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henry: Yes, this is The Henry “Mack Truck” Harvey Show. welcome.

Like to take a call right now from Robert in Culver City. Robert, go ahead. you’re on with The Mack Truck.

caller: Yeah, I’d like to know what you think of the Attorney General’s decision to try Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and other suspects in New York.

henry: What do i think? I think it’s a terrible idea. An awful idea.

caller: Why do you think it’s an awful idea?

henry: Because it unnecessarily endangers the lives of Americans, the lives of New Yorkers. It’s a terrible idea.

caller: But these are maximum security prisons, they hold the worst kind of criminals. Why can’t they hold a middle-aged terrorist? They hold–

henry: I don’t care if they hold The Incredible Hulk and King Kong at the same time.

caller: Those are fictional characters.

henry: These guys are different. they’re terrorists. They’re terrorists. They’re different. They have terror powers that regular criminals don’t have.

caller: But what can this guy possibly do? I mean, he’ll be in handcuffs and there’ll be armed guards all around–

henry: I don’t know what he could do. He could say a Muslim prayer that turns the handcuffs into sand and the guards into husks of corn. And then, you know what? He’s free to go hook up with his radical Islamist buddies and wage joyous jihad on the streets of new york. Okay?

caller: So you really think these guys have, like, super powers? Something…

henry: I think that’s kind of obvious. I mean, why do you think bin Laden’s been free for so long? Because he can probably shape shift into, like, a hawk or something and fly away from the guys chasing them.

caller: If they have super powers, then why wouldn’t they have escaped already?

henry: Because they were biding their time. They wanted to wait till they got to New York, which is, like, the ultimate prize, before they wage this, like, ultimate jihad plan.

caller: But how did they know Holder would send them to New York?

henry: Uh, the same way they can turn handcuffs to sand and guards to husks of corn.

caller: Which they can’t.

henry: You’d better watch it, buddy. One of these days you’ll be walking along, thinking you’re about to pass some nice, innocent Muslim woman and say hello, and suddenly, you’re a horned toad.

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Henry: Yes, this is The Henry “Mack Truck” Harvey Show. Welcome aboard.

First caller is Jim from Altadena. Jim, go ahead.

Jim: Yeah. I want to know what you think of the current health care legislation being debated.

Henry: I think it’s Socialism, Jim. That’s what I think. I think it’s Socialism.

Jim: Define Socialism for me. If you would.

Henry: Socialism is a type of government where the government pays for things in a socialistic way.

Jim: That’s a horrendous definition.

Henry: Well, maybe you’re a horrendous definition.

Jim: How could I be a horrendous definition?

Henry: Of an American. You’re a horrendous definition of an American.

Jim: Why? Because I want everyone to have health care?

Henry: No. Because you want me to pay for it. I shouldn’t have to pay for it. Let him pay for it. Let Obama pay for it.

Jim: You want Obama to fund health care by himself?

Henry: Why not? He’s rich. He wrote all these books and stuff. Write another book. “The Audacity of Spending a Ridiculous Amount of Money.”

Jim: It’s going to cost a lot more than the money made from one book.

Henry: Then make other stuff. Make t-shirts. People love Obama t-shirts. They go crazy for them. Make Obama clocks, Obama mouse pads. Obama toilet seat covers. Yeah, how about Obama on your toilet, so that when I’m flushing my money down the toilet, I can know it’s Obama who did it.

Jim: Why would you flush your money down the toilet?

Henry: I wouldn’t be. Obama would. That’s why it’s his face is on the toilet.

Jim: How did Obama get in your house and flush your money down the toilet?

Henry: He’s not in my house, Jim. It’s figurative. He’s flushing my money down the toilet with his policies.

Jim: Well, I think only you can flush your money down the toilet, and I think it’s very foolish.

Henry: Well, I think you’re a toilet, Jim. How about that? I think you’re a toilet. You’re a toilet of a person. You’re, like, the person version of a toilet.

Jim: That’s very mature. I’m very glad I called.

Henry: So am I.

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You know it’s bad when even the French guy is giving you flack.

This week, Nicolas Sarkozy, the short French guy with the hot wife, took a pretty hostile and aggressive tone against our Verbal-Pauser-in-Chief. Why, wasn’t it just a few short months ago that Sarkozy and the rest of Europe seemed to be foaming in their lattes at the notion of Obama as our president? What happened?

