Officer Reginald Taylor, originally from Queens, was declared the winner after besting a total of eight opponents. After the victory in the final match, he said his eyes stung, but his spirit was satisfied.

“It’s a great feeling to win this,” Taylor said. “All these guys, they’re really good at pepper-spraying, so to be the declared the best out of this group is pretty gratifying.”

For his victory, Taylor was awarded a bronze statue of an anti-war protester writhing on the ground in pain.

Jeff Friedkin, one of the group’s representatives, scurried around Captiol Hill, trying to get that message across to lawmakers.

“We know these nuclear reactors are safe because we’ve tested them rigorously,” Friedkin said. “We’ve set up Lego versions of the reactors and had our intern, Phil, shake the base of the whole thing really hard. Like, probably as hard as the earthquake in Japan would have been, had it happened in Lego World.”

Concern over the future of nuclear energy hit its peak with the recent disaster at several Japanese reactors following an earthquake and tsunami in that country. Friedkin is hoping to allay fears about the industry, at least among D.C. legislators.

“I told them, ‘Listen, I would put my grandmother in the middle of any of the reactors in this country,’” Friedkin said. “‘During an earthquake.’ Now, granted, my grandmother is dead, and I didn’t like her very much, but regardless, I think I got my point across.”

Mr. Galt, who is 97 years old, has become a symbol for laissez-faire capitalism, and specifically for Ms. Rand’s philosophy of Objectivism, in the years since the novel’s publication. Objectivism calls for a completely unobtrusive role by government in business. Mr. Galt’s character leads a shutdown of industry as a means of avoiding succumbing to what he sees as a socialist government agenda. He then attempts to begin a new society, based on his philosophy, with all the world’s titans of industry.

An assisted living facility in Evanston, Illinois, specifically constructed to provide low-income housing for elderly Illinois residents.

Asked about the apparent contradiction between his role in the book and his current living situation, Galt said, “Well, I lost my job. After the whole shutdown, we tried to make our own thing, our own society, but it failed, because we all wanted a bigger piece. So I shut it down and came back to the U.S. But I didn’t have my business anymore. It was all gone.”

Mr. Galt said he did find a job, as an engineer with Arcon Petroleum. He worked for Arcon for 31 years. Then, in 1992, he was fired.

“I couldn’t believe it. I had given my life to that company, and they threw me out, like I was nothing,” he said. “I started drinking then, lost a lot of people who were close to me, and then the whole meltdown happened.”

The “meltdown” Galt is referring to is the current economic recession, which began in 2007. He says that his pension, like the pensions of millions of Americans, was wiped away in the blink of an eye.

“It gets me disgusted, even talking about it,” he said. “I had my money with one of these banks, and they took all these risks with it, and poof! It’s gone. Just like that. And I had nothing.”

And that is when, after much hesitation due to what he calls “an immense amount of pride,” he looked into filing for assistance from the government.

“It was the last thing in the world that I wanted to do, but I didn’t have any choice. I needed to eat, I needed to live. So here we are.”

Galt acknowledges that if Ms. Rand were to somehow learn of his current situation, she would be shocked and appalled.

“She’d probably turn over in her grave,” he said. “But by herself. Not with any help from anyone.”

The amendment, written by Rep. Bart Stupak of Michigan, states, “no government funds pay for any abortion or to cover any part of the costs of any health plan that includes coverage of abortion, except in the case where two or more women are at risk of death, such as a multi-victim car accident.”

The new amendment does not make any mention of cases of rape or incest being exempted, so the assumption is those cases will no longer be eligible for any government funds.

Stupak said that after reviewing the original amendment, which passed by a vote of 240 to 194, he concluded there was a need for greater restriction.

“Well, it just seemed like, one woman who may die, that seems a rather common occurrence,” Stupak said. “Women die all the time. I thought we needed to make the language tougher, say we’re not going to cover any old abortion, willy-nilly. It’s got be a particular circumstance. You got three dying women? Okay, we’ll think about it.”

Update: The revised amendment passed the House 239-195 late Thursday.

“Ms. Palin, being fond of communicating on the social networking sites such as Twitter and Facebook,” the statement read, “is hereby ordered to be put to death in a manner befitting the social networking community. She will be inundated with 140-character tweets, until unable to sustain life.”

