White House Press Secretary Dana Perino announced a White House proposal today that would entail, “an immediate and total withdrawal from all responsibility for the problems the country faces.” She urged Congress to approve the measure, once finalized by the White House.

“This measure is necessary and it is beneficial for the American people,” Perino said, reading from a prepared statement. “Specifically, it benefits President Bush, Vice President Cheney, and other White House and government officials, who are American people.”

A reporter later asked Perino, “What about other Americans? Does it benefit other Americans?”

“Uh, not so much,” Perino responded. “Except that, you know, they should want what’s best for the president and vice president, so in the sense that it will make them feel better to know that their president and vice president are free of blame, then yes, it does benefit them.”

“But not in any other way?” the reporter asked.

“You mean in any real way? God, no,” Perino said. “But I hasten to add that I can’t think of a measure we’ve proposed that did benefit anyone else, so it’s not like we’re doing anything out of the ordinary here.”

Pressed for other details of the measure, Perino said, “All I can tell you right now is that this withdrawal would start immediately, and it would be comprehensive. It would cover everything from the current economic crisis to the war in Iraq, as well as any ramifications from Hurricane Katrina. We’re willing to concede some responsibility on terrorism and the nation’s safety, but only in the sense that no attacks have occurred since 9/11. Should one occur, this measure would cover that as well, and that attack would then become the responsibility of the next president, whoever that might be.”

The White House has staunchly opposed any calls for immediate withdrawals of troops from Iraq, and Perino was adamant that the measure not be confused with any troop withdrawal. “The withdrawal from responsibility is to in no way coincide with any reduction in troop levels, in Iraq or Afghanistan,” Perino said. “This is strictly a withdrawal from responsibility, and as such, any withdrawals in troop levels will be someone else’s responsibility. If we took part in that, it would defeat the purpose of this bill entirely, and would make us responsible for something. That is exactly what we don’t want.”