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The National Protrusion.com

Cheney Vows to Remain in Secret White House Cave-Chamber Throughout Obama’s Tenure

Vice President Dick Cheney said today that he has no plans to leave his secret chamber, located somewhere within or near the White House, once Barack Obama begins his term as U.S. President in late January.

Smart Man Elected Somehow

Jeremy Montross, a stupid person from Michigan, was disappointed with the outcome of the election.

Bush Unlikely to Get White House Security Deposit Back

President Bush said he was “very disappointed” to learn that he will likely not be receiving any of the $3,000 security deposit he put down when he took over the White House in January of 2001.

Gonzales Shows Up at Justice Department Dressed as Mukasey

Former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales showed up at the Robert F. Kennedy Department of Justice Building disguised as current Attorney General Michael B. Mukasey.

Bush Finally Reads Job Description

President Bush said he was “shocked” by the expectations of a United States president as outlined in the position’s job description.

Gonzales Keeps Prank-Calling White House

Over the past several weeks, White House Switchboard Chief Operator Mary Brontson says the switchboard has received up to a dozen prank calls a day from former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales.

New FISA Bill Grants Cheney Unlimited Use of Your Cell Phone

President Bush said the bill’s passage is urgently needed to protect the nation from another terrorist attack.

Gay Couples Marry, Prepare to Invade

Across California, dozens of same-sex couples took vows and married today, then immediately prepared for the invasion of straight couples’ homes.

Bush Wakes From ‘Crazy Dream’ Where He Was President For Seven and a Half Years

“It was so weird,” Mr. Bush said during an interview with a German newspaper, to be published next week.

Bush Vows to Finish ‘She’s Come Undone’ by End of Term

President Bush vowed today to finish the Wally Lamb novel “She’s Come Undone” by the time he leaves office in January, 2009.