“I hope something will come through soon,” Daniel said, sitting in his living room with his wife, Ernestine. “We’re down to our last little bit here.”

But what keeps Daniel going is the performance of the Dow Jones Industrial Average. The type of day the benchmark indicator has can lift Daniel’s spirits or drag them down. It all depends on where the Dow is as the closing bell sounds.

“If the Dow moves up, I get very happy, very content,” Daniel said. “It’s as if I don’t have any problems anymore.”

Ernestine agreed that a good day on Wall Street can sometimes make the couple forget all about Daniel not having a job, about the difficulty of the past several months.

“None of it matters when we watch CNBC and see that the Dow has closed up,” Ernestine said, looking at Daniel, who nodded in agreement. “For those few minutes, it’s okay that Daniel got laid off, that we’re struggling financially, because the Dow is okay. As long as the Dow is okay, I can go to sleep with a sound mind.”

Ernestine said there are times where one of their three young children will wake up crying during the night. She used to try to rock them back to sleep, or read them a story.

“Now I’ll go to their room and cradle them and say, ‘The Dow was up 120 points today. What are you crying about?’”

Of course, there are bad days for the market, too, and for the Dow specifically. Daniel said the bad days do hurt a lot, and can dull some of the optimism he feels about his prospects of finding work in the near future.

“It’s like, even if I have an interview lined up, if the Dow drops a good amount, like a hundred points, then I feel like all hope is lost, it doesn’t even matter,” Daniel said. “Last week I had an interview scheduled in the evening, but after the Dow dropped a bunch, I didn’t even bother to go. What’s the point?”

Asked how they are affording cable television with Daniel being out of work, Ernestine said, “Well, we really can’t afford it. We should really be buying food and clothes and things. But we have to watch the Dow.”

“They are in a unique position,” the report states, “unlike virtually any other group of professionals in the United States. They not only can nearly bankrupt the entire world, but they can then give out lavish bonuses to the very people most responsible for it. This is due to a long-held give-and-take, leverage-based relationship with members of the U.S. Congress and the administrations of presidents dating back several decades. We find no reason to believe the executives will change their behavior any time in the near future, as there are apparently no ramifications for not doing so.”

But the report goes on to say that while the crisis may have all but passed for many of the most successful companies on Wall Street, the same is not true for the greater part of the country.

“For example, unemployment levels are far too high to allow a broader recovery that would reach a majority of Americans. However, since most of Wall Street operates in a separate reality than the rest of the country, this is unlikely to affect its gains.”

Eric Hemmill, a trader with Bennington Holdings, said the gains came from the validation of assumptions that many on Wall Street have already made.

“We knew this already, basically,” Hemmill said. “But now we have this official report, from a respected entity that says, ‘Yeah, they can do whatever they want. It’s true.’ So we have that backing and that confidence, and you see that reflected in the gains today.”

The Dow gained 113.70 points to end at 10,061.87. The Standard & Poor’s 500-stock index and the Nasdaq composite index also posted gains.

“When we see gains like this, and hit a big, important number like this, it takes the careful, safe approach out, gets the bulls back in control of the market,” said John Eckington, an analyst with Goldman Sachs. “Now, some may see this as a bad thing, because it was risky behavior that got us into this crisis in the first place. But we don’t feel that way. No one I know does. We’re feeling healthy enough to start taking the kinds of risks with other people’s money that we’re accustomed to taking.”

“I was assigned the pin by the bank, like everyone else,” the president is quoted as saying to Vikram Pandit, CEO of Citibank, by a participant in the meeting. Mr. Obama holds a savings account with Citibank. “And then when I tried to change it, to 44-1600 — because I’m the 44th President of the United States and I work at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, I was told that pin number was taken by some guy named Larry in Connecticut. Now, I’m fairly certain Larry isn’t the President of the United States. So, I’m also fairly certain that it won’t be a problem to work this out.”

