Washington - Vice President Dick Cheney said today that he has no plans to leave his secret chamber, located somewhere within or near the White House, once Barack Obama begins his term as U.S. President in late January. “I will not be leaving,” Cheney said, when reached in the chamber by telephone. “And no one will make me leave. They couldn’t do that, even if they wanted to. There is one hidden door to the chamber, and only one other person knows of this door. And by the time Obama takes over, that person will be — Well, let’s just say they’re very…accident prone.”
Cheney’s secret cave-chamber is different from his now-infamous “undisclosed location,” which is an underground bunker located in Blue Ridge Summit, Pennsylvania. The chamber is stocked with vial upon vial of the life forces of hundreds of young children, which, along with the increased levels of oxygen in the chamber, help keep Cheney alive. This is part of the reason the Vice President is so resistant to the idea of leaving the chamber.
“First of all, they would never have even know I was in here, if you people in the damn press hadn’t uncovered it. I’ve been here since the Nixon administration. No one knew for decades. With the resources I’ve put in place here, I can stay for a hundred more years, perhaps longer. And mark my words, I will stay. No one will find this chamber. Not now, not ever.”
President Bush, told of Cheney’s plan, said, “Well, if he’s staying, I’m staying. I’ll stay in the playroom. In the back where the TVs and the games are. It’s only fair. If he gets a secret chamber thing, I should at least get the playroom.”
Phoenix, Arizona - In an unusual sacrificial ceremony, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin offered her husband Todd to GOP leaders in exchange for a political future within the party. “I give you my husband Todd,” Palin told the crowd of GOP leaders, mostly men in suits, some foaming at the mouth. “I give him to you in the hope that he will be seen as a worthy exchange for a place for me within your great party. I believe the exchange is more than fair. Todd is a healthy, athletic man, who is also a snowboarding champion. You’re getting a bargain, in my opinion.”
Governor Palin, whose political future is in doubt following Barack Obama’s victory in the presidential election, was hoping to cement a future within the Republican party, where many consider her a star. Some analysts also believe she may have offered her husband as a way of atoning for what amounted to her negative strain on the party’s ticket.
Todd Palin could not object to the offer by his wife, as he was tied to a spit and gagged. He seemed agitated and flailed about continuously while his wife spoke to the crowd. Off to the side of the podium where Governor Palin stood, a GOP staffer was readying a fire.
“So take him now, great GOP members,” she concluded. “And I ask you for a seat at your table. It’s a great table, and one that, if you accept my offer, my husband will be on top of very soon.”
Washington - President Bush reportedly called President-elect Barack Obama today to ask if he would mind if Mr. Bush took “some of the really good pens - the nice, heavy ones, with the White House seal.” Mr. Bush told Senator Obama that he knows the tradition is for the pens to stay in the Oval Office for the next president, but Mr. Bush was hoping Mr. Obama would make an exception.
“I just tried to appeal to his generous side,” Mr. Bush told reporters following the phone call to Senator Obama. “And he was very generous. He told me I could take as many as I want. I mean, that’s awfully nice of him, but he might change his mind when he sees these pens. They’re absolutely fantastic. They probably write awfully good, too. I haven’t tried writing with them.”
Ann Arbor, Michigan - Experts at the University of Michigan’s Department of Political Science are furiously trying to figure out how the United States elected an intelligent man, Barack Obama, to be the 44th president of the country. Several theories have been put forward, but none of them has taken hold.
“It just doesn’t make any sense,” said Herman Obsterburger, a political scientist at the university studying the possible reasons for the shocking election result. “This is a country where George W. Bush was elected to two terms, where voters just passed measures banning gay marriage, where Country Music is popular. How could that country have elected this man? It’s a puzzle for all time, I think.”