Well, long story short, Obama’s first months in office have seen us bring down the entire world economy. (Now, I don’t want to hear that he “inherited this mess” and all the other excuses people make for him. Bush inherited stuff, too, and he didn’t cry about it. Yeah, so it was a surplus in his case, but still… You play the hand you’re dealt. It’s not Bush’s fault that Obama wanted to be president so bad.) Naturally, leaders of countries that think they didn’t do much to get their countries into the bleak situation they currently find themselves in are pretty pissed off. At the U.S.A.

Which brings us to Le Petit Prince. He is unhappy. He is threatening to walk out of the G-20 Summit meetings in London, if tighter global financial regulations are not agreed to. And the chick from Germany doesn’t seem to be swooning at the sound of our great orator’s voice either. And this is the leader of the country that went completely ga-ga over Obama just a few months ago, when he visited the all-important swing state of Munich during the presidential campaign.

So President Obama’s got some work to do. But what’s the smart move for him? What tactics can he employ to win over the Monsieur Cruller and Fraulein Sturm and Drang? Well, to start with, he can apologize for hiring a twelve-year-old Treasury Secretary. That might be a good jumping off point.

But it’s tough. On the one hand, he has to make everyone happy enough to want to help out and put money into their economies, to try to get everything moving again. On the other hand, he can’t look weak and be a pushover to a guy who comes up to his waist and a chick who… comes up his waist, too. (Although she could probably kick his ass, so I wouldn’t mess with her too much.) He’s got Gordon Brown on his team, but that’s like having the kid who wears jeans and penny loafers on your team in gym. He’s not going to carry much weight during the game.

So it seems it will be up to Mr. Obama himself. Let’s see if he’s as super-humanly talented as all the Obama-trons seem to think he is. Because one thing’s for sure: our man’s in a Paris-sized pickle.

I guess love is fleeting. Even when it’s spelled, “Je t’aime.”

Mom, Dad, listen: I know times have been tough. I know you’ve lost money in the stock market and had big chunks taken out of your 401Ks. I know all that, and I feel for you; I really do. But The Time Has Come. The time has come to get this household economy moving again. And the only way we’re going to be able to do that is if you guys start lending. Because as it is, this economy is at a standstill. I’m not buying anything. And that can’t be allowed to continue.

This parent-child economy only works if there is lending from the parent to the child. For the child has no money of his own, so without the parents’ help, he can’t go out and purchase a stereo, a laptop or even a pair of sneakers. What this means, Mom and Dad, is that everybody loses. Not just me, your child, but everybody. The whole country. The store selling the stereo doesn’t make the the sale they would have made if I had been able to buy the stereo. Maybe that’s one more worker who’ll have to be laid off this week. The laptop manufacturer moves one less unit. And we all know how important the manufacturing sector is to the overall economic health of the United States. What about the sneaker salesman? Well, without me being able to purchase a new pair of sneakers, he’s just standing at the entrance to the Foot Locker, staring out at the empty shopping mall, with nothing but his silly referee uniform to keep him company.

All of this misfortune, Mom and Dad, could be reversed if you could muster the courage and the foresight to restart the age-old practice of lending money to your children (one child in particular). What might this mean for you, specifically? Well, it could begin with an act such as handing over $120 in cash to your child. A gesture like that would go a long way to restoring confidence and faith in our household economy.

Now, I already hear your protestations. Especially you, Mom. “What is this ‘lending?’ It’s only lending if there’s some hope of getting paid back.” This is true, and in the strict sense, you won’t be paid back, at least not in the form of cash, and certainly not any time within the next several decades. But I ask you, what is “repayment?” Does it always come in the form of a return of the money you lent out? Or can it mean something else?

Isn’t it true, Mom, that someday you and Dad will both will be very old? Isn’t that, in fact, a fact? Won’t you need someone to take care of you at that point? Who do you think that might be? Your son, Billy? His dog starved to death because he forgot to feed him. I didn’t want to tell you that, but I feel the urgency of this situation requires you to be in possession of all the relevant facts. Do you really want to put your well being in the hands of someone as irresponsible as Billy? These will be, after all, your Golden Years. So isn’t it wiser, when all things are considered, to consider this $120 as a down payment? A down payment on your future? I think it is. And if I do say so myself, I’m offering quite a return on your investment. Not starving is worth an almost incalculable sum.

Mom and Dad, now that I have demonstrated how vital a return to your former lending practices is for our economy’s health, let me stress that there isn’t time to waste. One thing we don’t have in this current crisis is extra time to think, to ponder, to ruminate. Plus, the stereo sale at Best Buy ends tomorrow.

Well, well. Mr. Obama, you are finally President Obama. The day has finally come. Our nation turns its lonely eyes to you. Coo coo ca-choo.