Mr. Obama holds several accounts with other banks, whose executives were also present. According to participants in the meeting, Mr. Obama asked each executive to give him the same pin number for all of his accounts.

One executive, who requested anonymity for fear of upsetting the White House and the president, said, “I thought we were meeting to go over details of how we plan to pay back the money we were lent by the government. But I guess…I guess we really were called here to talk about the president’s pin numbers.”

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger holds a press conference to announce the cancellation of the year 2010.

Gov. Schwarzenegger held a press conference, following an emergency meeting with key staff and several members of the State Senate. The governor said that at that meeting, it quickly became clear that there was no alternative to canceling the upcoming year.

“The fiscal emergency we now face is even worse than we had anticipated,” the governor said, reading from a prepared statement. “We have decided the best option is to sit this year out, and pick up again in 2011. Hopefully, after that amount of time, and with the money we save by not participating in 2010, we’ll be back on solid financial footing and we can return to the greatness that we Californians are known for. Until then, bear down and try to get through the rest of 2009. Because after that, you can sit back and relax. You won’t be doing anything for a while.”

All state services will cease to operate, all state employees will be laid off, according to Mr. Schwarzenegger.

“As far as California is concerned, there will not be a 2010. It does not and will not exist,” he said. “If you try to call the police or the fire department, know that they will not be coming to help you. If you want a traffic light fixed, it may be time to take out your tool set and get to work with some handy friends. On the upside, you will not have to feed parking meters, and you won’t be receiving any traffic tickets. If I were you, I would save that money, because you’ll probably need it to pay for tutors for your children who won’t have a public school to attend. But there’s another upside for you kids: no school!”

Mr. Schwarzenegger said he regrets that his state will not be able to participate in 2010, as it “looks like it will be a pretty good year,” but he said he’s confident that 2011 will be a great one for California.

“I hate for my state to miss out on 2010,” the governor said, “But I know that when we pick up again in 2011, we will be doing it with renewed vigor and energy and commitment. 2011 will be a great year for all Californians, at least the ones who don’t rely on the state for any essential services, as those people probably won’t survive 2010.”

The Consumer Self-Confidence Survey is taken monthly, with responses coming from a representative sample of 5,000 households. This is the lowest level the index has ever fallen to, following a then-lowest 44.8 in April.

An American consumer attempts, unsuccessfully, to shop online at Amazon.com.

In a statement, U.S. Commerce Secretary Gary Locke acknowledged being disappointed in the numbers.

“These findings make it apparent that we are by no means on the upswing in terms of this recession,” he said. “Until people like themselves enough to buy things, businesses are unfortunately in for more economic pain.”

Participants interviewed after taking the survey say they feel differently about their abilities to purchase now than they have for the past several years.

“I used to feel like, ‘I can buy anything,’ you know?’” said Andy Narquell of Overland, Missouri. “Like no amount of debt or financial trouble could stop me. No price tag was too big, no product too large or unnecessary. But now, I don’t know. I just don’t have the same feeling of certainty when I walk in a store, that I can get the job done.”

Shirley Bakely of Allentown, Pennsylvania reported similar feelings.

“I look in the mirror, and I don’t feel inspired, I don’t feel up to the task of being a consumer. I used to be bigger than the products. Now the products are bigger than me.”

Participants responded to the survey between April 2nd and May 15th, and were asked a series of questions, such as, “When you see a blender on sale, do you go towards it or away from it?”

Chairman of the Federal Reserve Ben S. Bernanke testifies before the House Financial Services Committee that Ben Bernanke is ‘pretty sick of testifying.’

What he did say was that ‘Ben Bernanke’ had testified before Congress many times, and that he had reached his limit. “How many committees can there possibly be?” Bernanke asked. “Ben Bernanke feels like he’s been sitting at a table like this, in front of one committee or another, like, a million times. Like he lives in front of committees. He gets confused, he’s testified so much. In fact, which committee are you? The Finance Committee? Budget Committee? Senate? House? Ben Bernanke has no idea. He just knows he’s sitting in this chair with a glass of water and a microphone in front of him, as he seems to be doing every waking moment of his life.”