Jeremy Montross, a stupid person from Michigan, was disappointed with the outcome of the election. “You know, I thought maybe we could pull it out again this year, us Stupids,” Montross said. “I mean, Palin, she was Stupid gold. She’s a Stupid’s Michael Jordan. But we still couldn’t get the win. I don’t know. Maybe people actually want Smart this time. But I really can’t bring myself to believe that’s possible. At least, I hope it’s not. Otherwise I just don’t understand this country anymore.”
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania - The campaign of Arizona Senator John McCain announced today that it had purchased three seconds of air time on the Food Network, during which time it will air an ad for the senator’s campaign. Mr. McCain’s campaign hopes to counter Barack Obama’s thirty minute ad which aired Wednesday night on several networks simultaneously. McCain’s three-second ad will air at 1 AM EST on Friday night.
The short length and less than ideal time slot were all the McCain campaign could afford, according to chief strategist Steve Schmidt. “We’re a bit strapped right now, it’s true,” said Schmidt. “But you know what? We’re going to make the most out of these three seconds. It’s going to feel like almost five seconds, with all the stuff we’re packing in there.”
Schmidt refused to reveal many details about the ad, but did say it will most likely feature Senator McCain holding a sign rather than reading any text aloud, as there would probably not be enough time for any ideas to be expressed verbally. “We are going to show the American people that John McCain is the smart choice in this election,” Schmidt said. “That he has the experience, the know-how and the courage to lead this nation. And that Barack Obama does not have the necessary experience. We’re going to say all that in three seconds, and we’re going to do it without fancy video editing or cinematography. All we need are some magic markers, some construction paper, and some great ideas for this nation.”
Philadelphia International Airport - Republican Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin is trying to explain why she pushed Republican Presidential nominee John McCain off Mr. McCain’s campaign plane early this morning. Governor Palin, who first said Mr. McCain “fell out of the plane somehow,” now claims that she did, in fact, push him out of the plane, but says her doing so was an accident.
At approximately 9:50 AM EST, while Senator McCain and Governor Palin were the only two passengers aboard the campaign plane, the main cabin’s door suddenly flew open, and Mr. McCain was hurtled into the air outside. He began plummeting to earth, surviving only because an escort plane was flying below the campaign plane and caught the senator’s fall. The crew aboard the escort plane retrieved Senator McCain from the plane’s roof, and then both the escort plane and the campaign plane landed safely at Philadelphia International Airport. A reporter for the Associated Press said he heard Senator McCain say “She pushed me out,” before being rushed to the hospital for examination. [keep reading the goodness…]
In this excerpt from Wednesday’s show, The Mack Truck investigates the real reason Barack Obama plans to leave the campaign trail. A transcript follows the jump.
Washington - President Bush said he was “very disappointed” to learn that he will likely not be receiving any of the $3,000 security deposit he put down when he took over the White House in January of 2001. Mr. Bush said he had not expected to have the entire amount of the deposit returned, but was shocked to learn he would likely be receiving nothing at all.
Hempstead, NY - The third and final debate between presidential candidates John McCain and Barack Obama abruptly ended when Senator McCain shocked the crowd in attendance and those watching at home, by suddenly picking up moderator Bob Schieffer of CBS News and hurling him at Senator Obama. A flailing Schieffer knocked Obama off his chair, and the two men fell to the ground. Obama sprang up, helped Schieffer to his feet and rather angrily asked McCain what it was he was doing. McCain giggled and chortled, muttering, “Gotcha,” over and over again. Mr. McCain was quickly escorted off the stage by campaign aides. A shaken but apparently unhurt Schieffer apologized to the crowd and pronounced the debate finished.
McCain spokesman Tucker Bounds was asked about the senator’s behavior. “You know, people said he was too timid in previous debates,” Bounds said. “Well, not tonight. This is how close to home the problems of the American people hit John McCain. He gets so angry, he picks up a legendary news anchor and hurls him at his opponent. That’s fire. That’s dedication.”
In this excerpt from The Henry “Mack Truck” Harvey Show, The Mack Truck talks about the recently released report on the so-called Troopergate scandal. Transcript below the jump.
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