Brave President Boldly Confronts Class-Action Lawsuits, Saves Country

Clinton Township, Michigan - President Bush spoke at a performing arts center here in Clinton Township today to shine a light on the growing plague threatening the very heart of our society and shared way of life: asbestos litigation.

Leaving behind secondary concerns like the war in Iraq and a struggling economy, the president boldly stated that stopping class-action lawsuits is now his top priority. “This is a terrible, imminent threat,” the president, who decided to tear down the arts center after speaking in it, said. “I mean, I know I’ll feel much safer when these frivolous litigators are brought to justice. They mean to disable and dismantle and dis…able the very fabric of our great society. And that is that big companies don’t pay ordinary people huge amounts of money.”