Barney Frank, the committee’s chairman, told Mr. Bernanke that, while he empathizes “with Ben Bernanke’s frustration” with having to testify so many times, his testimony was required and necessary in the current financial crisis. “Ben Bernanke is, after all, the chairman of the Federal Reserve,” Mr. Frank said. “And we are in a financial crisis at this moment. So you can see, I would assume, why Ben Bernanke’s testimony would be necessary and vital to our understanding of how to move forward.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Mr. Bernanke answered curtly. “Blah, blah. ‘Chairman of the bluh-buh-dee-bluh.’ ‘Financial crisis.’ Ben Bernanke’s heard all this, Mr. Chairman. You know why he’s heard it? Because every chairman of every committee tells him he’s the chairman of the Federal Reserve. Like he doesn’t know! ‘Oh, am I really? The chairman? Of the Federal Reserve? I thought I was a fry cook in the kitchen!’ Please! Give Ben Bernanke a break.”

Mr. Frank and rest of the committee seemed unsure how to proceed after several attempts to discuss issues such as interest rates, a potential overhaul of the nation’s banking system, and the outlook for the U.S. dollar. “Mr. Bernanke, I have to be honest with you, I really don’t know where to go here,” Mr. Frank admitted. “I’m not sure how to proceed, given your current state of mind.”

“Good,” Mr. Bernanke said. “Does that mean Ben Bernanke can go home now?”

I’ve been thinking about the economic crisis a lot lately. I guess a lot of people have. But I’m in Congress, so I have to, like, really think about it. Like, a lot. Anyway, while I was thinking, this thought came to me that was so obvious I couldn’t believe none of these award-winning economists had thought of it. This economy needs to win the lottery!

Think about it: what does the country need? A huge influx of cash, right? And what’s the problem with the way we’re planning to get the money now? We have to borrow it. But if we win the lottery, we get a huge amount of cash without having to borrow a penny. It’s perfect!

Oh, you think chances are slim that we’ll actually win? Well, think again, buddy. Chances aren’t slim when you have a billion tickets. They’re, like, the opposite of slim. They’re fat. They’re huge.

That’s right. A billion tickets. That’s the least I think we should buy. Now, I’ll leave the rest of the specifics to the so-called experts (who didn’t come up with this plan, by the way), because I’m not sure what would be best – buying several million tickets in a few different states, or putting all the billion tickets on the biggest pot available in one specific place. But either way, we’re going to make some easy millions. And, yes, we could use those millions to pump money into the economy. But you know would be even better than that? Pumping the millions back into a fund to buy more lottery tickets! That way we just keep winning, over and over again! It’ll be amazing.

Now, I’m aware that there might be laws on the books that forbid government officials, or the actual government, from participating in state lotteries. But we’re the congress. We can change that law in a second if we want to. And ask me if we should want to.

I honestly think, when historians look back, they’re going to be like, ‘Gosh, it’s so simple. Why did it take a congressman from Maryland to tell the smartest people in the world that there was this incredibly easy way to make a huge amount of quick cash?’ Well, firstly, because that congressman from Maryland happens to be wise beyond his years. And second, sometimes you can’t see the forest for the trees. Even if your forest comes from economy school at Harvard or Yale. Me? I see the trees and the forest. And they’re both green. And so is money. And money’s awesome.

God bless America.

Mr. Daniels is a Democratic member of the House of Representatives. He represents Maryland’s 9th District.

President Obama during a press conference Tuesday evening in which he announced he will wait for so-called ‘sweeps week’ before announcing his plan to fix the ailing U.S. economy.

