Palin Pushes McCain Out of Campaign Plane

Philadelphia International Airport – Republican Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin is trying to explain why she pushed Republican Presidential nominee John McCain off Mr. McCain’s campaign plane early this morning. Governor Palin, who first said Mr. McCain “fell out of the plane somehow,” now claims that she did, in fact, push him out of the plane, but says her doing so was an accident.

At approximately 9:50 AM EST, while Senator McCain and Governor Palin were the only two passengers aboard the campaign plane, the main cabin’s door suddenly flew open, and Mr. McCain was hurtled into the air outside. He began plummeting to earth, surviving only because an escort plane was flying below the campaign plane and caught the senator’s fall. The crew aboard the escort plane retrieved Senator McCain from the plane’s roof, and then both the escort plane and the campaign plane landed safely at Philadelphia International Airport. A reporter for the Associated Press said he heard Senator McCain say “She pushed me out,” before being rushed to the hospital for examination.

Once confronted with Mr. McCain’s statement, Governor Palin, who first said Mr. McCain had fallen out of the plane of his own accord, admitted that she did in fact push him out of the plane. However, she says it was purely accidental.

“I guess I must have been walking by, and must have bumped him with my hips or something,” Palin explained to a group of reporters after deplaning. “Kind of cross-checked him, if you know hockey terminology there. But it was totally accidental.” Asked how the door to the plane had opened, Palin said, “Jeez, you know, I have no idea. Maybe Senator McCain hit it by mistake. Not sure there. Did he…did he say anything about that? No? Okay, good. I mean, you know, not good that he didn’t say anything. Just…good. You know. That he will speak soon. That’s always a good thing. When people can speak, where they couldn’t before. I’ve always thought that was great. But did the senator say anything else? About the…the thingee that happened? Any other details?”

Spokesman for the McCain campaign, Tucker Bounds, said that it would be at least a few hours before Mr. McCain was able to make any further comment. Asked if she realized the incident might seem suspicious, coming as it does on the heels of recent reports of Palin breaking with the McCain campaign and going out on her own, Palin scoffed. “I’ve seen some of those reports, and let me tell you, they’re just flat-out untrue,” Palin said. “Just a bunch of cockamamie baloney. I want nothing more than for John McCain to reach the White House as president. Now, does anyone know when he’s supposed to be able to talk? Like, are we talking an hour, a day, what?”

According to rules laid down by the Republican Party, Palin would not automatically become the party’s nominee, should Senator McCain be unable to serve as the nominee. It would go the Republican National Committee, who would have five days to come to a decision regarding a new nominee.

Told about this fact, Palin said, “What? What do you mean? I wouldn’t be the… Ha. Well, that’s all well and good. Because, as you know, I don’t want to be the nominee. I want to be second-in-command. That’s the job I was asked to do by Senator McCain, and it’s a job I intend to give my all to. Now, do any of you know which hospital Senator McCain was taken to? And the quickest route to get there?”