Romney Vows Continued Handsomeness
In California ahead of a Republican debate at the Ronald Reagan Library, Mitt Romney said voters can rely on him, “To be unwavering in my handsomeness.”
White House Spokesman Has Recurring Dream of Chandelier Falling on Helen Thomas
White House Spokesman Tony Fratto admitted yesterday that he has a recurring dream in which a chandelier falls from the ceiling onto the head of veteran White House reporter Helen Thomas.
Congressman Tries to Sneak Through Bill Entitling Him to All of Nation’s Chocolate
Congressman Wally Herger attempted to sneak a bill through the House late last night which would have named him sole recipient of the nation’s entire supply of chocolate.
White House Proposes Immediate Withdrawal From Responsibility
White House Press Secretary Dana Perino announced a White House proposal today that would entail, “an immediate and total withdrawal from all responsibility for the problems the country faces.”
Bush Delivers State of the Union Address in Iambic Pentameter
President Bush delivered his final State of the Union address in iambic pentameter, a particular type of meter, used most often in poetry and drama.
Bush to Give Union Back to British
In his final State of the Union speech tonight, President Bush plans to say he’s returning the United States of America to the British.
Rumsfeld Holds Imaginary Press Conference in Basement
More and more lately, Former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld’s wife, Joyce, is finding her husband in the basement giving pretend press conferences to no one.
Many In Bush’s Cabinet Coming To Meetings Just For Pizza
President Bush was forced to chastise members of his cabinet today for showing up to meetings solely for the free pizza given out by the president, then making up excuses to leave.
Fred Thompson Admits He Died Several Months Ago
Fred Thompson ended his presidential campaign today, then admitted to reporters that he actually died several months ago, and had been, “going through the motions” ever since.
Bush Orders Destruction of Economy
President Bush addressed the nation tonight to say he had ordered the United States military to, “Strike the fluctuating, unreliable U.S. economy before it can do any more damage.”
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