Articles

Below is every news article published by The National Protrusion since its inception.

All Articles:

Cheney Refuses to Set Timetable for Withdrawal from White House

Vice President Dick Cheney said he will refuse any attempt to impose “unwise, politically-motivated timelines” for the Bush administration’s withdrawal from the White House.

Country Decides Toothpaste Makes Great Christmas Gift

Joe and Lori Metuchen realized something Friday, as they were waiting on a long line at 4:00 AM for a nearby Best Buy to open: toothpaste is a great gift for Christmas.

Palin’s Rating Among Moose, Wolves Has Plummeted

Palin’s approval rating among the two groups has dropped some 52%, from 71% before the election season, to just 19% this week.

[Audio] Paulson Suggests Allocating $35 Billion of Rescue Funds To Henry Paulson

NPNR’s David Overbearing reports on Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson’s testimony before the House Financial Services Committee, in which he suggested Congress approve the issuing of a Treasury check in the amount of $35 billion to Henry M. Paulson, Jr.

CEOs Say They May Have to Cut Back on Hookers and Blow

The CEOs of several investment banking, insurance and financial services giants appeared before the House Financial Services Committee Thursday to testify about the state of their companies’ financial health.

[Audio] Senator: I’m Fairly Certain I Didn’t Hack That Girl to Pieces

NPNR’s David Overbearing reports that Senator Casey Dudd of Kansas is facing increased scrutiny over his involvement in the gruesome murder of his female aide of seven years.

Cheney Asks if He Can Be Secretary of Evil

Vice President Dick Cheney asked Vice President-elect Joe Biden of Delaware about the possibility of serving in the Obama administration as Secretary of Evil.

[Audio] Americans Hoping to Be Cynical Again Soon

NPNR’s David Overbearing reports on the desire of many Americans to return to familiar attitudes of negativity and cynicism towards their government.

Cheney Vows to Remain in Secret White House Cave-Chamber Throughout Obama’s Tenure

Vice President Dick Cheney said today that he has no plans to leave his secret chamber, located somewhere within or near the White House, once Barack Obama begins his term as U.S. President in late January.

Sarah Palin Offers Husband Todd to GOP in Bizarre Sacrificial Ceremony

In an unusual sacrificial ceremony, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin offered her husband Todd to GOP leaders in exchange for a political future within the party.

Bush Asks Obama if He Can Keep “Some of the Really Good Pens”

President Bush reportedly called President-elect Barack Obama today to ask if he would mind if Mr. Bush took “some of the really good pens - the nice, heavy ones, with the White House seal.”

Smart Man Elected Somehow

Jeremy Montross, a stupid person from Michigan, was disappointed with the outcome of the election.

McCain Buys 3 Seconds of Air Time on Food Network

The campaign of Arizona Senator John McCain announced today that it had purchased three seconds of air time on the Food Network, during which time it will air an ad for the senator’s campaign.

Palin Pushes McCain Out of Campaign Plane

Republican Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin is trying to explain why she pushed Republican Presidential nominee John McCain off Mr. McCain’s campaign plane early this morning.

Bush Unlikely to Get White House Security Deposit Back

President Bush said he was “very disappointed” to learn that he will likely not be receiving any of the $3,000 security deposit he put down when he took over the White House in January of 2001.

McCain Hurls Bob Schieffer at Obama

The third and final debate between presidential candidates John McCain and Barack Obama abruptly ended when Senator McCain picked up moderator Bob Schieffer of CBS News and hurled him at Senator Obama.

McCain Wanders Off Debate Stage and Into Undergraduate Physics Lecture

Senator McCain wound up in a physics classroom, located in the same building, where he sat in on part of a lecture being given to undergraduate students.

Couric to Palin: Do You Know We’re Recording This?

Several times during her exclusive interview with Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin, CBS Evening News anchor Katie Couric asked Palin whether or not she was aware that the interviews were being taped, and that “other people would see them.”

Bush to Nation: You Will All Be Poor by Friday

President Bush addressed the nation to tell the American people, “You will all be poor by Friday, Monday at the latest.”

