Edwards Slashes Clinton’s Tires

Webster City, Iowa - Presidential candidate John Edwards admitted today that he slashed the tires of rival candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton’s campaign bus early Tuesday morning, as it sat in a hotel parking lot here in Webster City. He said he hoped it would give him a leg up on the campaign trail.”I figured they would be that much farther behind us,” Edwards said. “You know, an hour long head start can make a big difference in a race like this.”

Clinton, for her part, said she found the action, “foolish and childish,” but said she would not seek to press charges. “John is a wonderful person, and I respect him very much,” Clinton said in a written statement. “He just needs to stay out of hotel parking lots in the wee hours of the morning. But don’t we all?”

Edwards said he made the decision to slash the tires just as he and his team were getting ready to leave the hotel and travel to their next destination. He and Clinton and their respective teams stayed overnight in the same hotel. “And I just saw an opportunity, you know,” Edwards said. “I ran to the Clinton bus, I pulled out my little Swiss Army knife, and I slashed the tires. And then I ran back to our bus and hopped on, screaming, ‘Go, go, go.’ But we couldn’t go because the driver was in the bathroom. So that was awkward.”

Senator Barack Obama’s campaign had no comment when asked about the incident. Obama has in recent days received criticism from the political right for not wearing his American flag lapel pin. Critics were outraged because the pin is a war hero, who fought tirelessly in both Afghanistan and Iraq, and saved the United States from countless terrorist attacks.