In a post on Facebook reacting to the panel’s ruling, Palin wrote, “You see?!?! I told you there were death panels!!!! I was right!!! And they’ve targeted me!!! Your favorite gov!! Help!!!!”

The panel is manned by anonymous bureaucrats whose sole purpose is to euthanize large swaths of the U.S. population, particularly elderly Americans and disabled children and adults, by denying them medical care. However, in Palin’s case, the panel ruled that further action must be taken beyond the usual denial of necessary treatment.

“We must look at a person’s value to society when deciding whether they live or die,” the panel’s statement explained. “And in the case of Gov. Palin, she is not only of no use to society, but she is actually a negative drain on society. Each time she posts a ‘tweet’ or updates her Facebook page, the collective intelligence of the country’s population is lowered significantly. This must stop. She must stop. Her next update will be her last.”

Palin has made headlines throughout the health care reform debate, speaking out against the lack of choice such reform will bring, and most notably, warning Americans about precisely the type of death panel that has just determined her fate.

“Seriously, this isn’t a joke,” Palin wrote on Twitter Monday afternoon, after receiving multiple tweets. In the next post, or tweet, she managed to send, she wrote, “Stop!! Stop tweeting me!! I can’t take much more!!! Pleeeeeaaaassee!!!”

She did not tweet again.

“You’re in this country illegally, here usurping resources that are meant for tax-paying American citizens,” said House Minority Leader John Boehner of Ohio. “To my mind, that means that you don’t deserve good health. You deserve to be sickened, all the time. Chronically under-the-weather, if you will.”

Democrats in Congress appear to agree. Speaker Nancy Pelosi said, “Health is reserved for Americans who are here legally, who follow the rules that come with being a citizen of the United States. If you’re here illegally, you should not feel good while you’re here.”

Earlier this year, Republican lawmaker Joe Wilson caused an uproar when he accused President Barack Obama of lying about the fact that the health care reform plan favored by the White House would not cover illegal immigrants. The debate has only intensified since then, and lawmakers have felt intense pressure from their constituencies. As a result, they have upped the ante, and declared that illegal immigrants not only will not be able to receive government-provided health care coverage when they are sick or in need of the doctor, but that they will always be sick and always in need of a doctor.

President Obama himself has said such a conclusion “seems only fair.”

“Look, I want everyone to be covered, because I want everyone to live a healthy, productive life, as I’ve said all along,” Mr. Obama said in remarks at the White House. “But when I say ‘everyone,’ I mean everyone here legally. Those here illegally, frankly, I don’t really care if they live a healthy life or they experience acute pain for ten hours a day. It makes no difference to me.”

American taxpayers already foot the bill when illegal immigrants visit emergency rooms or take advantage of Emergency Medicaid. But lawmakers say that’s beside the point.

“The question isn’t, ‘Hey, aren’t we already paying for this anyway?’” said Boehner. “The question is, do these people deserve to have days, weeks of their lives where they are not ill or incapacitated? And the answer is no.”

“Nearly 72% of the sick in the U.S. are likely to die from treatable medical conditions before a bill overhauling the health care system is passed by Congress, let alone signed by President Obama,” the report said. “Due to the current economic crisis, people are putting off doctor’s visits, minor procedures, and even major surgeries. If the current situation persists, there will surely be several million deaths in the coming year.”

Jim Manna of Allentown, PA, was told he needs coronary bypass surgery to repair clogged arteries. He said he hopes he can wait until a new health care bill is on the books.

“I think I can make it till, let’s say, December,” Manna said. “I mean, I hope they can get it done by then. Judging by how poor my breathing is right now, I don’t think there’s much chance of me making it to January. So, let’s go, guys. Maybe take it up a notch.”

Ethel Jaimes of Chicago knows she should take her son, Jayson, to the doctor, but she is a single mother who just lost her job and cannot afford the visit.

“He’s bleeding, like, from his eyes,” Ms. Jaimes said. “Which I know isn’t good. But what can I do? I ask him, Which would you rather have, bread or the doctor? And he says bread.”

Senator Chuck Grassley of Iowa, the ranking Republican on the Senate Finance Committee, said any delay in getting a bill to the Senate floor for debate is not the fault of Republicans.