Palin: This Financial Situation Needs a Good Scrubbin’ and a Cleanin’

Campaigning with Senator John McCain in Pennsylvania Monday, Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin told an invited audience of nearly 3,000 that Wall Street needed “a good old-fashioned scrubbin’.”

Biden Quits Race Because He Can’t See Russia From Delaware

Democratic Vice Presidential candidate Joe Biden made a stunning announcement during a campaign stop today that he is leaving the race, effective immediately.

Edwards: I Only Slept with Kucinich Once

Former presidential candidate John Edwards told Brian Williams of NBC News that in addition to carrying on an affair with amateur filmmaker Rielle Hunter in 2006, he also had a tryst with fellow Democrat Dennis Kucinich the following year.

Gonzales Shows Up at Justice Department Dressed as Mukasey

Former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales showed up at the Robert F. Kennedy Department of Justice Building disguised as current Attorney General Michael B. Mukasey.

Audio: Top General Not Sure About Troops, But Surge in His Pants Working Like Gangbusters

General Howard B. Shannahan testified before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee that he knows for sure that the surge in his pants is achieving the desired results, and then some.

In Lab Tests, Anthrax Spores Die When Exposed to Cheney

In secret tests conducted in an underground laboratory, the mere presence of Vice President Dick Cheney rendered anthrax spores incapable of sustaining life.

Conyers Sends Rove Singing Subpoena-Gram

House Judiciary Committee Chairman John Conyers announced that he had sent former Bush aide Karl Rove a “singing subpoena-gram,” which Conyers said is like a singing telegram, except that it serves as a reminder to the recipient that he or she has been served with a subpoena that they have yet to respond to.

Oh, I’m Sorry, Mr. Obama, I Didn’t Realize You Were Running For President of Germany

The Mack Truck takes a break from his radio show to pen an opinion piece on Obama’s recent overseas trip.

Bush Asks NASA Engineers to Transport Him Back to 2002

President Bush asked the top NASA administrator if his team of engineers could “get me back to 2002, like maybe January.”

Exxon Mobil Vows to Reduce Nation’s Dependence on Other Companies’ Oil

“This country should not have to face the prospect of several different oil companies determining its economic fate,” CEO Rex V. Tillerson said in a statement.

Bush Finally Reads Job Description

President Bush said he was “shocked” by the expectations of a United States president as outlined in the position’s job description.

Between You and Me, Scalia and Thomas Are Fat Assholes

By Samuel A. Alito, Jr.

Gonzales Keeps Prank-Calling White House

Over the past several weeks, White House Switchboard Chief Operator Mary Brontson says the switchboard has received up to a dozen prank calls a day from former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales.

Democrats Promise Not to Make Noise While Republicans Are Working

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said today that Democrats in the Senate will do their best from now on not to “make any noise or otherwise disturb hardworking Senate Republicans.”

McCain Invades Iran Himself

Presumptive Republican presidential candidate John McCain flew an F-18 Hornet into Iranian airspace today and dropped several 2,000 lb. bombs on what he thought were important military targets. The bombs were actually dropped into a cluster of camels in an otherwise abandoned stretch of desert.

McCain Opposes Newest McCain Proposal

Presumptive Republican presidential nominee John McCain said today he “strongly opposes” a proposal made by John McCain regarding nuclear energy.

New FISA Bill Grants Cheney Unlimited Use of Your Cell Phone

President Bush said the bill’s passage is urgently needed to protect the nation from another terrorist attack.

Gay Couples Marry, Prepare to Invade

Across California, dozens of same-sex couples took vows and married today, then immediately prepared for the invasion of straight couples’ homes.

Bush Tries to Shore Up Legacy by Performing Piccolo Concerts

This new tactic was first unveiled Wednesday, during a meeting with German Chancellor Angela Merkel.

Bush Wakes From ‘Crazy Dream’ Where He Was President For Seven and a Half Years

“It was so weird,” Mr. Bush said during an interview with a German newspaper, to be published next week.

McCain Hires Anti-Lobby Lobbying Firm

For his part, Senator McCain sees no hypocrisy at play in his hiring of the firm.

