Entries from March 2008

Sunday, March 30th, 2008

Clinton Ahead, If You Count Delegates Pledged in Her Mind

Presidential hopeful Hillary Rodham Clinton told a crowd of supporters that she is in fact ahead in pledged delegates “if you count the ones that are pledged in my mind.”

Friday, March 28th, 2008

CIA Inadvertently Destroys Two Senators

General Michael V. Hayden, director of the Central Intelligence Agency, testified on Capitol Hill today that the CIA “inadvertently destroyed two senators” who were at the agency’s headquarters in Langley, Virginia to hold a meeting with him.

Tuesday, March 25th, 2008

Bush Asks History to Preemptively Pardon Him

President Bush made a public plea today for History to preemptively pardon him from any negative judgments that might be leveled against him in the future.

Monday, March 24th, 2008

Clinton Points Up Fighter Pilot Experience

Hillary Clinton said she is better equipped than rival Barack Obama to lead the country, in part because of her experience as a fighter pilot who participated in the NATO air strikes against Bosnian Serb military targets in 1995.

Friday, March 21st, 2008

Bin Laden: You Will Pay for The Terrible ‘Garfield’ from Last Monday

In a purported Osama Bin Laden audio message, the Al Qaeda leader vows to enact revenge upon the West for publication of a “horribly unfunny and unoriginal” Garfield comic strip from Monday, March 10.

Thursday, March 20th, 2008

Cheney Embarks on Target-Finding Mission

Vice President Cheney began his tour of potential bombing targets in Montreal today.

Wednesday, March 19th, 2008

Bernanke Cuts Children’s Allowance .75%

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben S. Bernanke cut the amount his children receive in allowance from him and his wife Anna by .75 percent.

Monday, March 17th, 2008

Bush Urges Nation to Wait for Rich Uncle to Call and Offer Large Cash Gift

Hoping to defend himself against criticism that his administration hasn’t done enough to help average Americans who are struggling financially, President Bush met with Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson and several other economic advisers at the White House today.

Wednesday, March 12th, 2008

Study Finds Lifelong Link Between Bush, Flawed Intelligence

A Pentagon-sponsored study to be released Friday has found that President Bush has relied on deeply flawed intelligence since his birth.

Tuesday, March 11th, 2008

Clinton Challenges Obama to Cage Match

Hillary Clinton’s campaign released a statement challenging rival Barack Obama to a televised steel-cage wrestling match.

Friday, March 7th, 2008

U.S. to Stay on Offense Against Terror Until War is Won, or Until It Gets Very Tired

President Bush said today that the United States will stay “on the offensive against the terrorists and terror networks across the globe, right up until it gets really exhausting for us. Then, we’ll give it a rest.”

Thursday, March 6th, 2008

Cheney Appoints Special Envoy to Dessert Tray

Following a dinner at the White House last night, Vice President Dick Cheney appointed 19-year-old Donnie Jansen Special Envoy to the Dessert Tray, and quickly dispatched him to “work out the issue of what to have for dessert.”