It was thought Mr. Obama would use the public address to try to regain Americans’ faith, after several weeks of receiving, along with his Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner, heavy criticism for his handling of the financial crisis. But almost immediately upon taking to the lectern, he revealed his surprising plans, which could incite greater anger on the part of the American people. Seeming to acknowledge this risk, Mr. Obama touched on his reasons for waiting until Sweeps Week to announce and implement his plan.

“I know some of you are saying, ‘We don’t have another minute to spare,’” Mr. Obama acknowledged. “‘How can you talk about waiting?’ But just ask yourself this: What would you rather see during sweeps week? Some character get killed off on ‘Desperate Housewives,’ or me announce the historic plan that’s going to turn around this economy and get us out of this recession? I think the answer is obvious.”

An AP reporter pointed out in his questioning of Mr. Obama that the term “sweeps week” is actually a misnomer, as the sweeps period, of which there are several each year, actually runs for about a month at a time. “Well, if that’s the case, then we’ll just have to do a weekly address where I let out a new component of the plan each time,” Mr. Obama responded. “It’ll be like a cliffhanger. ‘He’s going to implement a tax break…but for who? I need to know! I gotta watch next week!’ It’ll be great. I’m actually very glad you told me that. I’m really excited now.”

When an ABC News reporter attempted to ask Mr. Obama about recent violence on the Mexican border, the president told the reporter that there was only one issue on the table during this particular press conference. “Look, Tony, I respect the question and I respect your reasons for asking it,” the president said. “But I think we all know what this press conference is about. It’s about sweeps. If your question isn’t about sweeps, then I really think it needs to wait until another time. Now, if it’s about how Mexican violence somehow dovetails with sweeps week, how it’s related to planning programming and attracting viewers, then I’m all ears. But otherwise, it needs to wait. Okay?”

Asked what he thought about the potential for public anger over what amounted to a deliberate hesitation in fixing the country’s economy, White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel said, “Yeah, there may be some anger. That might be true that we’ll see some of that, and we’ll adjust to that and respond appropriately when the time comes. But I’m telling you, once they see what he’s got in store for sweeps, they’re going to forget all about that anger, believe me. You think Fonzie jumping over the shark was cool? You liked when the Brady kids went to that island? Wait ’till you see this.”

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner holds a press conference to call for applicants to fill the Treasury Department’s open positions.

“We face what is widely considered to be the greatest economic crisis since the Great Depression, and yet we find a shortage of qualified applicants to fill vital positions within the Treasury,” Mr. Geithner said in prepared remarks. “So I am asking you, the American people, to ask around, and see if you know someone who knows someone who is really good with numbers and calculations.”

Mr. Geithner has himself faced harsh criticism of late over his knowledge of planned bonuses to be paid to AIG executives. He has also seen multiple nominees for positions within the Treasury remove their names from contention. As for new nominees, the Secretary said they have proven less than ideal.

“One nominee who was under consideration was all but perfect, except for one small problem,” Mr. Geithner said. “He thought money grew on trees. I don’t say that metaphorically. He actually thought money grew on trees. We walked out on the South Lawn [of the White House] and he said, ‘So, Tim. Where’s the money tree?’ I said, ‘Yeah. Good one.’ He said, ‘No, really. Is it over here, near these shrubs?’ I only thank God we discovered this before bringing him on board.”

As for himself, Mr. Geithner admits he is “pretty good with numbers.” “But having just me there isn’t enough,” he said. “I can only do so much. So I implore you today to seek out people in your family, your social groups, your neighborhoods. Maybe the person you know who always figures out who owes what at the restaurant, when you’re splitting the bill. Or the person who tells you how much the tip should be. Ask them if they’re currently gainfully employed, and if not, let them know that there are openings at the Treasury Department, and that their country needs them.”

Mom, Dad, listen: I know times have been tough. I know you’ve lost money in the stock market and had big chunks taken out of your 401Ks. I know all that, and I feel for you; I really do. But The Time Has Come. The time has come to get this household economy moving again. And the only way we’re going to be able to do that is if you guys start lending. Because as it is, this economy is at a standstill. I’m not buying anything. And that can’t be allowed to continue.

