Governor Palin, whose political future is in doubt following Barack Obama’s victory in the presidential election, was hoping to cement a future within the Republican party, where many consider her a star. Some analysts also believe she may have offered her husband as a way of atoning for what amounted to her negative strain on the party’s ticket.

Todd Palin could not object to the offer by his wife, as he was tied to a spit and gagged. He seemed agitated and flailed about continuously while his wife spoke to the crowd. Off to the side of the podium where Governor Palin stood, a GOP staffer was readying a fire.

“So take him now, great GOP members,” she concluded. “And I ask you for a seat at your table. It’s a great table, and one that, if you accept my offer, my husband will be on top of very soon.”

“It just doesn’t make any sense,” said Herman Obsterburger, a political scientist at the university studying the possible reasons for the shocking election result. “This is a country where George W. Bush was elected to two terms, where voters just passed measures banning gay marriage, where Country Music is popular. How could that country have elected this man? It’s a puzzle for all time, I think.”

Jeremy Montross, a stupid person from Michigan, was disappointed with the outcome of the election. “You know, I thought maybe we could pull it out again this year, us Stupids,” Montross said. “I mean, Palin, she was Stupid gold. She’s a Stupid’s Michael Jordan. But we still couldn’t get the win. I don’t know. Maybe people actually want Smart this time. But I really can’t bring myself to believe that’s possible. At least, I hope it’s not. Otherwise I just don’t understand this country anymore.”

The short length and less than ideal time slot were all the McCain campaign could afford, according to chief strategist Steve Schmidt. “We’re a bit strapped right now, it’s true,” said Schmidt. “But you know what? We’re going to make the most out of these three seconds. It’s going to feel like almost five seconds, with all the stuff we’re packing in there.”

Schmidt refused to reveal many details about the ad, but did say it will most likely feature Senator McCain holding a sign rather than reading any text aloud, as there would probably not be enough time for any ideas to be expressed verbally. “We are going to show the American people that John McCain is the smart choice in this election,” Schmidt said. “That he has the experience, the know-how and the courage to lead this nation. And that Barack Obama does not have the necessary experience. We’re going to say all that in three seconds, and we’re going to do it without fancy video editing or cinematography. All we need are some magic markers, some construction paper, and some great ideas for this nation.”

Philadelphia International Airport – Republican Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin is trying to explain why she pushed Republican Presidential nominee John McCain off Mr. McCain’s campaign plane early this morning. Governor Palin, who first said Mr. McCain “fell out of the plane somehow,” now claims that she did, in fact, push him out of the plane, but says her doing so was an accident.

At approximately 9:50 AM EST, while Senator McCain and Governor Palin were the only two passengers aboard the campaign plane, the main cabin’s door suddenly flew open, and Mr. McCain was hurtled into the air outside. He began plummeting to earth, surviving only because an escort plane was flying below the campaign plane and caught the senator’s fall. The crew aboard the escort plane retrieved Senator McCain from the plane’s roof, and then both the escort plane and the campaign plane landed safely at Philadelphia International Airport. A reporter for the Associated Press said he heard Senator McCain say “She pushed me out,” before being rushed to the hospital for examination.

Once confronted with Mr. McCain’s statement, Governor Palin, who first said Mr. McCain had fallen out of the plane of his own accord, admitted that she did in fact push him out of the plane. However, she says it was purely accidental.

“I guess I must have been walking by, and must have bumped him with my hips or something,” Palin explained to a group of reporters after deplaning. “Kind of cross-checked him, if you know hockey terminology there. But it was totally accidental.” Asked how the door to the plane had opened, Palin said, “Jeez, you know, I have no idea. Maybe Senator McCain hit it by mistake. Not sure there. Did he…did he say anything about that? No? Okay, good. I mean, you know, not good that he didn’t say anything. Just…good. You know. That he will speak soon. That’s always a good thing. When people can speak, where they couldn’t before. I’ve always thought that was great. But did the senator say anything else? About the…the thingee that happened? Any other details?”

