Cheney Embarks on Target-Finding Mission
March 20, 2008
Montreal, Canada – Vice President Cheney began his tour of potential bombing targets in Montreal today, and will then continue with stops in several European cities, sites throughout the Middle East and Asia, and then back to South America, Central America and several U.S. cities which have large percentages of Democratic voters. The trip is said to be “like a fact-finding trip, but for places to bomb.”
“Vice President Cheney began what is sure to be a very full, very pleasant trip to various destinations around the world,” White House Press Secretary Dana Perino said in a briefing for reporters at the White House. “He hopes to discover many potentially exciting targets for future bombings, which were previously unknown to us. For instance, he and his team have already discovered a swath just outside Montreal that would look particularly interesting in flames, especially on television. So this has been a very productive first day.”
Though the U.S. is engaged in long-term military commitments in both Iraq and Afghanistan, Bush administration officials are constantly on the lookout for new and interesting targets for the many bombs and missiles the U.S. has developed. For that reason, Cheney said, he didn’t exclude Iraq or Afghanistan from his search.
“Well, you never know whether there’s a choice spot you may have missed, that you may not have bombed yet,” Cheney said. “So even though we’ve bombed a pretty significant portion of both of those countries, I didn’t want to leave anything to chance, and then reach a point later on where I kick myself and say, ‘Ah, geez. I could have gotten that one.’”
The Vice President acknowledged being under a bit of a time crunch, as he and President Bush have less than a year remaining in their second and final term in office. “We’re going to be in kind of a whirlwind kind of state, you might say,” Cheney admitted. “We’re going to go through, investigate these spots as best we can, and as quickly as we can, and then hopefully we’ll have enough time once we get back to, you know, to bomb one or more of them.”
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Mr. VP, maybe you’re setting your sights too low when you should be thinking outside the box. What’s a few cluster bombs here, a couple of bunker busters there, and maybe the odd nuke now and then, compared to what a real master villain would have in mind, not that I think there’s anything wrong with this mind you? Don’t waste your time asking yourself “what would Jesus do” but rather “what would Lex Luthor do”?
That dude rocks and really gets it, and if that brat Superman wasn’t such a pest our solar system would be down to 7 planets by now (I already deducted Pluto since it was voted out, which is a bummer ‘cause I really dug that little sucker).
I truly empathize with you Mr. Vice President of Mass Destruction, with so much left unexploded and so little time left to detonate the remaining widely dispersed little pockets of good on the surface of our planet. This condition is intolerable. If you offered me a cabinet position as the Under Secretary of Devastation on your staff I believe I could help you finish off what Lex Luthor only dreamed of, and here’s a few teaser samples for you:
1. Let’s give NASA an offer they can’t refuse and get those do-gooders to do something really significant instead of shipping out those useless fly-bys and scattering those little WALL-E’s willy-nilly to stupid-ass planets that no one gives a shit about. You know how to do this; I’ve seen you do it lots of times. You call NASA’s big shot into your office, have one of your little “chats” with him, and when he leaves he’s singing your tune and extolling your virtues just like all the others. And of course there’s always that trademark big brown splotch in the seat of their pants stinking up the place as they slink away. I don’t know what you tell these guys, but I have a hunch it has something to do with their wives, children, and a newfound very real existential crisis in their lives (am I warm?).
You get him to hijack the next asteroid or comet that comes our way, put up some of those solar sails or a gravitational tug boat gizmo and drive that mother right into San Francisco Bay. Tell him not to waste his time on the little dudes drifting along up in the sky because if it doesn’t lead to planet-wide extinction he will really, really wish it had.
2. The next time you’re in the Oval Office with the Shrub, tell him you just saw someone breaking into his liquor cabinet in the West Wing, and when the little Mensa Man makes like Jesse Owens you grab his “football” (isn’t that a cute little name for the Armageddon brief case?) and push every goddamn button you can get your fat little fingers on before the Men In Black tackle you and the football, but it will be too late. See what I mean by doing the Lex Luthor?
3. The most lethal, and perhaps the most gratifying for you personally, would be the simplest. All you have to do is put on a disguise, see if you can wipe that sneer off your face for a couple of minutes or someone might make you, and go down to the local Red Cross and donate as much of that stuff in your veins as you can that passes for blood (my best guess is it’s anti-freeze). Then paste the sneer right back on and just watch the show when all those babies and trauma victims get an infusion from Lucifer himself. They’re all bad anyway, and you would only lose sleep if one of those pukes survived the ordeal, but I would find that highly unlikely.
So, got any cabinet openings yet?
Comment by Help Us All — December 1, 2008 @