This parent-child economy only works if there is lending from the parent to the child. For the child has no money of his own, so without the parents’ help, he can’t go out and purchase a stereo, a laptop or even a pair of sneakers. What this means, Mom and Dad, is that everybody loses. Not just me, your child, but everybody. The whole country. The store selling the stereo doesn’t make the the sale they would have made if I had been able to buy the stereo. Maybe that’s one more worker who’ll have to be laid off this week. The laptop manufacturer moves one less unit. And we all know how important the manufacturing sector is to the overall economic health of the United States. What about the sneaker salesman? Well, without me being able to purchase a new pair of sneakers, he’s just standing at the entrance to the Foot Locker, staring out at the empty shopping mall, with nothing but his silly referee uniform to keep him company.

All of this misfortune, Mom and Dad, could be reversed if you could muster the courage and the foresight to restart the age-old practice of lending money to your children (one child in particular). What might this mean for you, specifically? Well, it could begin with an act such as handing over $120 in cash to your child. A gesture like that would go a long way to restoring confidence and faith in our household economy.

Now, I already hear your protestations. Especially you, Mom. “What is this ‘lending?’ It’s only lending if there’s some hope of getting paid back.” This is true, and in the strict sense, you won’t be paid back, at least not in the form of cash, and certainly not any time within the next several decades. But I ask you, what is “repayment?” Does it always come in the form of a return of the money you lent out? Or can it mean something else?

Isn’t it true, Mom, that someday you and Dad will both will be very old? Isn’t that, in fact, a fact? Won’t you need someone to take care of you at that point? Who do you think that might be? Your son, Billy? His dog starved to death because he forgot to feed him. I didn’t want to tell you that, but I feel the urgency of this situation requires you to be in possession of all the relevant facts. Do you really want to put your well being in the hands of someone as irresponsible as Billy? These will be, after all, your Golden Years. So isn’t it wiser, when all things are considered, to consider this $120 as a down payment? A down payment on your future? I think it is. And if I do say so myself, I’m offering quite a return on your investment. Not starving is worth an almost incalculable sum.

Mom and Dad, now that I have demonstrated how vital a return to your former lending practices is for our economy’s health, let me stress that there isn’t time to waste. One thing we don’t have in this current crisis is extra time to think, to ponder, to ruminate. Plus, the stereo sale at Best Buy ends tomorrow.

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President Barack Obama asks Vice President Joe Biden about a newly discovered provision in the White House budget which allocates $10 million to the purchase of Skittles.

“Joe, I’m just going to ask you flat out,” Mr. Obama is heard saying. “Did you put that provision in there? The Skittles thing?”

“Me? No. No way, Chief,” Biden said. “I would never.”

“Well, someone put it in there, Joe. And it wasn’t me.”

“Well, you know, now that you mention it,” Biden said, “I did see [Chief of Staff Rahm] Emanuel looking through the budget pretty intently. And he had a kind of look in his eye. Like maybe he wanted to do something. You know?”

“Uh huh,” Mr. Obama replied.

“Plus, plus, I happen to know he has a huge sweet tooth. Emanuel. Like a junkie with the candy and stuff like that. Can’t get enough.”

“Joe, you have Skittles in your pocket right now,” Mr. Obama pointed out. “They’re falling out. I can see them.”

“What, these? Oh, yeah, but I’m… I’m holding these for him. For Emanuel. They’re not mine,” Biden said. “See, that’s what I’m saying. He stashes this stuff everywhere!”

“Joe, this is just really sad,” Mr. Obama said. The microphone was apparently discovered at that point, and switched off or taken from the room. The last audible snippet is Mr. Biden saying, “Mr. President, if I was going to eat any candy, it’d be the Charleston Chew. Now, that’s a candy.” But a White House aide who spoke on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to discuss the matter, said that he believes Mr. Biden did eventually confess to inserting the provision into the budget.

