George W. Bush

George W. Bush is the 43rd President of the United States. Experts are still unsure how that's possible.

Bush Asks Obama if He Can Keep “Some of the Really Good Pens”

President Bush reportedly called President-elect Barack Obama today to ask if he would mind if Mr. Bush took “some of the really good pens - the nice, heavy ones, with the White House seal.”

Bush Unlikely to Get White House Security Deposit Back

President Bush said he was “very disappointed” to learn that he will likely not be receiving any of the $3,000 security deposit he put down when he took over the White House in January of 2001.

Bush to Nation: You Will All Be Poor by Friday

President Bush addressed the nation to tell the American people, “You will all be poor by Friday, Monday at the latest.”

Bush Asks NASA Engineers to Transport Him Back to 2002

President Bush asked the top NASA administrator if his team of engineers could “get me back to 2002, like maybe January.”

Bush Finally Reads Job Description

President Bush said he was “shocked” by the expectations of a United States president as outlined in the position’s job description.

Bush Tries to Shore Up Legacy by Performing Piccolo Concerts

This new tactic was first unveiled Wednesday, during a meeting with German Chancellor Angela Merkel.

Bush Wakes From ‘Crazy Dream’ Where He Was President For Seven and a Half Years

“It was so weird,” Mr. Bush said during an interview with a German newspaper, to be published next week.

Report: Administration Misled in Run-up to Lying

A Senate panel’s report says the Bush administration misled Americans in the run-up to the lying to Americans that took place shortly thereafter.

Bush Vows to Finish ‘She’s Come Undone’ by End of Term

President Bush vowed today to finish the Wally Lamb novel “She’s Come Undone” by the time he leaves office in January, 2009.

Thousands Offer to Return Stimulus Checks if Bush Will Leave Office Early

Bush, whose approval rating is the lowest in modern history, rejected the proposal during a brief exchange with reporters later in the day.

Barney Regularly Consulted on Foreign Policy Matters

Newly-released documents reveal that Barney, one of President Bush’s two dogs, has been regularly consulted on issues of foreign policy and international relations.

Bush Offers Nation Change from Floor of Car

President Bush said today that the nation could have the 52 cents he found on the floor of one of several armored limousines used for presidential travel.

Bush Calls for Creation of New Greenhouse Gases

President Bush proposed $3.2 billion in emergency supplemental funds to go towards the creation of new, more sustainable greenhouse gases.

Bush Asks History to Preemptively Pardon Him

President Bush made a public plea today for History to preemptively pardon him from any negative judgments that might be leveled against him in the future.

Bush Urges Nation to Wait for Rich Uncle to Call and Offer Large Cash Gift

Hoping to defend himself against criticism that his administration hasn’t done enough to help average Americans who are struggling financially, President Bush met with Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson and several other economic advisers at the White House today.

Study Finds Lifelong Link Between Bush, Flawed Intelligence

A Pentagon-sponsored study to be released Friday has found that President Bush has relied on deeply flawed intelligence since his birth.

U.S. to Stay on Offense Against Terror Until War is Won, or Until It Gets Very Tired

President Bush said today that the United States will stay “on the offensive against the terrorists and terror networks across the globe, right up until it gets really exhausting for us. Then, we’ll give it a rest.”

Bush’s Location Undisclosed to Bush

President Bush’s Secret Service detail did not inform him of his own location until after they had safely left that location.

Bush Announces Formation of Ends Justify The Ways and Means Committee

The main function of the new House committee will be to condone the actions undertaken by the executive branch by holding up their end goals as justification.

Department of Education Folded Into Department of Defense

President Bush today signed a bill which folds the Department of Education into the Department of Defense.

Bush to School Children: You’re All in Grave Danger

Visiting Whatman Elementary School to promote after-school literacy programs, President Bush warned the children there that they are in, “Grave, never-ending danger.”

Bush Delivers State of the Union Address in Iambic Pentameter

President Bush delivered his final State of the Union address in iambic pentameter, a particular type of meter, used most often in poetry and drama.

Bush to Give Union Back to British

In his final State of the Union speech tonight, President Bush plans to say he’s returning the United States of America to the British.

Many In Bush’s Cabinet Coming To Meetings Just For Pizza

President Bush was forced to chastise members of his cabinet today for showing up to meetings solely for the free pizza given out by the president, then making up excuses to leave.

Bush Orders Destruction of Economy

President Bush addressed the nation tonight to say he had ordered the United States military to, “Strike the fluctuating, unreliable U.S. economy before it can do any more damage.”

Bush Announces Plan to Nap For Remainder of Term

President Bush announced today that he would spend the remainder of his term taking a nap.

Bush: I Gave a Poor Child a Sandwich Once

President Bush this week said he doesn’t know how much more he can do for the nation’s poor children, being that he once gave a poor child a sandwich.

Bush Threatens Veto Unless Reid and Pelosi Can Guess How Many Fingers He’s Holding Up

President Bush threatened to veto a workplace health care bill proposed by leading Democrats Friday, unless those Democrats were able to guess how many fingers the president had held up behind his back.

President Attempts to Distract Country With Puppet Show

“My fellow Americans, tonight I bring you good news,” Bush said. He then reached under his desk and pulled out two puppets, one red, one blue.

Bush Has Eye on Legacy and That Plate of Delicious Cookies

Aides to the president say the internal battle is having an effect on Mr. Bush.

Citing Executive Privilege, Bush Avoids Dentist Appointment

Washington - The CEOs of several investment banking, insurance and financial services giants appeared before the House Financial Services Committee Thursday to testify about the state of their companies’ financial health. What the committee members heard were tales of desperation and hardship. Specifically, the CEOs testified that if things continued on their current course, they [...]

President to Outline Plan to Outline Plan

President Announces National Mediocre Spelling Week

President Continues to Excel at Vacation

Polls Show Bush Less Popular Than Death

Bush: Bolton Should Be Confirmed on Basis of Moustache Alone

Bush Told on Thursday What He Did Wednesday

Bush, Putin Make Out, Fight, Make Out

Bush: Killing Some Chinese Would Lower Gas Prices

President Bush made what many see as a radical proposal this weekend to curb rising oil prices, suggesting that the United States and other nations use their military to halve the Chinese population, thereby considerably reducing demand for oil.

President: Let’s Count Two Poor People As One

President Bush shocked a joint session of the South Carolina Legislature when he announced what he called “the solution” that will keep Social Security solvent.

President’s Approval Drops; Terror Alert Should Come Thursday

President Bush’s approval rating has dipped down to just 44%, the lowest of his presidency.

Abstinence-or-Bestiality Policy Proposed for Teens

In response to recent criticism of abstinence-only education programs, based on findings revealing that teens involved in the programs were engaging in anal and oral sex as a way to avoid losing their “virginity,” the Bush administration yesterday proposed the new Abstinence-Or-Bestiality plan, aimed at giving students another option.

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