“This is a proud day for America,” Obama said in briefing at the White House. “We once again have set the standard for the rest of the world to attempt to reach, the way we did with space exploration, manufacturing of the automobile and making public health insurance seem like a bad idea. Americans should be proud of their nation and their military.”

The old record for number of Muslim countries invaded simultaneously was two, and was set by France’s Napoleon Bonaparte in the late 18th and early 19th Centuries, when he attempted invasions of Syria and Egypt. The United States tied that record in 2003, when it invaded Iraq while already engaged in the war in Afghanistan.

President Obama spoke about what the record means for his administration and the nation as a whole.

“When I got into office, many people said the one thing we couldn’t do was invade a third Muslim country, or any country, as we were already so heavily involved in Afghanistan and Iraq,” the president said. “But I don’t think of the United States in terms of what we can’t do. I think about the possibilities of what we can do. And I knew we could do this, and I was proven correct.”

Kabul, Afghanistan – The Defense Department announced Friday that one of its many Predator drones will take over command of U.S. forces in Afghanistan, effective immediately.

The drone, or unmanned aerial vehicle (UVA), replaces General Stanley A. McChrystal, who had been in charge of U.S. and Nato forces in Afghanistan since June of 2009. Gen. McChrystal could not be reached for comment.

Pentagon Spokesman Geoff Morrell explained the thinking behind Friday’s decision, saying that Defense Secretary Robert Gates had not lost confidence in General McChrystal; he had gained confidence in the unmanned drones.

“The role of unmanned drones in Afghanistan and Pakistan has continued to increase to the point where it was mutually agreed by the Pentagon leadership that they are now experienced enough and battle-tested enough to take command of the war effort in Afghanistan,” Morrell said. “It will be a fresh approach. I don’t think anyone can deny that.”

Morrell said the particular Predator drone chosen to lead the U.S. forces would not be appearing before the press or answering any questions about possible changes in war strategy.

“It’s a drone,” Morrell said. “It won’t be giving any press conferences.”

Praising the career and service of General McChrystal, Morrell said the decision was a difficult one for Secretary Gates to make, but that he had the full support of the Pentagon leadership.

“Secretary Gates made the decision after intense discussions with military leadership and in-depth analysis of the current state of the war effort,” Morrell said. “General McChrystal did an outstanding job in his time as commander in Afghanistan. It was just time, Secretary Gates thought, for a commander who was not human. Who was an aircraft of some type.”

Sammy, a puppet made of a large green and black sock with glued-on googly eyes, was introduced in a statement to the press as the new president.

“Sammy the Sock Puppet has been chosen to lead Afghanistan out of its current morass of corruption and ineptitude,” the unsigned statement read. “He has the vision and the experience to conquer the Taliban forces and return peace and stability to Afghanistan.”

The statement was written in English, adding to speculation that the United States had a hand in the coup. The U.S. recently expressed its unhappiness with corruption and voter fraud linked to Mr. Karzai during the recent presidential election.

But Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton said she is certain no one in the U.S. government had anything to do with Karzai’s ouster.

“What we know is that President Karzai was removed forcibly, early in the morning, and that he was replaced by this Sammy, who is apparently a sock puppet of some sort,” Mrs. Clinton said. “The United States had no prior knowledge of, and no involvement in, this coup. None, whatsoever. Sammy happens to be pro-Western, according to reports we’re getting and the little we know about him. But that has nothing to do with us. That’s his choice.”

Mrs. Clinton said the State Department’s main objective at this time is to limit violence during the fragile transition period, and to ensure the safety of President Karzai.

“Right now, we’re trying not to jump to any conclusions,” she said. “We have been attempting to make contact with members of the new government, the apparent new government. We’re concerned, first and foremost, that there not be any further violence, and that President Karzai remains safe.”

Many Afghans celebrated Mr. Karzai’s departure, saying they had lost faith in his ability to lead the country even before the tainted election. One Afghan man living near Kabul, who preferred to remain nameless for fear of reprisals by Karzai loyalists, said it is only fitting that Mr. Karzai, who many saw as a puppet of the United States, was replaced by a puppet.

“Karzai did what the Americans told him to do, and only that,” the man said. “The only difference between this new puppet and Karzai is that Karzai doesn’t have the googly eyes. Though I never saw him up close. But at least with this one, I don’t know him. There’s a chance for something better.”