Spokesman for the McCain campaign, Tucker Bounds, said that it would be at least a few hours before Mr. McCain was able to make any further comment. Asked if she realized the incident might seem suspicious, coming as it does on the heels of recent reports of Palin breaking with the McCain campaign and going out on her own, Palin scoffed. “I’ve seen some of those reports, and let me tell you, they’re just flat-out untrue,” Palin said. “Just a bunch of cockamamie baloney. I want nothing more than for John McCain to reach the White House as president. Now, does anyone know when he’s supposed to be able to talk? Like, are we talking an hour, a day, what?”

According to rules laid down by the Republican Party, Palin would not automatically become the party’s nominee, should Senator McCain be unable to serve as the nominee. It would go the Republican National Committee, who would have five days to come to a decision regarding a new nominee.

Told about this fact, Palin said, “What? What do you mean? I wouldn’t be the… Ha. Well, that’s all well and good. Because, as you know, I don’t want to be the nominee. I want to be second-in-command. That’s the job I was asked to do by Senator McCain, and it’s a job I intend to give my all to. Now, do any of you know which hospital Senator McCain was taken to? And the quickest route to get there?”

“It happened before we realized it,” said a McCain staffer who wished to remain nameless. “Senator Obama was speaking, and I guess we were all watching him. And Senator McCain — he can be a stealthy little guy when he wants to be. He sort of drifted off the stage and somehow exited the auditorium. And then he must have walked down the hall and around the corner, and he ended up in the physics classroom. When we finally found him, he looked up at us and said, ‘The particles, my friends. It’s all about the particles.’ We took him back to the auditorium.”

Professor Arnold Kamsky, who was giving the lecture at the time Senator McCain wandered into the classroom, said the class was a make-up for one that had to be canceled in September. Professor Kansky said he didn’t know what to think when he saw Mr. McCain take a seat in the fifth row of the lecture hall.

“He was smiling, and he seemed very pleased to be there,” Mr. Kamsky said. “He listened attentively. I didn’t know if it was some kind of political thing or if he actually wanted to come see the lecture. But at one point he raised his hand and asked if the material would be on the exam.”

Steve Schmidt, the McCain campaign’s chief strategist, told reporters that the incident was not a case of Senator McCain losing his bearings or forgetting where he was. “He was tired, frankly, of listening to the same old empty rhetoric from Senator Obama,” Schmidt said. “So, being the maverick that he is, he went to the physics lecture and absorbed information that he thought would be helpful to the American people. Senator Obama talked a lot earlier in this campaign about how the president will have to be able to multitask. How about this for multitasking? John McCain can participate in a presidential debate and learn about physics at the same time. I don’t see Senator Obama doing that kind of thing.”

Senator McCain was asked what he learned in his short time in the classroom. He said, “Classroom? My friend, I don’t know if you noticed, but there was a debate going on tonight. A Senator Obama and an older gentlemen were debating in front of a crowd here. It was very exciting.”

“I was concerned, after one of the times where she seemed to be answering a question I hadn’t asked,” Couric said. “It didn’t seem possible that she would intentionally answer the question that way, knowing people would see it. So I stopped the interview, and I said, ‘Governor, are you aware that this is the actual interview? What we’re doing right now? That this isn’t a rehearsal?’ She said she was aware. And I said, ‘Okay. Just so you know it’s being recorded and parts of it will be broadcast.’ And then she said, ‘You can’t blink, Katie, because we share a narrow maritime border with Russia and it has to be all about job creation.’ I didn’t understand it, but we just went on with the interview. I was pressed for time.”

Ms. Couric said she became equally concerned during a session following a speech Governor Palin made, which preceded the second phase of the interview. Portions of that segment of Couric’s interview aired tonight on CBS and have spread quickly on the internet.

“In one part of the interview, I asked her what newspapers and magazines she read before being asked to be John McCain’s running mate,” Couric said. “And she couldn’t name any. So again, I turned to the crew and I said, ‘Hold it, guys,’ and I went to the Governor privately and said, ‘Governor Palin, did you not understand the question? I’m asking you to name some newspapers or magazines you read. You can’t come up with any? I’m just trying to make sure you’re clear and to give you a fair shake here.’ And she said, ‘Okay. Nightline? Is that a magazine?’ I said, ‘No, that’s a television show.’ She said, ‘What about Lou Dobbs? Isn’t that a newspaper?’ And I said, ‘No, that’s a man. Lou Dobbs is a man.’ And there wasn’t much more I could do. I’m not a miracle worker.”

Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin speaking in Scranton, Pennsylvania. Palin told the audience that the U.S. economy was in need of “a whole lot of cleanin’ and scrubbin’.”

Palin spoke generally about the economic crisis currently shaking Wall Street and the country. “This is just an awful mess of a situation,” Palin said. “It’s a doozy of a messerino. And this kind of mess requires a really good cleaner. And that’s what we are, me and John McCain. We’re the best scrubbers and cleaners there are. We’ll get in there and mop up the mess. Just soak it right up. Clean it all up nice and spiffy and get it good as new again. You betcha we will.”

Though all of the nearly 3,000 audience members were invited to the event, one woman in the audience, Sandra Middleton, told Palin she felt the need to ask her for more specifics, especially on the economy. “I mean, this is a serious situation,” Middleton said. “So, how exactly are you going to clean it up? You know, what is it specifically that you’re going to do?”

“Yah. Exactly,” Palin responded. “That’s exactly the question, huh? What exactly is going to be done to help me, to help the average American? Not some fat cat on Wall Street or some Washington insider who’s been gaming the system in the good-old-boy network. But me, the regular person. And that’s what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna put government back to work for you. The American people. Yah.”

“But how?” Middleton asked.

“Well, yah, the way I said,” Palin replied. “You know? We’ll go in and clean up the mess we got in there. On Wall Street. And in Washington, too. ‘Cause it’s not just Wall Street. It’s Washington. And that’s what we’ll do. We’ll clean it up. Soak it up. Get it good as new. Shiny and bright and clean, like America oughta be.”

Palin then turned to Senator McCain and said, “John, you want to weigh in on the lady’s question here?” But McCain was once again asleep. Palin’s question shook the senator from his slumber, as McCain shot up and said, “Herbert Hoover!”

Joe Biden announcing his decision to quit the race for the White House, as Barack Obama’s Vice Presidential candidate.

Several members of the visibly stunned crowd gasped audibly, and several yelled, “No!” Biden responded calmly, saying, “I know you’re disappointed. I am, too. But all I can see from my house is the Kozinsky’s yard, and their stupid dog, and that just isn’t good enough. Not in these troubled times.”

Senator Barack Obama, the head of the Democratic ticket, was saddened by Biden’s announcement. “I’ll miss Joe terribly, and I was honored to campaign with him,” Obama said. “But when you consider the fact that he can’t see Russia from Delaware, it’s hard to argue against his decision. It is almost an unspoken prerequisite for a vice president – Can I see Russia from my state? If the answer’s no, I think you do have to ask yourself how ready you are.”

Reporters pointed out to Biden his decades of foreign policy experience, his dealings with foreign heads of state, international politics and the like. Biden said none of that makes any difference. “Don’t you see?” Biden asked. “It just doesn’t matter. All that crap. The point is, can I see Russia or not? And the answer is, no I can’t. I tried. I stood on a chair in my kitchen and looked out the highest part of the window. I even went up on the roof. But no luck. When I came back in, I looked at Jill and I told her, ‘I can’t do this to the American people. They deserve better.’”

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John Edwards appearing on NBC Nightly News to attempt to explain an affair with former Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich in 2007.

Edwards, who revealed to ABC News last week that he had engaged in an affair with Ms. Hunter while she was filming web video spots for his campaign in 2006, said the affair with Kucinich occurred during the fall of 2007, when both were still candidates for president.

“We were seeing a lot of each other, during the debates and what have you,” Edwards said. “And it just…it was just undeniable, the attraction I felt for him. His commitment, his fire. His courage. And he’s shorter than me, which for some reason increased my attraction to him. I can’t really explain that. I just know it’s true.”