Well, pardon me for pointing this out, but I can’t help but notice that there are still problems. I don’t understand how that’s possible. I thought you were the problem eraser, Mr. President. I thought you were like one of those magic cleaning cloths that you just rub over the problem and it goes away. That’s what I thought. (By the way, those things are amazing. I spilled chocolate syrup all over the bathroom, and you’d never know it. Fantastic.)

But alas, it doesn’t seem to be true. Here we are, several whole days now since you were inaugurated, and I see the economy is still in shambles. I see that unemployment is still incredibly high. I see that homes are still being foreclosed on all over the place, and no one can get a loan. (I can get a loan, but that’s because my mother co-signs.)

I can’t help but be skeptical, given where you’ve chosen to put your energy in these early days. For instance, couldn’t you have maybe done some work on your first official day in office? All I saw you doing on that day was dancing with your wife in twenty different places, listening to Bruce Springsteen scream about something (probably about how the working class gets screwed all the time), and trying not to fall asleep during whatever that poet lady was talking about. On your first full day in office, the next day, you phoned several Middle East leaders. Well, that’s great. I’m glad to hear that. How about calling a couple of Americans? Got time for that? I know we’re not “leaders” or “heads of state,” but we’re people. And we have phones. In fact, if you have Sprint, it would be free for you to call me.

One of the executive orders you signed means Guantanamo prison will close. Is this your plan for dealing with the economic crisis, Mr. President? Free the terrorists so they can kill us all, thus doing away with the suffering of the people by doing away with the people? They were right when they said you were smart.

Now, problems are difficult to deal with. That’s why they’re called problems. And I really do hope, for the sake of the country, that you solve them all. In order to do that, though, I think you might have to spend a little less time freeing Ahmed and his flock of merry, suicidal martyrs, and more time freeing Eddie the American from having to steal money from his wife’s purse just to go to the strip club.

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There are many reasons for this, but know that all of those reasons boil down to the fact that it was your fault.

Thank you,
HMTH

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Yes, it’s true. Due to overwhelming popular demand, The Mack Truck has decided to broadcast a live show tonight at 10 PM Pacific, 1 AM Eastern. To see the show, chat with The Mack Truck, and even join in on the show as a cohost, visit the live show page at TheMackTruck.com or the Ustream page. (If you find the chat isn’t working on The Mack Truck.com, try the UStream site.)

Be sure to tell your friends. And enjoy.

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HENRY: Yes, this is the Henry “Mack Truck” Harvey Show. Welcome aboard.

Had a little break there. Short hiatus after the election.

Don’t worry. Nothing’s wrong. Nothing’s wrong here. I wasn’t losing my mind or anything like that. I didn’t have a “breakdown,” or whatever the liberal elites on the coasts call it.

I’m not angry at all. Really okay, fine.

First caller is Dave from Silver Lake. Dave, go ahead. You’re on with The Mack Truck.

CALLER: Yeah, I just want to say, I voted for Obama, and–

HENRY: Wait, you–Dave, you voted for Obama?

Dave, just give me one reason–Just give me one reason why you voted for Obama.

CALLER: I thought he had a better grasp on the economy, and–

HENRY: Oh, yeah. “Better grasp on the economy.” Yeah, yeah. That’s a good theory. Let me tell you something, Dave. Voting for Obama, you know what that is? That’s Country Third. Voting for McCain, Country First. Voting for Obama, Country Third.

CALLER: Oh, is that so?

HENRY: Yeah, it is. Voting for Obama puts the country behind Socialism, Marxism, and spreading the wealth around.

CALLER: Well, that would be country fourth. So you don’t even know what you’re talking about.

HENRY: Oh, I don’t know what I’m talking about? Let me tell you what I’m talking about, Dave, okay? We could have had a beautiful Alaskan princess in the White House! She could have been Vice President! She would have been on TV every day! I could have seen her every day. And everyone wants change, change, change. Kick, ball, change. All over the place, blah, blah, change, change. You know what’s change? A hot, Alaskan, moose hunting mama in the White House. That’s change I can believe in!

CALLER: I thought you weren’t angry.

HENRY: I’m upset! It’s different!

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HENRY: Yes, this is The Henry “Mack Truck” Harvey Show. Welcome.

Very pleased to have with us today a representative of the Obama campaign. Harold Lauderdale, very brave of you to come on the show, stand in the path of The Mack Truck. So, thank you for being here.

LAUDERDALE: Of course. You have the best show on radio.