“My assumption is that Vice President Biden must have broken down and admitted what he did at some point,” the aide said. “The president can be very persistent. But beyond that, everyone knew it was Joe, because the slip of paper he inserted into the budget document still had the ‘From the Desk of Joe Biden’ thing at the top of it. So it wasn’t really a tough case to crack.”

“I know it’s kind of a long shot,” said Barberie, who has worked as a janitor at the Capitol since 2003. “I mean, will they have it in cash? Will they have it in a suitcase? Will that suitcase actually be taken through the Capitol and not be secured so well, so that the money falls out? I don’t know. I can see how the odds are against it. I can see that. But I’m hopeful. Besides, I got nothing else to do anyway. I got laid off three weeks ago, and there’s only so much internet porn you can watch. Well, actually, you can always watch more, so I don’t know what I’m saying. The point is, I need money.”

The White House-backed bill was passed by the Senate last week and signed into law by President Barack Obama Monday. It is not clear which specific funds Mr. Barberie is hoping will be brought through the Capitol, in the form of cash.

“Look, I don’t know which part of the package would be doled out in cash and brought through the building, okay?” Barberie admitted. “But $800 billion is a lot of money. So I don’t care if it’s a pipe dream or not, frankly. I’m a janitor. I don’t have health care. The least I should be allowed is this dream. They can’t take that away from me. Or can they? I’m not sure anymore.”

Barberie says that if the scenario he has imagined countless times were to come to pass, he wouldn’t be greedy. “I’m not asking for all $800 billion. No way. I’m not even asking for a billion or a million. You drop fifty grand out of that suitcase, color me one happy custodian. Hey, maybe I should go through the building late tonight and find every suitcase in the place, then break all the locks on them. What do you think? Does that increase my chances any?”

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House Minority Leader John Boehner of Ohio speaks on the House floor, where he presented an alternative stimulus package designed to aid 20 already wealthy men.

“This is the stimulus package for the person who already has a stimulus package,” Mr. Boehner said on the House floor while proposing the alternative bill. “That original package is their bank account and/or their income. This is on top of that. What do you give the man who has everything? More.”

The Republican-backed package, dubbed the Infiniti Stimulus Package, provides no funding whatsoever for any aid programs for the poor or uninsured, no funds to be put towards infrastructure spending or renewable energy programs. In fact, the entirety of the bill’s language is a two-column table – the names of the 20 men in the left column, and the portion of the $800 billion each of them will receive in the right column. Each recipient would receive $40 billion under the plan.

“This package isn’t for everybody,” Boehner acknowledged. “In fact, it’s very nearly for nobody. It’s for these 20 guys. But it is what’s best for America and for our economy. You want to talk about job creation? How about the thousands of servants that will be necessary once these guys receive their $40 billion stimulus checks? Now, that’s what I call rapid job growth.”

A worker for the U.S. Census Bureau. Hundreds of jobs have opened up at the bureau due to a need for counting the fast-growing population of poor and unemployed Americans.

“What we’re seeing is unexpectedly strong growth in this area, the area of counting Americans who are now unemployed and/or poor,” said Robert Gibbs, White House Press Secretary, at an afternoon press briefing announcing the findings. “We’re looking at an addition of roughly 120 jobs in this quarter alone. And that number is likely to rise, as the number of unemployed and poor Americans rises, which it seems to do every day – almost every hour. So we forecast growth in this area for the foreseeable future, as the growth in other areas completely stops, and in most cases, reverses itself. Which then is more great news for job-seekers in this field.”