While Kucinich had no official comment, a letter apparently written from Edwards to Kucinich during the time of their affair was leaked to the press. The letter appears to imply that Kucinich put a halt to the affair, and that Edwards was forced to resign himself to that fact. The letter is signed “J.E.,” and Edwards has not denied being its author.

“Dennis, when I go to bed at night, I think of you, and you alone,” The note reads. “Not the poor people, not the Two Americas. You. When you speak of impeachment, my heart can’t hold itself back. I know you’ve made a different choice, and I’ll honor that choice as best I can. But that doesn’t mean I won’t think of you every day. It doesn’t mean I wouldn’t do anything, ANYTHING to win you back, if I thought I could change your mind. Even if it meant confronting that Amazon woman you’re married to, I would do it, if it meant you’d return the feelings I have for you. But then, it’s one of the reasons I feel for you as strongly as I do: you don’t change your mind. You stick to your guns. You’re my adorable, compact firebrand, and you always will be. You’ll always hold a piece of my heart.”

I realized recently that I’ve been wrong all this time. Here I thought Barack Obama was running for President of the United States. Turns out he’s running for President of Germany. At least that’s how it appears, judging by his “everyone look at me” festival of last week. His ego took a trip around the world, and all the people came to see.

The “highpoint” was when Mr. Obama went to Berlin, where he spoke in front of a crowd of 200,000 screaming Germans. He said nothing of consequence, as usual, just that he’ll “change” everything. But the Germans wet themselves all over their Bratwurst. They went ape-shit. They loved him. They screamed and cheered and made love to themselves. Vagueness is very exciting.

Well, Mr. Obama, all this love would be great except for one thing: You were in Germany. And the last I checked, Germans don’t get to vote in a United States presidential election. (At least not yet, anyway. We’ll see what happens if you get elected.) Did you really think the best thing for you to do right now was to go to Germany so you could receive all this sausage-laced love and affection? Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think there’s some stuff to do at home. Gas is five thousand dollars a gallon. The dollar’s worth a little bit more than a handful of Cheez-Its. The economy in general’s about as good as it was when your lib-lab buddy Jimmy Carter was in office. So why was receiving the adulation of all those screaming Berliners so important right now? I know you’ve lived in, like, 40 countries in your life, but couldn’t you at least pretend to like America? Furthermore, have you even thought about why these other countries, like Germany, might love you?

I have. I’ve thought about it a lot, actually. And to my eyes, the answer’s as clear as the nose on Chancellor Merkel’s face. Germany didn’t like our invasion of Iraq. They joined your other favorite country, France, in urging us not to invade. But you know what? They encountered a president with a little thing called conviction. We didn’t give in to their demands. We invaded anyway. Because we love freedom. Because, unlike them, we don’t build walls in the middle of our country separating one half from the other. (Note that this is completely different than a wall around the country, which I am completely in favor of.) So let’s look at this from their point of view. Who would they rather have in the White House? Another man with conviction, a man who survived a Vietnamese prison camp, a man with principles who may very well stand up to their demands during his time in office? Or a touchy-feely lib-lab who’ll do everything they tell him to do? I think it’s pretty clear. When you ask if there’s anything the Germans would like better than you as president, the answer is: Nein.

The Germans love you, Mr. Obama. That’s fantastic for you. You know what else they loved, not too long ago? The Gestapo. So good luck with them. They have great judgment.

Henry “Mack Truck” Harvey is the host of The Henry ‘Mack Truck’ Harvey Show. Excerpts of the show can be seen here.

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Senator John McCain piloting the F-18 Hornet he used to single-handedly invade Iran.

McCain, a Navy fighter pilot in the Vietnam War, said he “was just sick of waiting around” and decided to take on the invasion himself. No other U.S. military personnel participated in the invasion, and it was “wholly unauthorized,” according to a statement released by the U.S. Navy. The statement went on, “Neither the United States Navy nor any other branch of the U.S. military ordered this invasion, which was solely the work of Senator McCain. We cannot speak to what Senator McCain was thinking in undertaking such a mission, but we feel fortunate that he did no substantial damage and caused no serious injuries. Except for the camel, of course.”

