Between You and Me, Scalia and Thomas Are Fat Assholes

By Samuel A. Alito, Jr.

You know, I thought that when I became a Supreme Court Justice I would find myself receiving a new kind of respect - maybe even a reverence, if I may be so bold. And in some ways, that’s been true. People do look on me with a certain reverence these days. Well, some people. There are, however, notable exceptions. Namely, my two “partners” on the Court, Justices Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas, both of whom, I’ve come to realize, are fat assholes.

You see, I realize that both Justice Scalia and Justice Thomas have served on the Supreme Court much longer than I have. And I realize that seniority brings with it a certain privilege. But I think I can honestly say I have given both men the respect they deserve and then some. But I do not believe that their seniority grants them the right to treat me with disrespect, which they have done on countless occasions.

For instance, beginning this spring, it became a tradition for the two justices to pin me up against the courthouse lockers following our conference sessions. Other times I would hear them snickering behind me in the hallway before one of the two yelled out, “Hey, Little Sammy!” or “Sammy A-light-o, why don’t you come over here and shed some a-light-o on this case for me?” Their immature bullying has taken several other forms as well, but you get the point.

I ask the two justices: Am I not a Supreme Court Justice, just as you are? What’s more, am I not a man? A man, and a human being? I hereby proclaim that I am a man, that I am a human being, and that I am, in fact, a Supreme Court Justice - just as the two of you are. I’d like to think this makes me at least as deserving of common decency as the two of you, the two justices I have so greatly admired for so many years.

And by the way, though you may choose to call me “Little Sammy,” I’m taller than both of you fat assholes.