The National Protrusion

By Samuel A. Alito, Jr.

You know, I thought that when I became a Supreme Court Justice I would find myself receiving a new kind of respect - maybe even a reverence, if I may be so bold. And in some ways, that’s been true. People do look on me with a certain reverence these days. Well, some people. There are, however, notable exceptions. Namely, my two “partners” on the Court, Justices Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas, both of whom, I’ve come to realize, are fat assholes.

You see, I realize that both Justice Scalia and Justice Thomas have served on the Supreme Court much longer than I have. And I realize that seniority brings with it a certain privilege. But I think I can honestly say I have given both men the respect they deserve and then some. But I do not believe that their seniority grants them the right to treat me with disrespect, which they have done on countless occasions.

For instance, beginning this spring, it became a tradition for the two justices to pin me up against the courthouse lockers following our conference sessions. Other times I would hear them snickering behind me in the hallway before one of the two yelled out, “Hey, Little Sammy!” or “Sammy A-light-o, why don’t you come over here and shed some a-light-o on this case for me?” Their immature bullying has taken several other forms as well, but you get the point.

I ask the two justices: Am I not a Supreme Court Justice, just as you are? What’s more, am I not a man? A man, and a human being? I hereby proclaim that I am a man, that I am a human being, and that I am, in fact, a Supreme Court Justice - just as the of you are. I’d like to think this makes me at least as deserving of common decency as the two of you, the two justices I have so greatly admired for so many years.

And by the way, though you may choose to call me “Little Sammy,” I’m taller than both of you fat assholes.

Washington - Over the past several weeks, White House Switchboard Chief Operator Mary Brontson says the switchboard has received up to a dozen prank calls a day from former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. “I know he may be unhappy about not being Attorney General any more, and maybe he’s lonely or doesn’t have much to do or something like that,” Mary said, “But we have work to do. Important calls to take. We can’t be tied up answering prank calls from Mr. Gonzales all day.”

Gonzales, who resigned as Attorney General in September of 2007 amid a growing scandal involving fired U.S. Justices, denies any involvement in the prank calls. “I have no idea what calls they’re talking about,” Gonzales said, when reached by telephone at his home. “I mean, I wasn’t even here most of today. I mean, I’m home now, but just before, I was out… buying lettuce. So there must be some kind of mistake.”

Contrary to Gonzales’s claims, however, at least 11 calls to the switchboard on Monday alone have been traced to the phone number listed as his home number. Brontson says each time she receives a call from Gonzales she hears a muted giggle, and then Gonzales hangs up. “It’s the same every time,” Brontson continued. “I mean, does he really think we don’t know it’s him? You know, I hate to say this, but I think maybe he’s just not that bright. I remember once when he was working as Attorney General he called the switchboard and ordered a pepperoni pizza and a bottle of diet coke. It took me a half hour to make him realize he had called the White House. And then he called an hour later and asked where his pizza was.”

Washington - Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said today that Democrats in the Senate will do their best from now on not to “make any noise or otherwise disturb hardworking Senate Republicans.” The pledge comes after several Senate Republicans complained about Democrats voicing opinions and otherwise making noise on the Senate floor.

“Today we, as a group of Democrats in the Senate, but also as a party in general, vow to learn that there’s a time and a place to make noise,” Reid said to reporters at the Capitol. He read from a prepared statement, and was surrounded by Charles E. Schumer of New York, and other prominent Senate Democrats. “And the Senate floor is not one of those places, and a Senate session is not one of those times. I know I myself have spoken in an audible voice on the Senate floor, sometimes even in opposition to a bill Senate Republicans were proposing. I can see the folly of my ways now, and I promise to never again obstruct the hard work of these patriotic American senators.”

Republicans responded favorably to the news of Reid’s promise. “I’m pleased with Senator Reid’s announcement,” said Mitch McConnell of Kentucky, the Senate minority leader. “I think it shows that these Democrats have finally come to their senses and finally learned that the Senate floor is not a place where they can go running around willy-nilly, stomping and throwing little tantrums and making all kinds of noise. There’s work being done. Adult work. And they need to let that work happen in an orderly, civilized, and most importantly, quiet fashion. And then when we’re done working, we’ll let them know how things were decided so they can go vote for or against whatever it is we’ve determined they should vote for or against.”

However, it appears not all Democrats have gotten Reid’s message. Senators Chris Dodd of Connecticut and Russ Feingold of Wisconsin have both vowed to do whatever they can to oppose the passage of the upcoming FISA bill.

Asked about these renegade Democrats, McConnell said, “Well, sometimes you just have to give them a timeout. You don’t like to do it, but sometimes it’s the only way. They may cry a little, they may say they hate you, but the next time, they don’t make the same mistake again. Next time they’re nice and quiet.”