Report: Administration Misled in Run-up to Lying

A Senate panel’s report says the Bush administration misled Americans in the run-up to the lying to Americans that took place shortly thereafter.

Obama Admits He Loves to Appease in His Spare Time

Presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama admitted today that “in my spare time, I love to appease.”

Bush Vows to Finish ‘She’s Come Undone’ by End of Term

President Bush vowed today to finish the Wally Lamb novel “She’s Come Undone” by the time he leaves office in January, 2009.

Clinton Will Accept VP Spot If She Can Be President Most of the Time

“If you use the ClintonTron to add the popular vote, as we did, I won more of the popular vote, as we’ve said over and over again,” Clinton said.

New DOJ Memo Gives Bush Authority to Torture Harry Reid

A legal memo written by the Acting Assistant Attorney General for the Office of Legal Counsel at the Department of Justice, appears to grant President Bush authority to torture Senate majority leader Harry Reid in several ways.

Obama: Crazy Pastors Just Seem to Love Me

Mr. Obama quit Trinity United Church of Christ after video surfaced of Rev. Michael Pfleger mocking Hillary Clinton during a guest sermon there.

Maverick McCain Orders Tuna Salad When Everyone Else is Getting Turkey

Republican presidential candidate John McCain reinforced his image as a maverick during a trip to a local deli.

Clinton: You’ll Have to Kill Me

Presidential Hopeful Hillary Rodham Clinton erased any doubts about whether she would stay in the race for the Democratic nomination as long as she possibly can.

Thousands Offer to Return Stimulus Checks if Bush Will Leave Office Early

Bush, whose approval rating is the lowest in modern history, rejected the proposal during a brief exchange with reporters later in the day.

Depressed Congressman Tries to Veto His Own Bill

Congressman Warren App (D-Utah) attempted to veto a school funding bill that he himself had brought before the House of Representatives.

Barney Regularly Consulted on Foreign Policy Matters

Newly-released documents reveal that Barney, one of President Bush’s two dogs, has been regularly consulted on issues of foreign policy and international relations.

Rove Searching for New Unqualified Politician to Work With

Rove is not sure he’ll ever find a specimen as ideal as George W. Bush, whom Mr. Rove met when they were both young men.

McCain Thinks Everyone at Town Hall Meeting is Robert Downey, Jr.

Presumptive Republican presidential nominee John McCain mistakenly thought everyone attending a town hall meeting was the actor Robert Downey, Jr.

Hi! I’m Just Like You, Except I’m a Millionaire, a Senator and an ex-First Lady, and You’re None of Those Things

By Hillary Rodham Clinton

Bush Offers Nation Change from Floor of Car

President Bush said today that the nation could have the 52 cents he found on the floor of one of several armored limousines used for presidential travel.

Maybe I’m Confusing People With This Message of Hope

By Barack Obama

Clinton Campaign Unveils New Strategy For Counting Pledged Delegates

The Clinton campaign announced a new, unorthodox system for counting pledged delegates.

ABC to Air Debate Between Flag Lapel Pin, Jeremiah Wright Quotes

ABC has announced plans to air a debate between Flag Lapel Pin, the popular symbol of patriotism, and a series of statements made by the controversial pastor, Rev. Jeremiah Wright.

Clinton: I’ll Kill Bin Laden With My Bare Hands

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton told supporters, “You mess with President Hillary Clinton, you get strangled to death and your blood sucked out of a hole where your face used to be.”

Audio: Pope Benedict XVI Strikes Out 9, Walks 2 in Yankee Stadium Debut

After the game, the Pope told the crowd that he realized early on that he might not have his best stuff.

Bush Calls for Creation of New Greenhouse Gases

President Bush proposed $3.2 billion in emergency supplemental funds to go towards the creation of new, more sustainable greenhouse gases.

Gonzales Urges Local Subway to Implement Enhanced Sandwich-Making Techniques

Gonzales said the techniques would “greatly increase the rate and success of sandwich-making.”

