Shenk and Me 5-17-11

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Transcript:

Shenk: James, if I understand it, you manage our online image, is that right?

James: Yes.

Shenk: Very well. I have two questions. One, what have you found so far? And two, what is an internet?

James: Uh. Well, our image at the moment is not so good. On Facebook, for example, there is a page called “Herb Shenk Must Die.”

Shenk: Hmm. That could be negative.

James: The page has 3,500 fans.

Shenk: And where is this? Facebook? What the hell is a Facebook? A book of faces? Who cares what faces think? They don’t have money.

James: Well, the faces belong to people. There are millions of people on Facebook.

Shenk: Millions? And only 3,500 want me to die? Things are looking up!

Transcript:

Herb: James, you know why I called you in here today?

James: No. Actually, I don’t.

Herb: Mm. You know why that is? Because I haven’t tell you.

You know what I’m thinking right now?

James: No.

Herb: I’ll tell you. “Man, that guy looks like my first wife.” That’s what I’m thinking.

James: Um…

Herb: Something in the jaw, I think. Anyway, James, I assume you know who I am. Right?

James: Yes. You’re Mr. Shenk.

Herb: That’s right. Herb Shenk. You can call me Herb–

James: Okay. Thanks, Herb.

Herb: If you want to die.

James: I’m sorry?

Herb: I wasn’t finished with my sentence. I was going to say, “You can call me Herb, if you want to die.”

James: Oh.

TheNationalProtrusion.com presents NightNite, an in-depth look at the issues most important to Americans. Tonight, an examination of the difference between military spending and domestic spending.

Transcript:

Host: Good evening. President Obama has announced he will add 30,000 American troops to aid the war effort in Afghanistan. The estimated cost is $30 billion for the first year. Luckily, that money is not counted towards the national budget deficit, nor is any spending on any matter related to the Defense Department. The amount owed in these cases is written in an invisible ink, and after a few weeks, it fades away, so that the lender in question, usually China, can’t see the amount. Unfortunately, domestic priorities like education and health care reform use regular ink, which doesn’t disappear, so they add to the deficit.

When we come back, new fighter jets commissioned by the Defense Department can’t be seen by radar, by satellite, or unfortunately, by any of the United States military personnel charged with maintaining their whereabouts.

Transcript:

Magnanimous: Good evening. Is President Obama taking too long to make a decision on troop levels in Afghanistan?

Joining us now is someone who thinks he is. House Minority Leader John Boehner of Ohio. Congressman Boehner, thank you for joining us.

Congressman Boehner: Thank you for having me.

Magnanimous: So why do you say the president is taking too long?

Boehner: Well, Sheila, the fact is, we’re not Communists in this country. We don’t deliberate, listen to opposing points of view, consider our options. We decide. Quickly and decisively.

Magnanimous: But–

Boehner: Even if the decision is a bad one. In fact, I would say we’re especially good at making quick terrible decisions. We excel at that. For example, this morning, I made a decision to leave my house without pants. Now, some would say that was a bad decision. My neighbor, in fact, told me he thought it was a bad decision, in no uncertain terms.

Magnanimous: Um–

Boehner: But I made the decision. I committed to it. I made it decisively, and let me tell you, I made it quickly. Because as an American, that’s what I do. I make terrible decisions quickly. And the president needs to do that. He needs to make a decisive decision.

Magnanimous: Congressman, are you wearing pants now?

Boehner: I have just made a decisive decision not to answer that question.

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Transcript:

henry: Yes, this is The Henry “Mack Truck” Harvey Show. welcome.

Like to take a call right now from Robert in Culver City. Robert, go ahead. you’re on with The Mack Truck.

caller: Yeah, I’d like to know what you think of the Attorney General’s decision to try Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and other suspects in New York.

henry: What do i think? I think it’s a terrible idea. An awful idea.

caller: Why do you think it’s an awful idea?

henry: Because it unnecessarily endangers the lives of Americans, the lives of New Yorkers. It’s a terrible idea.

caller: But these are maximum security prisons, they hold the worst kind of criminals. Why can’t they hold a middle-aged terrorist? They hold–

henry: I don’t care if they hold The Incredible Hulk and King Kong at the same time.

caller: Those are fictional characters.

henry: These guys are different. they’re terrorists. They’re terrorists. They’re different. They have terror powers that regular criminals don’t have.

caller: But what can this guy possibly do? I mean, he’ll be in handcuffs and there’ll be armed guards all around–

henry: I don’t know what he could do. He could say a Muslim prayer that turns the handcuffs into sand and the guards into husks of corn. And then, you know what? He’s free to go hook up with his radical Islamist buddies and wage joyous jihad on the streets of new york. Okay?

caller: So you really think these guys have, like, super powers? Something…

henry: I think that’s kind of obvious. I mean, why do you think bin Laden’s been free for so long? Because he can probably shape shift into, like, a hawk or something and fly away from the guys chasing them.

caller: If they have super powers, then why wouldn’t they have escaped already?

henry: Because they were biding their time. They wanted to wait till they got to New York, which is, like, the ultimate prize, before they wage this, like, ultimate jihad plan.

caller: But how did they know Holder would send them to New York?

henry: Uh, the same way they can turn handcuffs to sand and guards to husks of corn.

caller: Which they can’t.

henry: You’d better watch it, buddy. One of these days you’ll be walking along, thinking you’re about to pass some nice, innocent Muslim woman and say hello, and suddenly, you’re a horned toad.

Transcript:

Anchor: Shouts of “Kill the bill” led to the shooting death of a man named Bill, outside the Capitol Building Saturday during an anti-health care reform protest.

Police say the victim was this man, Bill Abernathy, a shoemaker from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. They say he arrived late to the rally, just as protesters were well into one of many rounds of the chant, “Kill the bill.” And then, tragedy.

Detective: What we think happened was the victim approached the crowd, announced his name was Bill, and was promptly shot in the face.

Anchor: Police say Mr. Abernathy was shot not once, but multiple times, by multiple shooters. They have not released the names of any suspects, but say they have several men in custody.

The “bill” the crowd was talking about killing was of course the health care reform legislation being debated inside the Capitol by members of the House of Representatives.

Quickly realizing the mistake they had made, the shooters themselves rushed to aid the wounded man. By the time the ambulance arrived at the scene, he was dead.

When asked how members of the crowd could have made such a mistake, some tea-partiers said it wasn’t that surprising.

Rolland (protester): To me it makes total sense. If they’re yelling, “Kill the bill,” and you show up and say, “Hi, my name is Bill,” you’re going to get shot in the face.

If they were yelling, “Kill the Randall! Kill the Randall!” And I showed up and said, “Hey, my name is Randall,” I might shoot myself in the face.