Atlantic Ocean Prices Rise to $2.79 per Gallon
The price of a gallon of the Atlantic Ocean’s water rose 5.4 cents Friday, reaching a record high $2.79.
Unmanned Drone Put in Charge of War in Afghanistan
The Defense Department announced Friday that one of its many Predator drones will take over command of U.S. forces in Afghanistan, effective immediately.
Terrorist Smuggles Entire al-Qaeda Training Class Aboard Flight to U.S.
Authorities are piecing together clues as to how an alleged terrorist was able to smuggle 12 of his al-Qaeda training school classmates onto a flight from Germany to Chicago in his carry-on luggage.
Karzai Replaced with Actual Puppet
Afghan President Hamid Karzai was forcibly removed from office early Wednesday morning in an apparent coup. Sammy, a puppet made of a large green and black sock with glued-on googly eyes, was introduced as the new president.
Al Qaeda Begins Fall Fund Drive
Osama bin Laden’s notorious terrorist group Al Qaeda has begun its Fall Fund Drive, according to an audio message released by the group’s deputy, Ayman al-Zawahri, Tuesday. The Fund Drive typically includes round-the-clock audio programming where Al Qaeda members entreat listeners for donations to help maintain operations.
Creationist Archaeologists Uncover Remains of First Evolution-Denier
Creationist archaeologists are abuzz with the discovery of remains that appear to belong to the first person to write extensively about the necessity for a literal reading of the Bible’s Book of Genesis and its story of how the world was created.
Experts: Giant Death Ray Likely Not Meant for Research
Though Syrian President Bashar Al-Assad insists that the Giant Death Ray found to be under construction in an underground lab in an undisclosed location in the Syrian desert is meant only for research and telecommunications, experts say its purpose is much more nefarious: it means to cause death to as many people as possible.
Iran Will Only Meet with U.S. if U.S. Representatives Get Nothing to Drink
Iran’s Foreign Minister announced today that a precondition for any bilateral meeting between Iran and United States would necessitate “nothing delicious or cold for the Americans to drink.”
U.S. Test-Fires Long-Range Rhetoric
At approximately 1:13 a.m. EDT, The United States test-fired a package of long-range rhetoric which could potentially reach North Korea, the Defense Department announced today.
Guantanamo Detainee Suggests Moving Guantanamo Detainees to Ramada Inn
Nazirr says the 240 detainees could be moved to a Ramada Inn off I-95 in Maryland.
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