USS Nimitz - Presumptive Republican presidential candidate John McCain flew an F-18 Hornet into Iranian airspace today and dropped several 2,000 lb. bombs on what he thought were important military targets. The bombs were actually dropped into a cluster of camels in an otherwise abandoned stretch of desert. One camel was reportedly wounded. McCain was not fired upon by Iranian air defense forces, presumably because he was nowhere near a significant target, and he returned to the USS Nimitz aircraft carrier at approximately 2PM Eastern Standard Time.

McCain, a Navy fighter pilot in the Vietnam War, said he “was just sick of waiting around” and decided to take on the invasion himself. No other U.S. military personnel participated in the invasion, and it was “wholly unauthorized,” according to a statement released by the U.S. Navy. The statement went on, “Neither the United States Navy nor any other branch of the U.S. military ordered this invasion, which was solely the work of Senator McCain. We cannot speak to what Senator McCain was thinking in undertaking such a mission, but we feel fortunate that he did no substantial damage and caused no serious injuries. Except for the camel, of course.”

McCain dropped bombs on what he thought were two “targets.” The first was what he thought was a newly constructed nuclear reactor, and the second was the home of Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. In fact, McCain had dropped the first set of bombs into the cluster of camels, then somehow circled around and dropped the second set of bombs on the camels again. Reports indicate the same camel was injured both times.

“I think I definitely hit Ahmadinejad’s house, though I can’t be sure,” McCain said. “Visibility was pretty low, but that was mainly because the goggles fell down into my mouth and then my eyes teared up. So I just started dropping those suckers. But I was near his house, I think. I was near something. Something that seemed like a house. And the first target was definitely a nuclear reactor of some kind, that I could tell was being constructed. And that one, I blew to smithereens.”

Reporters told McCain he had only wounded a camel, twice, and that no worthwhile military targets were hit or were even nearby. They showed him a copy of the Navy statement.

“A camel?” McCain asked in disbelief, after reading the statement. “No, no. That was no camel, my friends. One target was a nuclear reactor, and the other was a house that I believe one outspoken Iranian president lives in. Or at least…used to live in.” McCain then chuckled.

Minneapolis, MN - Presumptive Republican presidential nominee John McCain said today he “strongly opposes” a proposal made by John McCain regarding nuclear energy. McCain made a proposal Wednesday that the United States should invest in up to 45 new nuclear reactors by 2030. Today he said he opposes that proposal, though it was unclear if he was aware it was his proposal in the first place.

“This proposal is wrongheaded and is not a long-term solution of any kind to our energy problems,” McCain told reporters aboard his campaign bus. “I believe Senator McCain said yesterday that nuclear energy is safe and clean and therefore is a viable alternative to fossil fuels. But I haven’t seen enough evidence that the storage problems and the safety problems are all worked out. So I think it’s just a mistake to propose such a thing, at least at this point.”

When reporters pointed out that the “McCain” in question was actually him, Mr. McCain laughed, as if the reporters were playing some kind of joke. “Well, that’s an interesting way to look at it. I like your sense of humor,” McCain said. “That I am Senator McCain myself… That’s a funny way to look at it. But no, thankfully, it’s not true. And one of the reasons it’s not true is that I would never suggest something like this. So we’re just worlds apart, the Senator and myself.”

A reporter then showed McCain the front page of one of today’s newspapers, which had a picture of McCain next to the headline, “McCain Proposes U.S. Build New Nuclear Plants.”

“Uh huh, uh huh,” McCain said, nodding, looking at the article. “Yeah, well, there you go. It’s in print. What he proposed. So he can’t back away from it now.”

The reporter said, “No, no. That’s–That’s you in the picture, Senator. That’s you there.”

McCain looked at the reporter and laughed again. He said, “My good man, please. With all due respect, I am much more handsome than Senator McCain. I may not know everything, but I know that much.”

Washington - Senate lawmakers today passed a bill to update the FISA law, the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act of 1978. The bill contains an unusual amendment which grants Vice President Cheney unlimited use of every U.S. citizen’s cell phone. It also grants retroactive immunity to telecommunications companies, and allows the National Security Agency to listen in on Americans’ phone calls whenever there is a human being on either end of the call. The bill was sponsored by Sens. Kit Bond (R-MO) and Jay Rockefeller (D-WV), and passed by a vote of 68-29.

