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NYPD Officers Pepper-Spray One Another at Annual Retreat

Officer Reginald Taylor, originally from Queens, was declared the winner after besting a total of eight opponents.

Nuclear Energy Completely Safe, Say Men Who Make Money from Nuclear Energy

The Nuclear Energy Institute released a statement in which they declared nuclear energy to be “completely and utterly safe.”

John Galt Living in Government-Assisted Housing Paid for by Medicaid

John Galt, the central character in Ayn Rand’s epic 1957 novel “Atlas Shrugged” is living in a government-assisted housing project built specifically for elderly Illinois residents.

Abortion to Receive Govt. Funding Only When Two or More Women Might Die

A Democratic House member has made his amendment even more restrictive.

Death Panel Rules Palin be Tweeted to Death

A death panel convened by the Obama Administration to judge which Americans are allowed to live or die has ruled that former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin must be tweeted, or twittered, to death.

Illegal Immigrants Not Entitled to Health

Lawmakers in Congress may disagree on many aspects of health care reform legislation, but they agree on one thing: illegal immigrants don’t deserve health care legislation, because they don’t deserve health.

Study: Most Sick Americans Will be Dead by the Time Health Care Bill Passes

A study released Wednesday by the National Institutes of Health finds that an overwhelming majority of sick Americans will be dead by the time a health care bill passes, because they delayed doctor’s visits and other necessary medical procedures due to high medical care costs coupled with job losses and low incomes.

Supreme Court Rules Altruism Unconstitutional

In a 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court ruled Monday that generosity, altruism and sacrifice violate the Constitution, specifically the Fourth Amendment’s protection from unreasonable searches and seizures.

Obama Names Larry Brillstein Secretary of Panic

President Obama announced his appointment of Larry Brillstein as Secretary of Panic at the White House Thursday afternoon.

Obama Tells Graduates to Lower Expectations

“This is not a time to be a dreamer,” Mr. Obama said.