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The National Protrusion.com

CIA to Begin Underwater-Only Interrogations

CIA Director Leon E. Panetta announced today that the agency will begin underwater-only interrogations of suspected terrorists in U.S. custody, in the hope of “gleaning information we would not be able to obtain if the suspect were above sea level.”

Bin Laden Tweets 140-Character Fatwa

The fatwa was issued using the social networking tool Twitter, and therefore was only 140 characters long, which is the maximum allowed in a Twitter post, or “tweet.”

CIA: U.S. No Longer Under Threat From VHS Tapes

Former Director of the Central Intelligence Agency Porter Goss said today that because of the agency’s efforts, the United States was “no longer under threat from VHS tapes or any other form of analog media.”

In Lab Tests, Anthrax Spores Die When Exposed to Cheney

In secret tests conducted in an underground laboratory, the mere presence of Vice President Dick Cheney rendered anthrax spores incapable of sustaining life.

McCain Invades Iran Himself

Presumptive Republican presidential candidate John McCain flew an F-18 Hornet into Iranian airspace today and dropped several 2,000 lb. bombs on what he thought were important military targets. The bombs were actually dropped into a cluster of camels in an otherwise abandoned stretch of desert.

Bush Tries to Shore Up Legacy by Performing Piccolo Concerts

This new tactic was first unveiled Wednesday, during a meeting with German Chancellor Angela Merkel.

Report: Administration Misled in Run-up to Lying

A Senate panel’s report says the Bush administration misled Americans in the run-up to the lying to Americans that took place shortly thereafter.

New DOJ Memo Gives Bush Authority to Torture Harry Reid

A legal memo written by the Acting Assistant Attorney General for the Office of Legal Counsel at the Department of Justice, appears to grant President Bush authority to torture Senate majority leader Harry Reid in several ways.

Bush Calls for Creation of New Greenhouse Gases

President Bush proposed $3.2 billion in emergency supplemental funds to go towards the creation of new, more sustainable greenhouse gases.

Gonzales Urges Local Subway to Implement Enhanced Sandwich-Making Techniques

Gonzales said the techniques would “greatly increase the rate and success of sandwich-making.”