Asked about the bill’s odd amendment relating to Cheney, Rockefeller said, “Well, we needed to come up with a bill that the president would actually sign. And he’s given every indication, and so has the White House, that the only way he would sign it is if it contained the amendment that Cheney is granted access to every person’s cell phone. So we put it in. What can we do? I mean, look, he’s already listening anyway, you may as well just hand the guy the phone. What’s the big deal?”

Before the bill gets to President Bush, however, it will likely face opposition in the House of Representatives. Several Democrats have said they will do everything they can to block its passage, and some have threatened to filibuster. But Senate Majority leader Harry Reid says he hopes it doesn’t come to that. “I certainly hope they don’t filibuster,” Reid said. “I mean, the Republicans, they don’t like it when we make trouble. If we just go quietly along with what they say, they’re so much nicer to us. I love it when they’re like that. They joke around with me, treat me like a buddy. Slap my back and say hello. It’s so nice.”

President Bush said the bill’s passage is urgently needed to protect the nation from another terrorist attack. Speaking to reporters at the White House, Mr. Bush said, “This bill is vital for the protection of the people of this country. It contains provisions that allow us to do the things necessary to keep this country safe. And that includes the Vice President having access to your cell phone, if necessary. He will use that access to make sure you’re not calling an Al Qaeda member or some other radical terrorist or extremist. He may call some of the numbers, to make sure the person listed in your ‘contacts’ is actually the person they’re supposed to be, and not some impostor - some terrorist impostor intending to harm our great nation. And then, once he’s through, which shouldn’t be longer than a few days to a week at most, he’ll give the phone back. And don’t be surprised if all your information is erased, for example. Just know that whatever was done, it was done in the interest of our national security. Consider yourself a patriot. You’re a patriot, and your phone is a patriot, too. It gave of itself for our country. It gave that data. And that is the essence of patriotism. So, be proud of that phone. That little guy may have just saved your life. Tell it how thankful you are. Buy it a new case. Something soft and furry, that will keep it warm. You owe it that much.”

San Francisco, CA - Across California, dozens of same-sex couples took vows and married today, then immediately prepared for the invasion of straight couples’ homes. “Our mission is upon us, my people, at long last,” said the United Gay Army’s leader, Nathan T. Burke, to a crowd of screaming homosexuals. “Finally, after so much dreaming, our day has come. It is time to ruin all straight marriages!”

The United Gay Army plans to invade the homes of as many straight couples as they can, and wreak havoc, thereby doing permanent damage to the marriage of each straight couple. Mr. Burke, who today married his partner of over two decades, said the invasion was set to begin shortly after the last wedding reception ended in the San Francisco area, at approximately 1:00 AM Pacific Standard Time. “Some people are criticizing us for waiting until after the receptions have ended to start the invasion,” Mr. Burke pointed out. “They want us to get down to the ruination as soon as we can. But I’ve waited 23 years for this day. I can certainly wait a few more hours. I mean, I should at least get a conga line or two, for Christ’s sake. And, trust me, there’ll be plenty of time to invade afterwards. The straight people aren’t going anywhere. They’re all tucked under their tacky covers, in their sexually tense beds, waiting desperately for the morning light to break through the window.”

But as Mr. Burke and other members of the United Gay Army are aware, the June 15th ruling which allowed same-sex marriages to go forward in the state faces an uncertain future and a large collection of impassioned foes. “Yes, we’re aware there are many people and groups who are unhappy with this ruling,” Mr. Burke said. “Which is why, though we’re not rushing into things, we’re not dragging our feet, either. By tomorrow morning, many, many straight marriages will be ruined. I mean, even more than are ruined now. If that’s possible.”

Paris - During private meetings with European leaders this week, President Bush has apparently played the piccolo in small, private concerts, ostensibly as a way to shore up his legacy as president. This new tactic was first unveiled Wednesday, during a meeting with German Chancellor Angela Merkel. According to witnesses with knowledge of the meeting, Mrs. Merkel seemed more confused than impressed, remaining speechless for several minutes following Bush’s short concert.

Today Mr. Bush was in Paris for meetings with French President Nicolas Sarkozy. Asked about the performance for Mrs. Merkel, Bush said, “Well, I tried my best to impress her, and I think I did a pretty good job. I’ve been working on ‘Mary Had a Little Lamb’ for three years, and I think I finally got it to a place I’m pretty happy with. I was a little nervous, so some of the notes weren’t as sharp, probably, as they could have been. But I nailed the ‘Fleece was white as snow’ part. I could tell by her face she was shocked. By how beautiful and, and melodious it was. There was just shock all over her face.”

When asked if Mr. Bush’s assessment of her reaction to the performance was accurate, Mrs. Merkel said, through a translator, “Well, he’s correct that I was quite shocked. But I don’t think it was for the reason he thinks it was.”