McCain dropped bombs on what he thought were two “targets.” The first was what he thought was a newly constructed nuclear reactor, and the second was the home of Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. In fact, McCain had dropped the first set of bombs into the cluster of camels, then somehow circled around and dropped the second set of bombs on the camels again. Reports indicate the same camel was injured both times.

“I think I definitely hit Ahmadinejad’s house, though I can’t be sure,” McCain said. “Visibility was pretty low, but that was mainly because the goggles fell down into my mouth and then my eyes teared up. So I just started dropping those suckers. But I was near his house, I think. I was near something. Something that seemed like a house. And the first target was definitely a nuclear reactor of some kind, that I could tell was being constructed. And that one, I blew to smithereens.”

Reporters told McCain he had only wounded a camel, twice, and that no worthwhile military targets were hit or were even nearby. They showed him a copy of the Navy statement.

“A camel?” McCain asked in disbelief, after reading the statement. “No, no. That was no camel, my friends. One target was a nuclear reactor, and the other was a house that I believe one outspoken Iranian president lives in. Or at least…used to live in.” McCain then chuckled.

“This proposal is wrongheaded and is not a long-term solution of any kind to our energy problems,” McCain told reporters aboard his campaign bus. “I believe Senator McCain said yesterday that nuclear energy is safe and clean and therefore is a viable alternative to fossil fuels. But I haven’t seen enough evidence that the storage problems and the safety problems are all worked out. So I think it’s just a mistake to propose such a thing, at least at this point.”

When reporters pointed out that the “McCain” in question was actually him, Mr. McCain laughed, as if the reporters were playing some kind of joke. “Well, that’s an interesting way to look at it. I like your sense of humor,” McCain said. “That I am Senator McCain myself… That’s a funny way to look at it. But no, thankfully, it’s not true. And one of the reasons it’s not true is that I would never suggest something like this. So we’re just worlds apart, the Senator and myself.”

A reporter then showed McCain the front page of one of today’s newspapers, which had a picture of McCain next to the headline, “McCain Proposes U.S. Build New Nuclear Plants.”

“Uh huh, uh huh,” McCain said, nodding, looking at the article. “Yeah, well, there you go. It’s in print. What he proposed. So he can’t back away from it now.”

The reporter said, “No, no. That’s–That’s you in the picture, Senator. That’s you there.”

McCain looked at the reporter and laughed again. He said, “My good man, please. With all due respect, I am much more handsome than Senator McCain. I may not know everything, but I know that much.”

“We specialize in telling Congress the tough truth about lobbying and lobbyists,” said James K. Laymon, a spokesman for the group. “And that is that that the lobbying that goes on in Washington, D.C. perverts our process, incapacitates the average American, and does no less than soil our great democracy.” When asked about the apparent irony of a lobbying firm professing the evils of lobbying, Layman said, “What? I don’t think I heard you. What was that word you used? ‘I-ron-knee?’ Never heard of it. No idea what you’re talking about.”

For his part, Senator McCain sees no hypocrisy at play in his hiring of the firm, either. “I don’t see any hypocrisy or irony in it whatsoever,” McCain said while traveling on his campaign bus, the Straight Talk Express. “I am committed to ending the culture of catering to lobbies and special interests in Washington. And that is why I hired this firm, to go give some straight talk to Congress and let them know the truth about these lobbyists. And they know. Because they’re lobbyists. I can’t imagine a better qualification for the job. You want to have someone talk about how bad lobbyists are, who are you going to get? A nun? A schoolteacher? A longshoreman? No. You’re going to get a lobbyist. You guys are really complicating a very simple issue. I am anti-lobbyist, so I hired a lobbying firm to fight lobbyists. Where’s the confusion?”

Recently McCain has had to let go campaign members tied to lobbyists, and others in his campaign have had to end their relationships with lobbying firms in order to remain with the campaign. McCain addressed the perception that he is as tied to lobbyists as many in Washington politics. “I know lobbyists, yes, of course,” McCain said, chuckling. “But that doesn’t mean I like them or I work closely with them. I mean, yes, they were on my campaign, but that doesn’t mean I was close to them. I sat very far away from them at the lunch table. If you were there you would have seen. There was just, there were miles of space in between me and those guys. Really. Miles. So much space.”