“It is the Democrats’ attempt to fashion a government takeover of health care that is causing this process to take so long,” Grassley said. “I was ready to pass a bill on day one. Day one of negotiations. I proposed a bill that no one new gets covered, and that being tired can be considered a preexisting condition. Now, is it my fault that no one went with me on that?”

The NIH report concludes by noting one possible advantage to having many millions of Americans die from unreceived medical attention — that many fewer Americans will need health care coverage.

“This could result in a substantially lower cost for the bill that eventually is considered. Reducing by several million the number of Americans who need health insurance coverage would surely bring down the overall cost of the legislation. In addition, as these were the sickest Americans, their care would have been that much more expensive. However, it is important to note that any gain could well be negated by losses in tax revenue due to the rapid disappearance of millions of tax payers.”

Writing the majority opinion, Justice Alito wrote, “It is our finding that the Fourth Amendment’s protection against unreasonable search and seizure is violated by one individual attempting to ‘search’ another for any available funds or aid, and then ‘seize’ those funds for themselves.”

Joining Justice Alito for the majority were Chief Justice Roberts and Justices Scalia, Thomas, and Kennedy.

Following the Court’s decision, Conco Corp.’s CEO Vern Renlington told reporters he considered himself and his company vindicated.

“I said all along that I trusted the legal system in this country, and I was proven right to do so,” Mr. Renlington said. “We can’t have people, ordinary individuals, just asking for and receiving help willy-nilly all over the place. The system as we know it will collapse from the inside if this kind of thing continues unabated. There’s no place for empathy in an environment where you work in a company with other people. Or anywhere else, really.”

Mr. Wilson could not be reached for comment, but his attorney, Jeffrey Adams, said his client was disappointed. “My client tried to help friends of his out, honestly thinking he wasn’t breaking any laws in doing so. Now he’ll know not to do it again, to refuse any requests for help he may get, whether from co-workers, dear friends or even family members. Actually, it’s kind of a moot point in any case, as he has no job and no income to speak of and therefore couldn’t possibly help anyone out, even if he wanted to.”

Continuing the majority opinion, Justice Alito wrote, “Our nation is founded on the freedom of the individual, not the need of those experiencing difficulty tricking those who have means to help to give them undeserved rewards. Where others may say, ‘Hey brother, can you spare a dime,’ the United States says, ‘Find your own dime, because I won’t be giving you any of mine.’”

President Obama introduces Larry Brillstein, his choice for Secretary of Panic, a new cabinet-level position. Brillstein almost didn’t make it to the White House due to his fear of going outside.

“Today I announce one of my most important appointments,” Mr. Obama said in prepared remarks. “Larry Brillstein will bring to this position the same level of paranoia and overreaction that he has brought to every job he has held so far in his life – one of which he lost due to an anxiety attack which occurred in front of customers.”

Mr. Obama said he chose to create the position, the first of its kind, because the country is in a “particularly heightened state of anxiety,” with the economic downturn, two wars being waged simultaneously, and most recently nuclear tests on the part of North Korea and missile tests on the part of Iran.

“This is a nerve-wracking time,” he said. “And who better to guide us through it than a man who once made and canceled the same doctor’s appointment eight times, because he was too scared to go? I am certain Larry is the right man for this job.”

Mr. Brillstein addressed the press, which he said was “frightening in a way you could not possibly imagine.”

“I almost didn’t make it here today,” Mr. Brillstein said. “I looked out my window and saw a man walking his dog. I was sure he was staring at me. I became very nervous and found it hard to breathe. It is this kind of experience that I will bring to the position of Secretary of Panic. I know panic. I know panic better than I know anything else in my life. And that worries me.”

Brillstein acknowledged his limited resume, but said he would give the position everything he had.

“You can be sure that when I wake up each day and think about the job ahead, I will be nervous almost to the point of incapacitation. I’ve never let a day casually go by before, and you can be certain I won’t start now. Thank you, Mr. President. And now I should probably go vomit.”

“This is not a time to be a dreamer,” Mr. Obama said. “This is a time for pragmatism, realism. Could you be a doctor, a lawyer, a famous person who changes the world? Perhaps. In some great accident of chance, perhaps. But in the real world, nine out of ten of you can’t do more than hold down a job in middle management. Admitting that to yourselves now will save you and your family a whole lot of heartbreak down the road.”