Asked why he thought adding a musical performance to his meetings with foreign leaders would help improve his standing in the eyes of history, Mr. Bush said, “Well, I’m looking to make a statement, you know, as far as history goes, and I’m not… I mean, the statement I’ve made with the traditional stuff hasn’t been really as great as I would like. So I thought, ‘You know, what’s a good way to improve on it that doesn’t involve the usual stuff that presidents do?’ And I came up with this. I mean, why not think outside the box? That’s what I do. I’m never in the box. I’m always outside. Unless the box has good ideas in it. Then I jump back in. So it depends.”

Today, following a meeting between with Mr. Bush, Mr. Sarkozy was asked if Bush performed on the piccolo. Sarkozy nodded his head quickly, yes. Asked what he thought of the performance, Sarkozy said simply, “Merde.”

Washington - President Bush said he woke up this morning after having “this wild, crazy dream” where he was President of the United States for the last seven and a half years.

“It was so weird,” Mr. Bush said during an interview with a German newspaper, to be published next week. “I had all these people following me around, reporters, security guys–I guess, Secret Service or what have you. A bunch of people. I was meeting with foreign leaders, making big decisions. It was great. But it was wild. I mean, me - the President. You know? I mean, it’s just wild. To even think about that.”

The reporter attempted to point out to Mr. Bush that he has actually been the president, and that the fact that he had a dream about it didn’t mean it wasn’t true. “Oh, okay. Yeah,” Mr. Bush replied, smiling. “Right. I see what you’re doing. You’re trying to get me to go along, pull my leg as much as you can. Get me to go… Yeah. No, you’re good. You’re good. But, no. I know what’s real and what’s a dream, and this was most certainly a dream. A dream is something that could never happen in reality. And this is one of those things. I mean, have you seen my resume? I don’t see how a guy like me gets to be president. At least, not in this lifetime. But, no, it’s great to be able to dream about it. That’s what great about dreams. Anything’s possible in dreams. I love when I have those ones where I’m really tall. Because I’m not tall in real life. I love those.”

Later, White House Press Secretary Dana Perino explained that Mr. Bush was being examined for possible temporary confusion brought on by exhaustion and/or dehydration. “The president has had a rough travel schedule of late,” Perino explained in a press briefing at the White House. “And as such, it’s possible he’s suffered some effects from the physical exhaustion, and also possibly from dehydration. Obviously, the president knows he is, in fact, the president. But I have to tell you, I had a dream last night, too, where I was given the job of speaking for the White House–like, being the official voice of the White House. Even though I know next to nothing about American history or, or world politics in general or anything like that. Man, it was nuts. And so real. But anyway, what was I saying?”

Washington - Presumptive Republican presidential candidate John McCain today enlisted the services of Thomson and Thomson Consulting, a firm that specializes in lobbying Congress about the negatives of lobbying.

“We specialize in telling Congress the tough truth about lobbying and lobbyists,” said James K. Laymon, a spokesman for the group. “And that is that that the lobbying that goes on in Washington, D.C. perverts our process, incapacitates the average American, and does no less than soil our great democracy.” When asked about the apparent irony of a lobbying firm professing the evils of lobbying, Layman said, “What? I don’t think I heard you. What was that word you used? ‘I-ron-knee?’ Never heard of it. No idea what you’re talking about.”

For his part, Senator McCain sees no hypocrisy at play in his hiring of the firm, either. “I don’t see any hypocrisy or irony in it whatsoever,” McCain said while traveling on his campaign bus, the Straight Talk Express. “I am committed to ending the culture of catering to lobbies and special interests in Washington. And that is why I hired this firm, to go give some straight talk to Congress and let them know the truth about these lobbyists. And they know. Because they’re lobbyists. I can’t imagine a better qualification for the job. You want to have someone talk about how bad lobbyists are, who are you going to get? A nun? A schoolteacher? A longshoreman? No. You’re going to get a lobbyist. You guys are really complicating a very simple issue. I am anti-lobbyist, so I hired a lobbying firm to fight lobbyists. Where’s the confusion?”

Recently McCain has had to let go campaign members tied to lobbyists, and others in his campaign have had to end their relationships with lobbying firms in order to remain with the campaign. McCain addressed the perception that he is as tied to lobbyists as many in Washington politics. “I know lobbyists, yes, of course,” McCain said, chuckling. “But that doesn’t mean I like them or I work closely with them. I mean, yes, they were on my campaign, but that doesn’t mean I was close to them. I sat very far away from them at the lunch table. If you were there you would have seen. There was just, there were miles of space in between me and those guys. Really. Miles. So much space.”

