That dude rocks and really gets it, and if that brat Superman wasn’t such a pest our solar system would be down to 7 planets by now (I already deducted Pluto since it was voted out, which is a bummer ‘cause I really dug that little sucker).

I truly empathize with you Mr. Vice President of Mass Destruction, with so much left unexploded and so little time left to detonate the remaining widely dispersed little pockets of good on the surface of our planet. This condition is intolerable. If you offered me a cabinet position as the Under Secretary of Devastation on your staff I believe I could help you finish off what Lex Luthor only dreamed of, and here’s a few teaser samples for you:

1. Let’s give NASA an offer they can’t refuse and get those do-gooders to do something really significant instead of shipping out those useless fly-bys and scattering those little WALL-E’s willy-nilly to stupid-ass planets that no one gives a shit about. You know how to do this; I’ve seen you do it lots of times. You call NASA’s big shot into your office, have one of your little “chats” with him, and when he leaves he’s singing your tune and extolling your virtues just like all the others. And of course there’s always that trademark big brown splotch in the seat of their pants stinking up the place as they slink away. I don’t know what you tell these guys, but I have a hunch it has something to do with their wives, children, and a newfound very real existential crisis in their lives (am I warm?).

You get him to hijack the next asteroid or comet that comes our way, put up some of those solar sails or a gravitational tug boat gizmo and drive that mother right into San Francisco Bay. Tell him not to waste his time on the little dudes drifting along up in the sky because if it doesn’t lead to planet-wide extinction he will really, really wish it had.

2. The next time you’re in the Oval Office with the Shrub, tell him you just saw someone breaking into his liquor cabinet in the West Wing, and when the little Mensa Man makes like Jesse Owens you grab his “football” (isn’t that a cute little name for the Armageddon brief case?) and push every goddamn button you can get your fat little fingers on before the Men In Black tackle you and the football, but it will be too late. See what I mean by doing the Lex Luthor?

3. The most lethal, and perhaps the most gratifying for you personally, would be the simplest. All you have to do is put on a disguise, see if you can wipe that sneer off your face for a couple of minutes or someone might make you, and go down to the local Red Cross and donate as much of that stuff in your veins as you can that passes for blood (my best guess is it’s anti-freeze). Then paste the sneer right back on and just watch the show when all those babies and trauma victims get an infusion from Lucifer himself. They’re all bad anyway, and you would only lose sleep if one of those pukes survived the ordeal, but I would find that highly unlikely.

So, got any cabinet openings yet?