Jim Tewksberry, a career counselor at Reinholt University in Massachusetts, said he has been telling his students for some time about the many job opportunities in the field of counting the destitute and downtrodden. “It’s a field that grows almost exponentially each quarter, and certainly won’t be getting smaller anytime soon,” he said. “Plus, it’s interesting work, because you actually go and interact with the poor, ruined individuals who may have just lost their job, their house, their life savings. You get to ask them questions, face to face, as they are at a point where they’re the most miserable they’ll ever be in their lives. So the interaction you find yourself a part of is–it’s very unpredictable. It can be exciting. It can also be life-threatening, which is why you’re given a firearm.”

Anthony Jennings, a 28-year-old delivery driver who was laid off last week, began working for the Census Bureau Monday. He said the job opportunity couldn’t have come at a better time. “I had just gotten laid off,” he said, “and I was headed down to the liquor store, to use the last little bit of money I had left to buy something that would get me really, really drunk. But there was this guy out front, with all these papers in his hand. He said, ‘Hey, listen. I work for the Census, and I have to count all the poor and unemployed people in this neighborhood. But there are too may. Would you help me out?’ And I said, ‘Yeah. I was gonna get drunk, but I’ll help you out. I can get drunk tomorrow.’” At the end of the shift, Anthony was told he did a good job and the Bureau would be in touch. The next day, he was given a permanent assignment.

Or as permanent as any job can be in these uncertain times. As Tewksberry tells the students who end up deciding to pursue a job in the field, “It is government work, and it is a solid job. But that doesn’t mean it won’t go away tomorrow, like almost every other job in the country. So just be careful, follow the rules, and do your job well. Otherwise, you’ll be checking off your own name on your little piece of survey paper, and you’ll have to ask yourself questions about being newly unemployed. And that could be very confusing.”

For McConnell and his Republican colleagues, these desperate times present the perfect opportunity to bring about a change they have been seeking for years, namely removing the need for companies to pay salaries to their workers. “We actually had the idea of doing away with the wages first,” McConnell said. “But we’re aware that this idea of paying the workers has a long history in this country and that eliminating pay would potentially cause problems for us and for the bill. So we said, ‘What can we do to kind of stem that tide of anger that might result from people having their wages, their income taken away?’ But we couldn’t come up with anything, because all the ideas required the business owners and the corporations to give something, and we couldn’t have that. So finally we came to the realization that, ‘Hey, since they don’t have income, they don’t have income taxes. That’s how we’ll frame it. As them winning something. Everyone loves to win something.’ And we all knew we had the right idea.”

Asked about expected resistance from Senate Democrats, McConnell said, “Well, we don’t really worry about them too much, the Democrats. All we have to do is frame it in a certain way that makes them look weak. Like, let’s say, ‘The Democrats obviously hate American workers and would like them to have to pay this incredibly crippling income tax.’ Something like that. And it’s amazing, because none of them usually even say the obvious thing, which would be to accuse us of hating them because we took their pay away. They don’t even think of it. It’s weird. But in the event that they do, we could use something like, ‘You know who else loves the fact that American companies have to pay wages to the workers? Osama bin Laden.’ You say something like that, and Pelosi runs and hides behind the lectern and whimpers softly. At least, that’s what usually happens.”

In terms of the American people themselves, many of whom will lose their main source of income should the bill pass, McConnell said they required a slightly different, but no more difficult approach. “Well, first of all, you focus on the fact that they’ll no longer have to pay their income tax. That we’re giving them that. You just keep pounding that home, and you leave out the part about them no longer having income, as much as you can. And then, what you do is, you tie it to a hot-button social issue like gay marriage or abortion or something, and you’ll get a lot of them to go along. So you may hear us talking about how, if we allow people to have income, they’ll try to buy things for themselves, like televisions. And on those televisions they’ll see programs about homosexuals and so-called ‘alternative lifestyles’ and things of that nature. So if they don’t want to see those things, and have the minds of their children polluted, possibly beyond repair, they should be glad they’ll no longer be receiving this tainted, dangerous ‘income.’ And that’ll work like a charm. They’ll be eating out of a can of dog food on the corner, but they’ll think we did the right thing.”