Washington - A Senate panel this week released a report which says the Bush administration misled Americans in the run-up to the lying to Americans that took place shortly thereafter. “There is ample proof that members of the administration misled the American public prior to its future lying to that same American public,” the report states. “Then, after the lying there was another round of misleading, but that is the subject of a separate report. There’s only so much untruth we can analyze at one time.”

At the White House, Press Secretary Dana Perino attempted to defend the administration in the face of the new allegations, claiming the members of the administration were victims of faulty intelligence. “Well, I honestly don’t see what we’re being accused of by this panel,” Perino said. “If anyone was misled here, it was us. As we’ve said many times, we didn’t know the intelligence was wrong when we relied on it. And we relied on it for many different things, including the campaign of misleading and deceiving the American people that was developed in preparation for the later lying we would partake in. And we believed the intelligence to be true, when we started bending it to be not true. But we were fooled. We were taken for a ride. Do we feel betrayed? Yes, I guess you could say we do. We’re certainly equally as betrayed as the American people, if not more. But you don’t see us crying all over the place.” Perino added, “And anyway, since the facts were so untrue when we got them, how does this panel not know that when we bent them, we actually bent them to be true? Huh? What about that? Has Jay Rockefeller thought about that one? I doubt it. I really doubt it. And I would hope he’ll give us the credit we deserve when that fact comes to light, that this administration brings truth to the American people, even when we mean to bring them pure, unadulterated lies.”

President Bush also blamed faulty intelligence for any wrongdoing on the part of himself or anyone else in his administration. “Look, I’m not a Houdini or a…a David Coppertone. I rely on the intelligence that these guys give me when I start a campaign of deception and propagandizing and embellishment,” Bush said when asked about the report. “But I can only distort what’s given to me. I can’t distort what doesn’t exist. That’s not something I can do. I can’t pull intelligence out of thin air to start a campaign to mislead Americans with. I need something solid to deviate from and embellish and spin into propaganda. Without that, I’m lost. The propaganda version of the set of facts is only as good as the set of facts it starts with. Garbage in, garbage out. There’s nothing I can do about the garbage coming in. I can only hope to get awful good garbage going out. And that’s what I’ve tried to do every day on this job.”

Presumptive Republican nominee for president John McCain also came to the administration’s defense. Speaking to reporters aboard his campaign bus, McCain said, “Hey, I hate war as much as anyone else. More, in fact. I really hate it. Like, really, really. But it exists. It’s there. And sometimes we have to bend the truth or the intelligence we have to get there, to serve the greater good. And in this case, that’s exactly what we needed to do, and I applaud the administration for doing it. We could not allow the North Korean regime to continue its invasion of South Korea. That just could not stand. We had to step in, and if that required some spinning of intelligence, then I say so be it. And I’ll say that to President Truman personally, when I see him.”

Bristol, Virginia – Presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama admitted today that “in my spare time, I love to appease.” The statement came in response to questions regarding remarks President Bush made last month, which were seen as a thinly veiled swipe at Obama’s foreign policy proposals and an attempt to identify them as promoting appeasement of terrorists and rogue regimes.

“I just, yeah, I love to kick back, on a day off from campaigning or from Senate business or what have you, and just spend the day appeasing,” Obama told a small group of reporters following a campaign event. “And it doesn’t have to be a terrorist or anything like that. It can be anybody, really. The neighbor wants to borrow my hose from the backyard. Even if he doesn’t ask, I’ll make it easier for him. I’ll pull the hose out, get all the knots out of it for him. Some would call that foolish. I call it the perfect way to spend a Sunday.”

President Bush, told about Obama’s admission, said, “Well, there you go. I told you he loved to appease, and obviously he does. Obviously, I was right. And, you know, I think this goes a long way toward proving that a person with these kinds of notions might not be ready to run this country. I mean, someone wants to borrow my hose? At the ranch in Crawford? First of all, they’d better ask. Second of all, I’m going to say no. It’s my hose. You want a hose, go get one yourself. I got mine, you can get yours. Actually, my father bought mine for me, but still–It’s still mine. Everything he bought me is still mine, even though he bought it for me. I mean, he gave it to me, so it’s mine. It’s not his. It’s mine. Because he gave it to me. But–what was I saying? Oh, yeah. No, I say to whoever’s trying to use that hose, Get the hell away from my hose and go back to your own damn yard. That’s the opposite of appeasement. It’s anti-appeasement. It’s un-appeasing. Which is what I want. I want them to feel unappeased. And anyway this would never happen because we have the electrified fence that Bechtel built for us. No one’s getting in. Great fence. Awesome fence. And it only cost $5.5 million. They billed the government.”