2008 Election

After a long, bruising primary battle, Democratic nominee Barack Obama will face Republican John McCain in the November, 2008 Presidential Election.

Multimedia:

McCain Opposes Newest McCain Proposal

Presumptive Republican presidential nominee John McCain said today he “strongly opposes” a proposal made by John McCain regarding nuclear energy.

McCain Hires Anti-Lobby Lobbying Firm

John McCain today enlisted the services of Thomson and Thomson Consulting, a firm that specializes in lobbying Congress about the negatives of lobbying.

Clinton Will Accept VP Spot If She Can Be President Most of the Time

Hillary Rodham Clinton said she would accept an offer to serve as his vice president, if she is “allowed to be president most of the time, like three out of five weekdays.”

Obama: Crazy Pastors Just Seem to Love Me

Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama said that “inflammatory and controversial pastors just have a thing for me.”

Maverick McCain Orders Tuna Salad When Everyone Else is Getting Turkey

Republican presidential candidate John McCain reinforced his image as a maverick during a trip to a local deli, when the Arizona senator ordered tuna salad, while everyone accompanying him opted for the turkey and avocado special.

Clinton: You’ll Have to Kill Me

Presidential Hopeful Hillary Rodham Clinton erased any doubts about whether she would stay in the race for the Democratic nomination as long as she possibly can.

McCain Thinks Everyone at Town Hall Meeting is Robert Downey, Jr.

Presumptive Republican presidential nominee John McCain mistakenly thought everyone attending a town hall meeting was the actor Robert Downey, Jr.

Clinton: I’ll Kill Bin Laden With My Bare Hands

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton told supporters here, “You mess with President Hillary Clinton, you get strangled to death and your blood sucked out of a hole where your face used to be.”

McCain Vows to Defeat Nazis and Japanese in Iraq

John McCain vowed that if elected, he will “defeat the forces of Nazism in Iraq, and also the Japanese forces that are there, which is well known.”

Clinton Ahead, If You Count Delegates Pledged in Her Mind

“These delegates exist, all right. They exist right up here,” she said, pointing to her head.

Clinton Points Up Fighter Pilot Experience

Hillary Clinton said she is better equipped than Barack Obama to lead the country, in part because of her experience as a fighter pilot who participated in the NATO air strikes against Bosnian Serb military targets in 1995.

Clinton Challenges Obama to Cage Match

While she was campaigning in Scranton today, Hillary Clinton’s campaign released a statement challenging rival Barack Obama to a televised steel-cage wrestling match.

Romney Vows Continued Handsomeness

Mitt Romney told reporters that voters can rely on him, “To be unwavering in my handsomeness.”

Fred Thompson Admits He Died Several Months Ago

Fred Thompson ended his presidential campaign, then admitted to reporters that he actually died several months ago, and had been, “going through the motions” ever since.

Forgetting Human Disguise, Giuliani Appears On Stage as Giant Reptile

Rudolph Giuliani appeared before members of a steelworkers union here today having forgotten to wear his human being disguise, a suit of human-like skin which he wears for all public appearances.