October2009

The National Protrusion.com

Olympia Snowe Leaving ‘Gang of Six’ to Pursue Solo Career

A publicist for Senator Olympia Snowe of Maine confirmed that the senator is leaving the so-called ‘Gang of Six’ senators to pursue a career forming legislation outside the group.

Al Qaeda Begins Fall Fund Drive

Osama bin Laden’s notorious terrorist group Al Qaeda has begun its Fall Fund Drive, according to an audio message released by the group’s deputy, Ayman al-Zawahri, Tuesday. The Fund Drive typically includes round-the-clock audio programming where Al Qaeda members entreat listeners for donations to help maintain operations.

Wall Street Posts Strong Gains on Knowledge it Can Do Whatever the Fuck it Wants

The Dow Jones Industrial Average soared above 10,000 again Tuesday, chiefly on the strength of a report that Wall Street executives can do “basically anything they fucking want, whenever they fucking want.”

Study: Most Sick Americans Will be Dead by the Time Health Care Bill Passes

A study released Wednesday by the National Institutes of Health finds that an overwhelming majority of sick Americans will be dead by the time a health care bill passes, because they delayed doctor’s visits and other necessary medical procedures due to high medical care costs coupled with job losses and low incomes.

Creationist Archaeologists Uncover Remains of First Evolution-Denier

Creationist archaeologists are abuzz with the discovery of remains that appear to belong to the first person to write extensively about the necessity for a literal reading of the Bible’s Book of Genesis and its story of how the world was created.

Supreme Court Rules Altruism Unconstitutional

In a 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court ruled Monday that generosity, altruism and sacrifice violate the Constitution, specifically the Fourth Amendment’s protection from unreasonable searches and seizures.

Democrats, Republicans Confident They Can Get Something Awful to the President Soon

Showing true bipartisan spirit, Democrats and Republicans from both the House and the Senate say they’re ratcheting up a joint effort to deliver to President Barack Obama “some terrible, God-awful legislation” in a timely manner.