McCain Vows to Defeat Nazis and Japanese in Iraq

McCain only furthered suspicion that he might not be as certain of the realities of the ethnic and religious divisions within Iraq and the greater Middle East.

Chinese Govt. to Add Caning Competition to Olympic Games

The Caning Competition will pit international competitors against one another to see who can cane, whip or flog a political protester the most times in thirty seconds.

Al Qaeda Would Love Your E-mails to Remain Private

by Michael B. Mukasey

Delta to Offer Discount Seating on Wings

Delta Airlines announced today it would offer special discounted seating to passengers willing to sit on the wings of its planes.

From the Archives: President to Outline Plan to Outline Plan

Washington - The CEOs of several investment banking, insurance and financial services giants appeared before the House Financial Services Committee Thursday to testify about the state of their companies’ financial health. What the committee members heard were tales of desperation and hardship. Specifically, the CEOs testified that if things continued on their current course, they [...]

From the Archives: Bush Threatens Veto Unless Reid and Pelosi Can Guess How Many Fingers He’s Holding Up

From the Archives: President Announces National Mediocre Spelling Week

From the Archives: Straight Idiots Free to Marry, Reproduce at Will

From the Archives: Bush, Putin Make Out, Fight, Make Out

Clinton Ahead, If You Count Delegates Pledged in Her Mind

Presidential hopeful Hillary Rodham Clinton told a crowd of supporters that she is in fact ahead in pledged delegates “if you count the ones that are pledged in my mind.”

CIA Inadvertently Destroys Two Senators

General Michael V. Hayden, director of the Central Intelligence Agency, testified on Capitol Hill today that the CIA “inadvertently destroyed two senators” who were at the agency’s headquarters in Langley, Virginia to hold a meeting with him.

Bush Asks History to Preemptively Pardon Him

President Bush made a public plea today for History to preemptively pardon him from any negative judgments that might be leveled against him in the future.

Clinton Points Up Fighter Pilot Experience

Hillary Clinton said she is better equipped than rival Barack Obama to lead the country, in part because of her experience as a fighter pilot who participated in the NATO air strikes against Bosnian Serb military targets in 1995.

Bin Laden: You Will Pay for The Terrible ‘Garfield’ from Last Monday

In a purported Osama Bin Laden audio message, the Al Qaeda leader vows to enact revenge upon the West for publication of a “horribly unfunny and unoriginal” Garfield comic strip from Monday, March 10.

Cheney Embarks on Target-Finding Mission

Vice President Cheney began his tour of potential bombing targets in Montreal today.

Bernanke Cuts Children’s Allowance .75%

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben S. Bernanke cut the amount his children receive in allowance from him and his wife Anna by .75 percent.

Bush Urges Nation to Wait for Rich Uncle to Call and Offer Large Cash Gift

Hoping to defend himself against criticism that his administration hasn’t done enough to help average Americans who are struggling financially, President Bush met with Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson and several other economic advisers at the White House today.

Study Finds Lifelong Link Between Bush, Flawed Intelligence

A Pentagon-sponsored study to be released Friday has found that President Bush has relied on deeply flawed intelligence since his birth.

Clinton Challenges Obama to Cage Match

Hillary Clinton’s campaign released a statement challenging rival Barack Obama to a televised steel-cage wrestling match.

U.S. to Stay on Offense Against Terror Until War is Won, or Until It Gets Very Tired

President Bush said today that the United States will stay “on the offensive against the terrorists and terror networks across the globe, right up until it gets really exhausting for us. Then, we’ll give it a rest.”

Cheney Appoints Special Envoy to Dessert Tray

Following a dinner at the White House last night, Vice President Dick Cheney appointed 19-year-old Donnie Jansen Special Envoy to the Dessert Tray, and quickly dispatched him to “work out the issue of what to have for dessert.”

Congress Convenes to Discuss Possibly Doing Something About Things

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi told reporters the U.S. Congress convened a special session today to “talk about how we might eventually think about doing something about the state of things in our country.”

Navy Shoots Down Errant Butterfly

Military officials said today that the United States Navy’s shootdown of an errant butterfly was a “complete success.”

