While I have no wish to further upset you in your time of anguish, I have to tell you that we must live near one another and shop at the same supermarket. I’m certain of this because I check the ingredients in all my purchases, and my ground beef came from the same lot, that is, unless your Cousin Glen and nephew each weighed over 600 pounds and made it to several markets. I hope you won’t take this the wrong way, but your family genetics are delicious, and I noticed a certain sweetness in those burgers that I have never tasted before, and they were simply out of this world!

So, where exactly do you and your immediate family members live? Just wondering.

Why just last week I was minding my own business, just eating what was supposed to be ground beef, when I almost choked to death on a chunk of something. When I recovered, I fished through the trash and read the label on the wrapper, only to discover that my cousin Glen and parts of my nephew Alfonzo were listed among the ingredients.

Before they went missing, they were last heard from while marching on the White House carrying signs saying “Impeach Cheney and Bush and Throw That Bastard Gonzo In The Slammer Along With Them!” I helped them make those signs!

It’s so sad.