January2005

The National Protrusion.com

Democrats Hunt for Balls

Democrats, meeting here Saturday for a fifth and final regional caucus to decide who might head their party, were forced to face a harsh reality: they have no balls.

Administration Confidence in Awe, Shock Still High

The Bush administration isn’t ready to give up on the nouns “awe” and “shock,” even while admitting the words have not lived up to initial administration expectations.

Bush Does Math in Press Conference; Universe Implodes

At approximately 10:50 A.M. Eastern Standard Time, the president began a sentence with the phrase, “As dictated by just math.”

Rice Searches Between Seat Cushions for Integrity

Asked when she remembered having her integrity last, Rice said she can clearly remember having it when she left the house March 20, 2003.

Joan Baez, Santana, CSN to Play Inaugural Love-Fest

Washington – Not since 1969 has such a spirit of openness been present in American society. Reflecting that spirit, several legendary performers will delight fans and protesters at the Inaugural of Love, a free concert to usher in President Bush’s second term, already being dubbed, “The Winter of Love.”
Santana, Joan Baez, Crosby, Stills & Nash [...]

Wal-Mart Employees Breathe Freely, Often Move at Will

Little Rock, Arkansas – Wal-Mart Stores, Inc. chief executive Lee Scott is out to bolster the image of the gigantic company, having launched a series of print ads intended to point up positive attributes of the chain.
“There are lots of positives. Restrooms, for example,” Scott said, speaking by phone. “We offer air, water, the freedom [...]

Brave President Boldly Confronts Class-Action Lawsuits, Saves Country

Leaving behind secondary concerns like the war in Iraq and a struggling economy, the president boldly stated that stopping class-action lawsuits is now his top priority.

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