Russert Detains Obama for Further Questioning

Following the Democratic primary debate at Cleveland State University Tuesday night, NBC Washington bureau chief Tim Russert detained Barack Obama for several hours in a small room in the school’s main building, and forced him to answer additional questions.

White House Task Force on Curiosity to Investigate Possible Inquisitiveness

The task force will investigate alleged acts of curiosity on the part of American citizens, reports of which have circulated on the internet.

CIA Official Was Sure Someone Had Transferred Tapes to DVD

Rodriguez added that he only destroyed the tapes because he “hates analog” and wants everyone to move into the digital age.

Bush’s Location Undisclosed to Bush

President Bush’s Secret Service detail did not inform him of his own location until after they had safely left that location.

Chertoff Warns of Al Qaeda’s Increased Loveliness

“I personally have never seen them look this fetching,” Chertoff said.

Clinton Accuses Obama of Winning

Hillary Clinton today accused rival Barack Obama of, “Just winning all over the place.”

Trust Me, You Don’t Want Me Reaching Across the Aisle

by Ted Stevens (R-Alaska)

FDA Orders Recall of Thousands of Tainted Beefcakes

The Food and Drug Adminisitration said today that it was ordering over 30,000 tainted beefcakes, or muscular, well-toned men, recalled, for fear they had been contaminated due to the way in which they were harvested.

Detainee’s High-Value Status Doesn’t Prevent Him From Being Beaten While Naked

Mohammed Nazir Bin Lep, one of 14 high-value terrorists in U.S. custody, is left wondering these days what it is exactly that his high value gets him.

Republican Congressman Suggests Simulated Drowning of Pelosi

“I can’t think of a better way to get a visual representation of this practice than to have it demonstrated on the Speaker, in front of the full Congress,” Crenshaw said.

Rice Traded to France for a Functionary To Be Named Later

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice was traded to France today for a functionary to be named later and several bureaucratic draft picks.

Bush Announces Formation of Ends Justify The Ways and Means Committee

The main function of the new House committee will be to condone the actions undertaken by the executive branch by holding up their end goals as justification.

Decorator of the Interior Testifies He Wants to Just Burn Those Hideous Drapes Right Now

Mark Focalm, Decorator of the Interior, testified before a Congressional committee today that he is, “Just sickened by the hideous drapes and the God-awful rug in that place.”

FBI Almost Certain Bin Laden Not Hiding in FBI Building

Robert S. Mueller III, Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigations, announced today that the FBI is, “At long last, and after much back-breaking effort, reasonably certain that Osama Bin Laden is nowhere within FBI Headquarters.”

Department of Education Folded Into Department of Defense

President Bush today signed a bill which folds the Department of Education into the Department of Defense.

Bush to School Children: You’re All in Grave Danger

Visiting Whatman Elementary School to promote after-school literacy programs, President Bush warned the children there that they are in, “Grave, never-ending danger.”

Congress Convenes Extra-Special Session

Congress today convened its first-ever Extra-Special Session.

Romney Vows Continued Handsomeness

In California ahead of a Republican debate at the Ronald Reagan Library, Mitt Romney said voters can rely on him, “To be unwavering in my handsomeness.”

White House Spokesman Has Recurring Dream of Chandelier Falling on Helen Thomas

White House Spokesman Tony Fratto admitted yesterday that he has a recurring dream in which a chandelier falls from the ceiling onto the head of veteran White House reporter Helen Thomas.

Congressman Tries to Sneak Through Bill Entitling Him to All of Nation’s Chocolate

Congressman Wally Herger attempted to sneak a bill through the House late last night which would have named him sole recipient of the nation’s entire supply of chocolate.

White House Proposes Immediate Withdrawal From Responsibility

White House Press Secretary Dana Perino announced a White House proposal today that would entail, “an immediate and total withdrawal from all responsibility for the problems the country faces.”

Bush Delivers State of the Union Address in Iambic Pentameter

President Bush delivered his final State of the Union address in iambic pentameter, a particular type of meter, used most often in poetry and drama.