“Well, it is that time of year again, loyal listeners, the Fall Fund Drive,” al-Zawahri said in the taped message, first broadcast on Al Jazeera television. “And this year, we need you more than ever. There are more terrorists groups vying for your attention and your donations than ever before. But al Qaeda was here before so many others. We have done the most to advance the jihad against the U.S. and its evil, imperialistic allies. In this topsy-turvy world, you need to know your terrorist group is in the global jihad for the long haul. And we are. Al Qaeda remains the most trusted name in coordinated terror attacks.”

According to al-Zawahri, people who make a donation of $25.00 or more will receive an “I Support al Qaeda” tote bag. For donations of $1,000 or more, donors will receive the remastered box set of all al Qaeda audio releases since its inception.

“In fact, because our mission is so important, we will even accept donations from infidels,” al-Zawahri said in concluding his segment on the first day of the campaign. “Just because you are going to burn in the eternal fires of hell doesn’t mean you can’t support our important efforts. You may even get a mug.”

An artist’s rendition of what Samuel Halevi, regarded as the first well-known evolution denier, might have looked like.

Samuel Halevi, a Jew living in Spain in the late 11th and early 12th century, was a scholar who wrote several essays examining many books of the Bible. Halevi believed the Book of Genesis was to be read literally, that the world was created in six 24-hour days by God. Halevi maintained that the creation of the world occurred in 3952 B.C., and that the Earth could not have existed before then.

“We know this to be true,” Halevi wrote. “We know it as one knows something without a doubt, such as the fact that they are a human being. We know that God created the Heavens and the Earth in a very busy six days, and on the seventh day, he rested. This is easy to understand, because it is logical and sensible. If I had spent six days creating the entire Heavens and the Earth, I would also rest.”

Alex Deck, the head archaeologist at Belief Discoveries, the team of Creationist archeologists that discovered the remains, could hardly contain his joy when reached by telephone.

“We are ecstatic about this find, absolutely,” Mr. Deck said. “Samuel Halevi is a monumental figure in the history of Creationism, and the discovery of his remains allows us to trace the history of Creationism farther back than ever before. Considering the world is only 6,000 years old, finding someone who lived in the 11th Century takes us almost half the way back to the very beginning of it all.”

Halevi lived from 1051 to 1127, and his essays analyzing various books of the Bible were widely read and debated. He is seen as a role model for today’s Creationists, specifically those practicing Young Earth Creationism, who take the Hebrew text of Genesis as a literal account of the world’s creation.

“He set the stage for all of us that followed him,” Deck continued. “He was hugely important. Without him, we may not have known children interacted peacefully with the dinosaurs near the Garden of Eden.”

Once the remains have been studied and cataloged, Mr. Deck hopes to display them in the Creation Museum, located in Petersburg, Kentucky. The museum currently has an exhibit showing Adam and Eve playing with their pet Stegosaurus.

Experts say a Giant Death Ray reportedly being constructed in an underground Syrian facility is not intended solely for telecommunications research. Above: an artists rendition of the machine.

“Often with these death rays, what we find is that they’re not meant for peaceful purposes,” said Arthur Bellinger, a nuclear arms expert at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. “The government in question might say it’s intended for fuel production or research or something along those lines. But most often, what we find is that death rays are meant to do one thing and one thing only, and that’s cause death.”

In an interview with a British television station, Mr. Assad said this particular case is different.

“Obviously, the issue becomes confusing because it is called a Giant Death Ray,” he said. “So perhaps more thought could have gone into the name, into how it would translate and so on. However, this is a different kind of Giant Death Ray. This Giant Death Ray is for research only, for discovering new ways to communicate. We all want new ways to communicate, don’t we? I think we do.”

Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton expressed doubts about the Syrian leader’s claims.

“We are skeptical, shall we say,” Mrs. Clinton said in a briefing with reporters at the State Department. “We are willing to give the benefit of the doubt when it is appropriate to do so. However, we are suspicious that something called a Giant Death Ray would not have as its sole purpose telecommunications research. Something just doesn’t feel right about it. We think there might be something more going on here.”

“You know, I told them, my friends, do not call this ‘Giant Death Ray,’” Mr. Assad said when told of Mrs. Clinton’s statement. “Call it ‘Giant Telecommunications Tower.’ That way, there is less confusion. But they did not listen to me, and now we have this situation. The world thinks we have a nefarious purpose in building this device, simply because it is called a Giant Death Ray, and looks like a giant ray that can cause death. It’s unfortunate.”

U.S. officials were quick to respond. Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton issued a statement which read, in part, “This ludicrous demand by the government of Iran is just another example of the fact that while the United States continues to work in good faith towards honest, open discussion, the Iranian government keeps throwing obstacles in the path of progress and understanding.”

