Mark Focalm, Decorator of the Interior, testified before a Congressional committee today that he is, “Just sickened by the hideous drapes and the God-awful rug in that place.”
Congress today convened its first-ever Extra-Special Session.
White House Spokesman Tony Fratto admitted yesterday that he has a recurring dream in which a chandelier falls from the ceiling onto the head of veteran White House reporter Helen Thomas.
Congressman Wally Herger attempted to sneak a bill through the House late last night which would have named him sole recipient of the nation’s entire supply of chocolate.
It was during a campaign stop in Charleston today that Republican presidential candidate Fred Thompson announced he had been elected president of his own imagination.
The National Broadcasting Company announced today that, beginning January 9th, its Wednesday night prime-time lineup will feature the new reality show, “Can These Color Bars Last An Hour?”
A young terrorist said he is, “Disappointed and surprised,” that popular online retailer Amazon.com does not return a single listing for cesium-137.
The liberal website Moveon.org unleashed a flurry of coordinated roadside bomb attacks in the al-Anbar Province of Iraq, killing 17 United States soldiers and wounding five others.
“We hate the soldiers, and freedom, and the American way of life,” a statement released by Moveon.org said. “We will do all we can to defeat the evil forces [...]
Washington - Senator Casey Dudd (R-KS) is facing increased scrutiny over his alleged involvement in the murder of a female assistant, Angela Umbert. Ms. Umbert was found chopped to pieces in Mr. Dudd’s Senate office here in Washington. The Senator has admitted he was in the office at the time of Ms. Umbert’s death, and [...]
Former White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer is, according to the man himself, “settling in nicely,” to his new role as a professional asshole. Fleischer heads the group Freedom’s Watch, which recently created a multimillion-dollar ad campaign in support of President Bush’s troop surge. The ads mainly play on Americans’ fears of another 9/11 type [...]
Branksburg, OH - Local priest Jonathan Goodell has not only spread the Word of God to this small, tight-knit community; he has also spread syphilis to the dozens of children he has molested.
“Well, at least if they’re going to get the sores and everything, they get the Word of Our Lord along with that,” Goodell [...]
St. Michaels, MD - Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld preemptively attacked and killed a spider in the garage of his home here in St. Michaels, Maryland. Rumsfeld shouted, “I’ll see you in Hell,” then crushed the spider with a workboot.
“I mean, it’s a no-brainer to me, frankly,” Rumsfeld said outside his garage, still tightly [...]