Some graduates said they were disappointed, even upset by the president’s remarks.

“I was really excited when I heard he was going to be speaking,” said Angela Loftino, 21. “But then he was just the most depressing person I’ve ever heard speak anywhere. Ever. It was worse than a funeral. At least with a funeral, you don’t have all this hope going in that it’s going to be uplifting.”

Daniel Orbason felt much the same way. “After he finished, all I wanted to do was run back and see if I could still fail a class, so I wouldn’t have to graduate.”

Mr. Obama, whose life story millions of people have found inspiring, said his own story was just that – his own.

“I hear all the time, ‘Oh, you’ve inspired me to try to be president,’” he said. “‘I know now that I can do it, because you did it.’ Well, let me clear this up once and for all. You’re you. I’m me. Did you grow up like me? No. Do you have a grandmother in Kenya? I doubt it. Did you edit the Harvard Law Review? Let’s not be ridiculous. So we’re not the same, you and I. We are very, very different.”

“People,” the president concluded, “you’re not going to be President. None of you. I’d bet a million dollars on it. My advice is, look for something secure, with good health benefits. Something simple, where you don’t have to use your mind all that much, or make decisions that affect large numbers of people. For God’s sake, don’t overshoot. That’s my message to you: Aim low. Thank you.”

President Barack Obama stands with Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton and Defense Secretary Robert M. Gates as he addresses the press to speak of the threat posed to the nation by former Vice President Dick Cheney.

“I have to look at it honestly and objectively, and when I do that, I see that I haven’t done the job,” the president said. “Vice President Cheney is still out there, speaking, scaring the bejeezus out of kids and nervous people everywhere, and I have to take some of the blame for that.”

Mr. Cheney has been on what has amounted to a media blitz of late, appearing on several television programs and making public speeches, attempting to defend harsh interrogation policies authorized by the Bush Administration. Americans have been exposed to Cheney far more often than some of them would like.

Jane Armster of Portland, Oregon said she thought the worst was over. “You know the election happened, and I thought, ‘Wow, he’s gone. Cheney’s really gone.’ And then here we are, what, a few months later, and he’s back. And he’s on TV all the time. He’s everywhere. It’s like he’s vice president all over again, except this time he has the energy to appear in public and talk all the time. It’s terrifying.”

Vice President Dick Cheney walks to a podium to speak to troops in his private army. The army is prepared to fight the U.S. military on behalf of Mr. Cheney.

Mike Mansher of Cleveland, Ohio said, “I feel like I’m in some kind of time warp or something. Like it’s 2003 again. And I hated 2003. I was dating this chick, and she was just a nightmare. Clingy, psycho. Hated my friends. So I don’t want to go back there again, thank you very much.”

Washington was abuzz this morning over a Washington Post report that Mr. Cheney is amassing a private army made up of thousands of paid soldiers ready to fight the U.S. military, if necessary. The former vice president is also named in separate Post story as “someone who expressed interest” in obtaining a black market nuclear weapon or the materials to make such a weapon by a Pakistani man in British custody who is awaiting trial on terrorism charges. The man, Ejaz Youseff, claims to have “extensive firsthand knowledge” of the nuclear weapons black market.

Lynne Headman, a spokeswoman in Mr. Cheney’s Washington, D.C. office, called both stories “flatly untrue.”

“Vice President Cheney has never pursued the purchase of a nuclear weapon,” Ms. Headman said. “And if he did, he would pay for it above board, fair and square and using the proper channels. Like he does with all his other weapons of mass destruction.”

Mr. Obama vowed to fight the forces of Mr. Cheney with new resolve, but said he won’t go beyond the rule of law.

“What I won’t do is torture, or do anything else that undermines the rule of law or goes against our founding principles,” he said. “We can defeat our enemies without sacrificing the moral authority that is our greatest currency. We can do that even against an enemy as formidable as Dick Cheney.”

Dr. Edward Mukley of UCLA’s Department of Electronic Information Studies said an infected user in Oklahoma booted up his computer to find a message awaiting him in large, bold letters. The message read, “I found a screenplay in your ‘Personal Writing’ folder. Unfortunately it’s a rehash of every Woody Allen film ever made. Don’t quit your day job.”

In another case, the worm told a user in New York that he “had the lamest Firefox bookmarks this virus has ever seen. Seriously, ‘People.com?’ Come on, dude.”