Mrs. Clinton went on to say that she would never sanction a meeting in which representatives of the United States could potentially become dehydrated due to a lack of liquids.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad also chimed in later in the day. In a statement of his own, he said, “The Americans should not only not get anything cold or delicious to drink, they should instead get small glasses filled with sand. This way, if they get the urge to take a drink, they wind up making themselves more thirsty and desperate for liquids which are not forthcoming. It is what they deserve for decades of forcing the rest of the world to drink their vile concoction of imperialism, hedonism and villainy.”

The payment, a bundle of warnings and outraged exclamations, fell just short of its intended target, an uninhabited island in an undisclosed area of the world. The payload of rhetoric sank into the ocean, according to Pentagon Press Secretary Geoff Morrell.

Pentagon Press Secretary Geoff Morrell gestures during a press conference announcing the test launch of long-range rhetoric on the part of the United States.

“The rhetoric very nearly hit its intended target, but missed by several hundred yards,” Mr. Morrell said. “A reconnaissance team is currently attempting to recover whatever remains of the payload. I’m happy to announce the team has already recovered one indignant outburst and one unsupported warning. So that’s great work.”

The rhetoric, said Mr. Morrell, was meant to intimidate North Korea’s leadership into halting its nuclear tests, which have set South Korea and much of the rest of the world on edge.

“We were hoping to persuade the North Korean government that there are consequences to this type of behavior,” Mr. Morrell said. “These are harsh words, some of them with a fair amount of passion and interesting word choice. And even though, in this case, the rhetoric sank into the ocean, the gesture was still there. And hopefully that gets across to the North Korean leadership – from under the water – the message that, ‘Yeah, we can reach you with this stuff. These words can get all the way to you. So watch out.’”

Mr. Morrell said there was no date set for another launch attempt. “We’ll have to see when we might be able to collect that number of statements from the current political personalities,” he said. “We’re hoping to do it before, you know, before they blow us up! Ha! No. Just kidding. We’ll do it soon.”

Mr. Morrell would not confirm rumors of a Pentagon plan to test-fire short-range invective in the near future.

Guards escort a shackled prisoner at the military prison at the Guantanamo Bay Naval Base. The prison is set to close in January of 2010.

There has been a heated debate in recent days over the issue of relocating the detainees following the prison’s closure. Democrats this week refused to grant funds to close the camp until the White House offers a concrete plan for transferring the detainees. Nazirr says he can help solve this problem.

“I’ll help out the U.S. on this,” he said through a fence to reporters standing outside the prison gates. “The Ramada Inn in Perryville, Maryland has plenty of rooms for all of us detainees. I’ve stayed there myself, when I was in the U.S. to study, many years ago. Before you decided I was an enemy combatant. Trust me, it will fit us all, no problem.”

Nazirr said because the Ramada Inn is affordable, it might end up saving the United States money.

“I bet you it’s cheaper than running Guantanamo Bay,” he said. “I bet you can get a good rate, too, if you get a whole bunch of rooms. I don’t want to tell you your business, but two to a room is probably a reasonable arrangement. So that’s 120 rooms. You’ll get an amazing rate. Maybe say it’s a wedding. I don’t know.”

Former Vice President Dick Cheney, told of Nazirr’s suggestion, scoffed and said, “I was thinking something more along the lines of Harry Reid’s house, if the prisoners were brought to America.”

Nazirr did not accept the improbability that U.S. lawmakers would allow prisoners from Guantanamo into the United States at all, let alone let them stay in a hotel.

“Why? What’s the big deal?” he asked. “The only difference between a maximum security prison and a Ramada is really the decor, when you really think about it.”

Nazzir pushed his idea even as he was taken back inside the prison. “I’m telling you,” he yelled. “Perryville. Fantastic.”

“The vice president first did it with President [Felipe] Calderon of Mexico, when he visited the White House earlier this year,” said a senior White House aide who attended several meetings between President Obama and leaders from other nations. The aide spoke on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to speak publicly about the meetings. “He said, when they were in the Oval Office, ‘President Calderon, how about you and me, a little mano e mano, huh? What do you say?’ And he put his arm on the president’s desk and bent down. ‘I bet I’ll have you saying “no mas” within 30 seconds.’”

The aide said that situation was quickly diffused by President Obama, who referred to the challenge as a joke. “And we thought he was done then,” the aide said, referring to Vice President Biden.

But this week, with President Hamid Karzai of Afghanistan and President Asif Ali Zardari of Pakistan in Washington for three-way talks with the president, the vice president was up to old tricks.

“When Karzai showed up, Biden said, ‘Hey, Mr. President, how about a quick match, huh?’,” recounted the aide. “And his arm was already on the table waiting. And he wiggled his fingers and raised his eyebrows. And Karzai just looked at him and smiled nervously. He didn’t know how to react. Nobody did.”

