Gonzales Urges Local Subway to Implement Enhanced Sandwich-Making Techniques
Gonzales said the techniques would “greatly increase the rate and success of sandwich-making.”
McCain Vows to Defeat Nazis and Japanese in Iraq
McCain only furthered suspicion that he might not be as certain of the realities of the ethnic and religious divisions within Iraq and the greater Middle East.
Chinese Govt. to Add Caning Competition to Olympic Games
The Caning Competition will pit international competitors against one another to see who can cane, whip or flog a political protester the most times in thirty seconds.
Al Qaeda Would Love Your E-mails to Remain Private
by Michael B. Mukasey
CIA Inadvertently Destroys Two Senators
General Michael V. Hayden, director of the Central Intelligence Agency, testified on Capitol Hill today that the CIA “inadvertently destroyed two senators” who were at the agency’s headquarters in Langley, Virginia to hold a meeting with him.
Bush Asks History to Preemptively Pardon Him
President Bush made a public plea today for History to preemptively pardon him from any negative judgments that might be leveled against him in the future.
Bin Laden: You Will Pay for The Terrible ‘Garfield’ from Last Monday
In a purported Osama Bin Laden audio message, the Al Qaeda leader vows to enact revenge upon the West for publication of a “horribly unfunny and unoriginal” Garfield comic strip from Monday, March 10.
Cheney Embarks on Target-Finding Mission
Vice President Cheney began his tour of potential bombing targets in Montreal today.
U.S. to Stay on Offense Against Terror Until War is Won, or Until It Gets Very Tired
President Bush said today that the United States will stay “on the offensive against the terrorists and terror networks across the globe, right up until it gets really exhausting for us. Then, we’ll give it a rest.”
Navy Shoots Down Errant Butterfly
Military officials said today that the United States Navy’s shootdown of an errant butterfly was a “complete success.”
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