“Many worms want to alter or delete your personal data, or else take over your computer itself and use it as a kind of host,” said Dr. Mulkey. “This virus doesn’t want to do either of those things. It just wants to make fun of it, make fun of you. It wants you to feel terrible about the stuff on your computer. And it’s pretty successful.”

Mukley points out that according to his department’s findings this far, users needn’t be alarmed or feel the need to take any immediate preventive action, unless they are unable to handle the written insults that may appear on their computer screens.

“It’s not like your stuff is going to go away, or be corrupted, at least as far as we can tell,” Mukley said. “You just may have to deal with a message that you’re really stupid or you have terrible taste in music or something like that.”

The insults, however, can be harsh. According to Elaine Strapaldi, an infected computer user in New Jersey, the virus left her a message saying, “Your family pictures in your Photos folder reveal your family is not what one would call attractive. You probably already know this.”

“And I just thought, ‘What a rude virus,’” said Mrs. Strapaldi.

“We found Mr. Gonzales in the shed at approximately 2:15 PM,” said White House Security Officer Greg Anderson. “He was wearing a big winter jacket, a hat and earmuffs. We found several half-eaten pine cones strewn about the floor of the shed, and we could not find any evidence of any other food source in the nearby vicinity or on Mr. Gonzales’s person. We were able to ascertain from facial hair growth and other indicators that he had been in the shed for at least three weeks. Now, I’m no nutritional expert, but I must say I am shocked at the apparent sustenance value of pine cones. They kept Mr. Gonzales’s body functioning for that entire time. Unless he had some beef jerky hidden somewhere that we couldn’t see, you have to admit that’s pretty impressive.”

“Well, the reason it works is because Justice Thomas is such a great straight man,” Scalia remarked. “I mean, you can’t get him to smile. It’s almost impossible. And when he does, it’s creepy. I tell him not to as much as I can.”

Thomas, for his part, said, “My suggestion was ‘Waiting for Godot.’ Scalia didn’t want to do that.”

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George W. Bush presented the American people with a mix tape as his parting gift, in his final act as President of the United States.

“I leave you this tape, as a measure of my gratitude for allowing me to serve as your president for eight wonderful years,” Mr. Bush said in prepared opening remarks. “Many’s a time I thought you might impeach me, or worse, take to the streets in violent revolution. But you didn’t. You let me stay. And for that, I have pulled together as many classic songs as I could find, and put them all on one tape for you, the American people. Because you deserve only the best. The most classic classics. And that’s what these are.”

Mr. Bush then listed some of the songs he included on the tape. “‘Wind Beneath My Wings’ reminds me of the fact that I couldn’t be president without a country beneath me,” he said. “So, though it’s not the same as wind, it’s very similar and it makes my mind think of the same thing. It’s one of the four elements, anyway, the country. Because it’s land. A lot of it’s land.”

He continued, “‘I Believe I Can Fly,’ because I do. ‘I Will Always Love You,’ because I will. ‘My Heart Will Go On,’ for Cheney. Because somehow, his heart is still going on. Everyone knows it shouldn’t be, but doggone it if that little guy isn’t pumping away, working like crazy to get blood through that body. It’s amazing.

“And as a kind of change of pace, ‘Who Let the Dogs Out?’ because I actually did let the dogs out most of the time, so I’m hoping you might think of me when you hear that song.

“Those are just some of the gems that are on here, and they’re for you,” said Mr. Bush, holding up the tape. “It is the least I can give you, after all our years together. But it is from the heart. Oh, that’s another one: ‘Straight From the Heart.’ If you can’t love Bryan Adams, you maybe just can’t love.”

Mr. Bush concluded, “So though we may part now, know that it’s not really goodbye, it’s ‘until we meet again.’ And until that time, when we meet again, you’ll have this tape. These songs. To remind you of me, and how wonderful our time was together. Okay, maybe it wasn’t quite ‘wonderful’ for some of you, some of the time. Or a lot of the time. Maybe it was just good most of the time. Or maybe it wasn’t good at all, any of the time. Maybe it was mediocre at best. Hopefully that’s not the case, but even if it is, you’ll still have these songs. To remind you of that time. To remind you of me. I love you, America. And I only made one copy of this thing, so you’ll have to share.”