President Obama quickly and firmly steered the meeting back to the subject at hand, namely pushing back against Taliban forces in Pakistan and Afghanistan.

The president reportedly said, “Uh, Joe, as much as everyone would love to see you arm-wrestle President Karzai right now, and as fun as that would be, there are other matters to attend to. So why don’t you put your arm down and we’ll try to get this meeting started.”

“And Biden said, ‘Yeah, sure. No problem’ and put his arm down,” the aide added. “But then he threw in, ‘I also thumb-wrestle, if you prefer. Either way, I’m taking you you down.’ And President Obama glared at him and went back to leading the meeting.”

The aide said the situation worsened when Pakistani President Zardari joined the talks. Just after greeting Mr. Zardari, the aide said Mr. Biden grabbed for the leader’s arm. “He said, ‘Hey, lemme see that bicep.’ And he squeezed Zardari’s arm. And then he said, ‘Oh, I can take you, no problem. Let’s go right now.’ And he got down on his knees and put his arm up on the small side table nearby, and said, ‘Come on. Let’s go, Zardari. Let’s see what you got. Or are you chicken?’”

President Obama was then forced to remove Vice President Biden from the meeting, according to the aide. “Vice President Biden is not to be included in any of these meetings until further notice,” the aide said. The aide said Mr. Biden left the meeting willingly, and didn’t seem angry or hurt.

“He seemed to take it okay. He went down to the game room and played air hockey with one of the security guards. Last I heard, he was in there till two in the morning.”

The announcement is certain to spark controversy, as it comes on the heels of the release of several Justice Department memos detailing harsh interrogation tactics used by the CIA on detainees at several secret prisons.

Mr. Panetta said he was aware the decision would likely be unpopular in many circles. “But popular or unpopular isn’t the issue,” he said. “What matters is getting actionable intelligence from these suspected terrorists. And we’ve found in countless hours of first-hand experience that suspects give answers of much greater value when they’re quickly sinking to the bottom of the ocean. It just seems to do the trick.”

Mr. Panetta would not specify details of the underwater interrogations. But according to a senior official in the Central Intelligence Agency, the U.S. interrogators will wear oxygen tanks and wetsuits, while the suspect being questioned will wear nothing of the kind.

“Basically, it’ll be two or three CIA guys in their scuba gear surrounding this one suspect in just his orange jumpsuit, who’s handcuffed and tied to a large rock or some other heavy object,” the official said. “To keep him from floating up to the surface and potentially being able to breathe.”

The official, who spoke on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to discuss the matter publicly, said the difficulty for interrogators comes in the posing of the questions. “That part they have to do in the boat, up above the water. Then, when they’re sure the suspect has understood the question, someone says, ‘Go!’ and they push him overboard. Then the interrogators wearing the scuba gear drop themselves into the water and swim down to find out his response.”

As he floats down into ever-deeper waters, the suspect must decide whether or not he’s willing to answer the question asked of him.

“In the tests we’ve run, they usually decide to answer the question,” he said. “Sometimes they don’t, though, and then you gotta swim all the way down to the bottom and scoop them up. It’s a pain. They’re heavy, they’re full of the water they’ve ingested, and they’re tied to this rock. It’s no picnic getting all that weight back up to the boat.”

Bin Laden was apparently motivated by recent reports of a U.S. need for added intelligence to aid its war effort in Afghanistan. The fatwa was issued using the social networking tool Twitter, and therefore was only 140 characters long, which is the maximum allowed in a Twitter post, or “tweet.”

According to the intelligence official, who spoke on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to speak about the case publicly, Bin Laden’s fatwa read:

Any and all cooperation with the Zionist-Crusaders is forbidden.They are weak while we are strong. Do not give in to the trickery of the inf

It is assumed that “inf” was intended to be the word “infidels,” and that bin Laden did not realize he had already exceeded the 140-character limit.

Bin Laden’s Twitter profile page has been blocked from public view by U.S. intelligence. According the official, bin Laden’s username was OBL111. He had posted no other “tweets,” and offered no picture or other identifying personal information on his profile page. Twitter allows users to “follow” other users’ updates, and be followed by users interested in their own updates. Bin Laden was apparently following Barack Obama and Leo Laporte.

“These tapes will no longer be able to harm this great country, and that is due to the bravery and dedication of the men and women of this agency,” Mr. Goss said. “They did the hard work necessary to put down this threat. Namely, they pulled that plastic thingee back and ripped the tape out of the case thing.”

