Bush Calls for Creation of New Greenhouse Gases

Washington – President Bush today proposed $3.2 billion in emergency supplemental funds to go towards the creation of new, more sustainable greenhouse gases. In remarks in the White House Rose Garden, Mr. Bush said he fears that old supplies of the gases are running dangerously low, and new development is urgently needed.

“We cannot allow these precious gases to run out, or rely on the fact that they’ve been so plentiful for so long,” Mr. Bush said. “The earth does not belong to us. Yet. We must take the initiative, and do what is necessary to develop new gases that are equal to or greater than the dependable carbon dioxide or methane.” Mr. Bush then unveiled the $3.2 billion emergency aid package designed to facilitate the creation of the gases.

But in order to reach that ambitious goal, Mr. Bush said, American scientists and others will have to innovate like never before. “It was an American that invented the light bulb, the artificial heart, the all-you-can-eat buffet,” he said. “Surely minds that good can come up with gases that burn hotter, are released more easily, and which do more irreversible damage than our current gases. I’m doing my part, getting you the necessary funds to address this vital issue. You must do your part, and create gaseous destruction.”

Mr. Bush went further in detailing his goals, while specifically addressing his opposition to the “cap and trade” system that is at the heart of legislation the Senate is beginning to consider. That legislation would impose mandatory limits on emissions. “Not only do I oppose such a bill, but with the aid of these newly developed greenhouse gases, I propose a goal of an 80% increase in greenhouse gas emissions by 2015,” Mr. Bush said. “I think those in favor of ‘cap and trade’ will find it difficult to make these types of proposals when they’re swimming in what used to be the ice caps.”