Bush to Give Union Back to British

In his final State of the Union speech tonight, President Bush plans to say he’s returning the United States of America to the British.

Rumsfeld Holds Imaginary Press Conference in Basement

More and more lately, Former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld’s wife, Joyce, is finding her husband in the basement giving pretend press conferences to no one.

Many In Bush’s Cabinet Coming To Meetings Just For Pizza

President Bush was forced to chastise members of his cabinet today for showing up to meetings solely for the free pizza given out by the president, then making up excuses to leave.

Fred Thompson Admits He Died Several Months Ago

Fred Thompson ended his presidential campaign today, then admitted to reporters that he actually died several months ago, and had been, “going through the motions” ever since.

Bush Orders Destruction of Economy

President Bush addressed the nation tonight to say he had ordered the United States military to, “Strike the fluctuating, unreliable U.S. economy before it can do any more damage.”

Congress Pledges Swift, Meaningless Action

Democratic and Republican members of Congress pledged to battle the growing economic crisis facing the country with swift, meaningless action.

Harry Reid Arrested for Flashing His Stimulus Package

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) was arrested and detained briefly for allegedly opening his coat and showing other senators and members of Congress his economic stimulus package.

Fred Thompson Elected President of His Imagination

It was during a campaign stop in Charleston today that Republican presidential candidate Fred Thompson announced he had been elected president of his own imagination.

Attempting to Cry, Giuliani Vomits on Several Undecided Voters

Taking a cue from the campaign of Hillary Rodham Clinton, Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani allegedly attempted to cry at a campaign event at the Hilton Hotel in Sarasota this morning, but wound up vomiting on several undecided voters seated near him at a large table.

The National Protrusion is Sort of Liveblogging the ABC New Hampshire Debates

I’m trying this out. I’ve never live-blogged before, so you may have to bear with me. And it’s also not really live, it’s just live on the West Coast.

Clinton Vows to Pretend to Fight Status Quo

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton vowed to, “Pretend to fight the status quo that exists in Washington. I know that’s what the people of America want, and I intend with every fiber of my being to act like I’m doing that.”

I Want To See More Women At The Polls, Preferably Without Clothing

by Bill Clinton

NBC to Air “Can These Color Bars Last An Hour?” Wednesday Nights

The National Broadcasting Company announced today that, beginning January 9th, its Wednesday night prime-time lineup will feature the new reality show, “Can These Color Bars Last An Hour?”

Terrorist Disappointed His Amazon.com Search for Cesium-137 Returns No Results

A young terrorist said he is, “Disappointed and surprised,” that popular online retailer Amazon.com does not return a single listing for cesium-137.

Ahmadinejad Demands U.S. Give Him Moist Piece of Cake

Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad demanded in a speech today that he receive, from the United States, “The most moist piece of cake that there is.”

Cheney: Yoga Has Changed My Life

Vice President Dick Cheney said today that practicing yoga has changed his life, given him, “a new perspective,” and calmed him down.

Bush Announces Plan to Nap For Remainder of Term

President Bush announced today that he would spend the remainder of his term taking a nap.

Edwards Slashes Clinton’s Tires

Presidential candidate John Edwards admitted today that he slashed the tires of rival candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton’s campaign bus early Tuesday morning.

White House: We Don’t Torture, Unless by Torture You Mean Drowning, Beating to Death with Sticks or Suffocation

White House Press Secretary Dana Perino reiterated her assertion today that the United States does not torture detainees in its custody.

Bush: I Gave a Poor Child a Sandwich Once

President Bush this week said he doesn’t know how much more he can do for the nation’s poor children, being that he once gave a poor child a sandwich.

Bush Threatens Veto Unless Reid and Pelosi Can Guess How Many Fingers He’s Holding Up

President Bush threatened to veto a workplace health care bill proposed by leading Democrats Friday, unless those Democrats were able to guess how many fingers the president had held up behind his back.

Forgetting Human Disguise, Giuliani Appears On Stage as Giant Reptile

The former New York Mayor’s actual skin, seen today for the first time publicly, is red and scaly.