Diane Feinstein, chair of the Intelligence Committee, asked Goss, “Your contention, Mr. Goss, is that that these tapes were not destroyed to prevent people seeing the types of interrogations that were going on, but that it was some kind of protective measure? Is that right?”

“That’s exactly right,” Mr. Goss replied. “Now, I know it may seem like these tapes were destroyed because of what was on them. I see how that might be inferred, given that all the tapes that were destroyed contained video documentation of interrogations. But that is just so not the case. It couldn’t be further from the case. It’s, like, incredibly different than what the case actually is. And that is that these tapes posed a threat to this nation, and that, luckily, that threat was snuffed out and crushed to dust by the brave agents of the Central Intelligence Agency.”

“What damage might the tapes have done, Sir?” Feinstein asked.

“That information is classified,” Mr. Goss said.

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In secret lab tests, anthrax spores could not sustain life in the presence of Vice President Dick Cheney.

“He just happened to be down there, below ground,” said Michael W. Bannister, one of the scientists from the National Institutes of Health who is administering the tests. “I’m not sure why, exactly. But we thought we saw him moving around in the shadows. And then he just came in the lab and asked if he could observe the testing. And suddenly these spores just started going crazy, and then abruptly died. We looked at each other and didn’t really know if we should believe it at first. But it was obvious: it was because the vice president was standing there.”

An aide to Mr. Cheney, speaking on the condition of anonymity, agreed with the assessment of Mr. Cheney’s power. “Well, see, now people might understand a little better that there’s no one else who can do what he can do,” the aide said. “You know how he shot his friend in the face that time when he was hunting? Well, that was because he was so inexperienced with the gun. Because he doesn’t have to use it. He doesn’t need a gun to kill deer, or ducks, or whatever it is. That’s what people didn’t understand about that whole thing. All he has to do is get close enough to them where they sense or feel his presence, and they just keel over and die. It’s amazing. And it doesn’t matter what kind of animal. Bears, lions, you name it. I mean, birds just dropping out of the sky. So I’m not surprised by the spore thing at all.”

The testing came about due to increased interest in anthrax infection and its effects, following the suicide last week of Bruce E. Ivins, a scientist at the U.S. Army Medical Research Institute of Infectious Diseases, whom the FBI claim they were on the verge of indicting in the 2001 anthrax letters case. Senior members of the Bush administration ordered the tests Monday, to try to get a better handle on the science behind anthrax infections.

President Bush tried Tuesday to explain the testing, and why it was kept secret until being reported on by several news agencies. “Our number one goal is to protect the American people,” Mr. Bush said. “And we know now that these spores are dangerous. They’re very dangerous. They might look like they can’t do any harm. They’re just chocolate and marshmallows and graham crackers. They’re a tasty treat. How could that be dangerous? Well, I’m telling you now: don’t be fooled by the tastiness. They’re very, very dangerous, and they’re not to be toyed with.”

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Senator John McCain piloting the F-18 Hornet he used to single-handedly invade Iran.

McCain, a Navy fighter pilot in the Vietnam War, said he “was just sick of waiting around” and decided to take on the invasion himself. No other U.S. military personnel participated in the invasion, and it was “wholly unauthorized,” according to a statement released by the U.S. Navy. The statement went on, “Neither the United States Navy nor any other branch of the U.S. military ordered this invasion, which was solely the work of Senator McCain. We cannot speak to what Senator McCain was thinking in undertaking such a mission, but we feel fortunate that he did no substantial damage and caused no serious injuries. Except for the camel, of course.”

McCain dropped bombs on what he thought were two “targets.” The first was what he thought was a newly constructed nuclear reactor, and the second was the home of Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. In fact, McCain had dropped the first set of bombs into the cluster of camels, then somehow circled around and dropped the second set of bombs on the camels again. Reports indicate the same camel was injured both times.

“I think I definitely hit Ahmadinejad’s house, though I can’t be sure,” McCain said. “Visibility was pretty low, but that was mainly because the goggles fell down into my mouth and then my eyes teared up. So I just started dropping those suckers. But I was near his house, I think. I was near something. Something that seemed like a house. And the first target was definitely a nuclear reactor of some kind, that I could tell was being constructed. And that one, I blew to smithereens.”

Reporters told McCain he had only wounded a camel, twice, and that no worthwhile military targets were hit or were even nearby. They showed him a copy of the Navy statement.

“A camel?” McCain asked in disbelief, after reading the statement. “No, no. That was no camel, my friends. One target was a nuclear reactor, and the other was a house that I believe one outspoken Iranian president lives in. Or at least…used to live in.” McCain then chuckled.