Rumsfeld Holds Imaginary Press Conference in Basement
January 25, 2008
St. Michaels, MD – Former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld’s wife, Joyce, is growing dismayed these days. More and more lately, she’s finding her husband in the basement giving pretend press conferences to no one. “I mean, he wears the suit and everything,” Joyce said. “It’s frightening sometimes.”
Joyce says she has taken to spying on her husband, out of desperation and confusion. “I’ll listen down there, without him knowing,” she says. “And I’ll hear him say things like, ‘Well, Barbara, let me tell you that that question implies a premise that, by golly, I just simply refuse to agree with. And you bet your bippy if you ask me a hundred times, I’ll refuse to agree with it a hundred times, and then some.’ I guess he means Barbara Starr? The CNN reporter? She seems to come up a lot down there. In the… in the basement. Oh, God!”
Rumsfeld’s rise to international fame came in large part on the strength of his memorable performances in the many press conferences and briefings he held. Rumsfeld resigned in November of 2006, after a very rocky and much-maligned final few years as Defense Secretary. According to Joyce, he’s now trying to relive what was his highpoint, those famous press conferences.
Joyce played an audio tape she made without the knowledge of her husband. She says she normally wouldn’t betray his privacy in this manner, but is distraught and doesn’t know where to turn for help. On the tape, Rumsfeld can be heard taking mock questions.
“No, Jim, I don’t think it’s fair to say, and let me tell you why,” Rumsfeld says at one point, likely referring to NBC Pentagon correspondent Jim Miklaszewski. “Your question, on its face, presupposes a thesis which is illogical, though logical in its end result. And I am not inclined to support an illogical thesis, whether it looks logical at the beginning or looks logical at the end, or actually is logical or illogical, or not. Now, it’s just as simple as that.”
“See?” Joyce asks, seeming lost and looking desperately for an answer. “I have no idea what the hell he’s talking about. I mean, I didn’t then either, but at least there were actual people in the room back then.”
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Rummy Interviews Rummy…As He Always Did
Question: “Do Polls say people think old Rummy’s down to his last few marbles?”
Comment by Help Us All — May 25, 2009 @Answer: “Sure as sugar they do.”
Question: “Do I care?”
Answer: “Why should I, I’ve never been to Poland.”
Question: “Was it difficult being Secretary of Defensive (& Offensive) Comments?”
Answer: “Well of coarse it was. But you can’t uphold the Constitution 24/7 like I did, standing on my feet the whole time, which by the way was more of a stress-position than those wimpy little bitches at tropical Guantanamo ever had to endure, without accumulating a little bit of enhanced pride, which I have a lot of, if I do say so myself…which I do.”
Question: “Is it true that I spent a lot of time watching “best of” Auschwitz tapes and secret “destroyed” Gitmo videos I had my Pentagon Homies put together for me to stiffen my resolve for extracting truth from flesh, and to avoid those pesky side effects from Viagra?”
Answer: “That’s for me to know, and for you to subpoenis…uh, I mean subpoena.”
Question: “Do I know where a lot of skeletons are buried?”
Answer: “Let’s just say as to the missing emails, torture directives from my office, pieces of evidence and trinkets I’ve had pilfered from the Twin Towers, and stuff, I’ve taken the liberty of stashing the evidence a little East and West of D.C., somewhat outside of town yet a little bit inside, around and about Dick’s vaults and caves but not of them, so to speak. That’s clearly where you’ll find them.”
Question: “Any further questions?”
Answer: “No, I thought not. Thank you, me. You’re welcome, you.”