Moveon.org Kills 17 U.S. Troops

“We hate the soldiers, and freedom, and the American way of life,” a statement released by Moveon.org said.

President Attempts to Distract Country With Puppet Show

“My fellow Americans, tonight I bring you good news,” Bush said. He then reached under his desk and pulled out two puppets, one red, one blue.

Top General: I Don’t Know About the Troops, But The Surge in My Pants is Working Like Gangbusters

A top U.S. General in Iraq testified that he does know for a fact that the surge occurring in his pants is achieving its desired results, and then some.

Senator: I’m Fairly Certain I Didn’t Hack That Girl to Pieces

The Senator has admitted he was in the office at the time of Ms. Umbert’s death, and that no one else was in the room with the two of them.

Jawa Insurgents Kill 12 Ewoks

12 Ewoks were killed before the insurgents finally gave up and fled Mos Eisley and the town was once again secured by the Wookiee-Ewok forces.

Ari Fleischer Settling In To New Role As Professional Asshole

Former White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer is, according to the man himself, “settling in nicely,” to his new role as a professional asshole.

Bush Has Eye on Legacy and That Plate of Delicious Cookies

Aides to the president say the internal battle is having an effect on Mr. Bush.

Local Priest Spreads Word of God, Syphilis

Local priest Jonathan Goodell has not only spread the Word of God to this small, tight-knit community; he has also spread syphilis to the dozens of children he has molested.

Any Last Requests Before I Suck Out Your Life Force?

Will You Hug Me?

The Incredible Short Film Lit Is Now On Google Video

Rumsfeld Preemptively Attacks Spider in Garage

Rumsfeld shouted, “I’ll see you in Hell,” then crushed the spider with a workboot.

Just Because I Eat Children Doesn’t Mean I Don’t Love Them

Citing Executive Privilege, Bush Avoids Dentist Appointment

Report: Jesus Christ, A Lot of People Want to Kill Us

Gonzales Tells Committee, “I Like Horses”

Appearing before the Senate Judiciary Committee, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales responded to all questions with the phrase, “I like horses.”

Cheney Eats Constitution

Vice President Dick Cheney said he needed something to cleanse his pallet after a particularly heavy first course, so he grabbed the United States Constitution and devoured it.

President to Outline Plan to Outline Plan

President Announces National Mediocre Spelling Week

President Continues to Excel at Vacation

Polls Show Bush Less Popular Than Death

Bush: Bolton Should Be Confirmed on Basis of Moustache Alone

Bush Told on Thursday What He Did Wednesday

Pigeons Flying Over White House Will Be Shot Down

The White House issued a strong warning yesterday to all pigeons considering flying over the White House: Think twice.

Bush, Putin Make Out, Fight, Make Out

Boring Current Wars Hindering Ability to Fight Exciting New Ones

Because the U.S. military is engaged in wars in both Afghanistan and Iraq, it may not be able to quickly win the new wars the Bush administration plans to start, according to a report given to Congress by Air Force Gen. Richard Myers, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Bush: Killing Some Chinese Would Lower Gas Prices

President Bush made what many see as a radical proposal this weekend to curb rising oil prices, suggesting that the United States and other nations use their military to halve the Chinese population, thereby considerably reducing demand for oil.

President: Let’s Count Two Poor People As One

President Bush shocked a joint session of the South Carolina Legislature when he announced what he called “the solution” that will keep Social Security solvent.

President’s Approval Drops; Terror Alert Should Come Thursday

President Bush’s approval rating has dipped down to just 44%, the lowest of his presidency.

Straight Idiots Free to Marry, Reproduce at Will

Kansas voters yesterday approved an amendment to their state constitution banning gay marriage, with roughly 70% voting for the amendment and only 30% opposing.

Abstinence-or-Bestiality Policy Proposed for Teens

In response to recent criticism of abstinence-only education programs, based on findings revealing that teens involved in the programs were engaging in anal and oral sex as a way to avoid losing their “virginity,” the Bush administration yesterday proposed the new Abstinence-Or-Bestiality plan, aimed at giving students another option.

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