HENRY: Oh, thank you. That’s very kind of you. Now, I know you may be a bit shaken, having to sit in for this interview.

LAUDERDALE: I’m very scared, because you’re such a tough interviewer.

HENRY: That’s right. I don’t do small talk and I don’t shy away from the hard questions.

(pause)

I said, “I don’t do small talk and I don’t shy away from the hard questions.”

LAUDERDALE: Oh–yes, yes. I’ve seen you. They don’t call you The Mack Truck for nothing.

HENRY: No. No, they don’t.

All right. Let’s get down to it, Mr. Lauderdale. This week, Senator Obama announced he would be leaving the campaign, starting tomorrow, supposedly to visit his sick grandmother.

LAUDERDALE: That’s correct.

HENRY: Mr. Lauderdale isn’t Mr. Obama in fact leaving the campaign to meet with William Ayers, the former terrorist and member of the Weather Underground?

LAUDERDALE: Yes. That’s true. How did you go and uncover that? Damn you.

HENRY: Isn’t William Ayers right now on a plane to Hawaii, where he will wait on a beach for Mr. Obama, where they will meet and share a drink with an umbrella in it and plot the overthrow of the U.S. government?

LAUDERDALE: Yes, yes. My goodness. How do you know that?

HENRY: And isn’t ‘grandmother’ actually radical terrorist shorthand for Bill Ayers? A handle, if you will?

LAUDERDALE: Yes, that’s also true.

HENRY: I thought so. And isn’t Mr. Obama’s handle Muslim Man?

LAUDERDALE: Yes, because he loves being a Muslim more than anything.

HENRY: Mmm.

Mr. Lauderdale, isn’t it true that there really is no grandmother? That if I traveled to Hawaii, what I would find in the bed where she should be would be William Ayers in bed in makeup and a nighty, pretending to be Mr. Obama’s grandmother?

LAUDERDALE: I thought Ayers was on the beach.

HENRY: He goes back and forth. Now, wouldn’t I find Mr. Ayers in that bed, Mr. Lauderdale?

LAUDERDALE: Uh… Uh… Yes, Mr. Obama would be in the bed. Yes.

HENRY: No. No, no. Mr. Ayers would be in bed, right, Mr. Lauderdale? Not Mr. Obama.

LAUDERDALE: (shuffling papers) Uh… one minute. I–

Henry, I lost my place! I lost my place!

(static)

HENRY: Uh, I want to thank Mr. Lauderdale for coming on the show. Apparently, we lost connection. It takes courage to stand in the path of The Mack Truck, which is filled with truth, and he tried, and we have to commend him for that. Trying is great.

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HENRY: Yes, this is The Henry “Mack Truck” Harvey Show. Welcome.

The Troopergate report was released late last week.

Happy to say, Sarah Palin was exonerated.

First caller is Dale from Irvine, California. Dale, go ahead. You’re on with the Mack Truck.

CALLER: Yeah, she actually wasn’t exonerated. The report said that she abused her power.

HENRY: That’s not even possible. How is that even possible? could she abuse her power? She’s the governor. She has all the power.

She can fire whoever she wants.

She’s walking down the street, and she sees a cleaning lady. And she says, “Hey, cleaning lady. You’re fired, because you’re not cleaning well. Everything’s dirty.

CALLER: That’s not–

HENRY: Hey, window washer man, you’re fired. I see streaks in that window, and that means that people can’t see moose when they look outside. So you’re fired.

CALLER: But, you see–

HENRY: Hey, receptionist lady, I see you typing very slowly, and you’re supposed to type faster, and you’re fired. I know monkeys that can type faster than you, and the monkeys I know have one arm and bad coordination.

CALLER: She acted unethically. I mean, that’s what it said–

HENRY: No, no. You’re missing the point. There’s nothing unethical when you can fire anybody you want, and you fire anybody you want.

She should be on that Donald Trump show. “You’re fired.” “You’re fired.”

CALLER: Okay, that’s a horrible impersonation.

HENRY: Well, I’m not a ventriloquist, okay?

Point is, you mess with the guv, you get the glove… that’s holding the pink slip… that fires you.

CALLER: Once again, I have no idea what you’re saying.

HENRY: I know what I’m saying. I’m saying, “Here come the guv. Here come the guv.”

Okay, let’s do a little role playing. I’m Sarah Palin, and you’re you, but you live in Alaska. Okay?

CALLER: Okay…

HENRY: All right, so, “What do you do?”

CALLER: Me? I’m an attorney, actually.

HENRY: Oh. You’re fired.