Chertoff Warns of Al Qaeda’s Increased Loveliness
“I personally have never seen them look this fetching,” Chertoff said.
Detainee’s High-Value Status Doesn’t Prevent Him From Being Beaten While Naked
Mohammed Nazir Bin Lep, one of 14 high-value terrorists in U.S. custody, is left wondering these days what it is exactly that his high value gets him.
FBI Almost Certain Bin Laden Not Hiding in FBI Building
Robert S. Mueller III, Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigations, announced today that the FBI is, “At long last, and after much back-breaking effort, reasonably certain that Osama Bin Laden is nowhere within FBI Headquarters.”
White House Proposes Immediate Withdrawal From Responsibility
White House Press Secretary Dana Perino announced a White House proposal today that would entail, “an immediate and total withdrawal from all responsibility for the problems the country faces.”
Terrorist Disappointed His Amazon.com Search for Cesium-137 Returns No Results
A young terrorist said he is, “Disappointed and surprised,” that popular online retailer Amazon.com does not return a single listing for cesium-137.
Ahmadinejad Demands U.S. Give Him Moist Piece of Cake
Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad demanded in a speech today that he receive, from the United States, “The most moist piece of cake that there is.”
White House: We Don’t Torture, Unless by Torture You Mean Drowning, Beating to Death with Sticks or Suffocation
White House Press Secretary Dana Perino reiterated her assertion today that the United States does not torture detainees in its custody.
Moveon.org Kills 17 U.S. Troops
“We hate the soldiers, and freedom, and the American way of life,” a statement released by Moveon.org said.
Top General: I Don’t Know About the Troops, But The Surge in My Pants is Working Like Gangbusters
A top U.S. General in Iraq testified that he does know for a fact that the surge occurring in his pants is achieving its desired results, and then some.
Report: Jesus Christ, A Lot of People Want to Kill Us
Washington – A report released today by the National Intelligence Estimation Committee of Oversight of Intelligence Estimation claims that more people than previously thought want, “All Americans wiped off the face of the Earth. Even Native Americans.”
The report cited the continued threat of Al Qaeda, both Al Qaeda Classic, the type which attacked the United [...]
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