Clinton said the arrangement seemed perfectly fair to her. “If you use the ClintonTron to add the popular vote, as we did, I won more of the popular vote, as we’ve said over and over again,” Clinton said. “Which means that more people wanted me to be president than Senator Obama. So in that spirit, I think it’s only fair I get more days as president than he does. More votes, more days. I mean, it seems apparent to me. So, three days for me, two for him. I don’t even see where the issue is here.”

But Mr. Obama said the arrangement offered up by Mrs. Clinton wouldn’t quite work for him. “Uh, yeah, I think I’d have to say no to that kind of arrangement, though I haven’t talked to Senator Clinton directly about it,” Obama said, following a rally in St. Paul, Minnesota where he publicly laid claim to the nomination. “If I am fortunate enough to win the presidency of this country, I would like to actually serve as president most of the time. I, uh, I really don’t see how the vice president can serve as president more than the president. Wouldn’t that make the vice president the president? I’m very confused now.”

Later, Clinton was made aware of Obama’s reaction to her proposal. “Well, he’s just being silly,” she said, chuckling slightly. “I would still be the vice president, for Gods’ sake. I’m not trying to take the presidency away from him. He has it for two of the days, for crying out loud. And I’ll even give him one weekend day. Okay? How about that. So he gets three whole days of being president. I really don’t understand what he’s crying about.”

Mr. Obama quit Trinity United Church of Christ after video surfaced of Rev. Michael Pfleger mocking Hillary Clinton during a guest sermon there. The video quickly gained momentum on the internet. This was in addition to the already damaging controversy surrounding videos of statements made by Rev. Jeremiah Wright, and it proved to be the last straw for Obama and his relationship to the church. Following a campaign stop, he spoke to reporters about why it might be that pastors who make such statements seem to gravitate towards him.

“I don’t know why it is, honestly,” Obama said. “I mean, I must have some kind of look or something that says, ‘Hey, bat-shit crazy pastor, come to me. Over here.’ I don’t know. Michelle thinks it’s maybe my cologne. But I don’t think so. I think it’s more a feeling. Like a tractor beam. A tractor beam for loopdie-loo pastors.”

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton seized on the new controversy surrounding Obama, saying to reporters while campaigning in San Jian, Puerto Rico, “Well, I think after a while you have to start asking what it is about this man that attracts these kind of pastors or religious leaders or what have you. I mean, you don’t see pastors of mine on YouTube saying these crazy things. Now, granted, my spiritual mentor is Billy Graham, and he’s around a thousand years old, but still…”

Arizona Senator John McCain, the presumptive Republican candidate for president, also chimed in on the issue. Speaking to reporters on his campaign bus, the Straight Talk Express, McCain said, “Well, again, I don’t know these people personally, but I think it reflects on the person himself when figures who have been a part of his life, or endorsed him or something like that, make these kind of inflammatory remarks.” Reporters then reminded the senator that he recently rejected the support of not one, but two pastors, for inflammatory comments of their own. “I did what now? You’re saying I rejected someone? When? When did that happen? Last week? No, no. Impossible. Last week, I was… I was on vacation all week with my wife. In Tahiti.” Joe Lieberman, who appeared at McCain’s side seemingly from nowhere, then whispered in the candidate’s ear. After listening for a moment, McCain said, “Actually, uh, I wasn’t in Tahiti, on vacation, last week, as you all know. And I know. I mean, obviously I know I was campaigning last week. In America. Somewhere…in America. Because I’m running for president in America. So clearly I couldn’t have been in Tahiti. But wherever I was in America, you can be sure I wasn’t rejecting the support of any pastor or religious figure who said anything offensive. I can assure you of that.”

Once again, Lieberman whispered in McCain’s ear. McCain listened, then turned back to reporters and said, “Uh, of course, you and I both know that I did reject the support of two pastors last week. You and I also know that I was kidding just now when I said I hadn’t, just as I was kidding when I said I was in Tahiti a minute before that. I do…I do a lot of kidding. It keeps the campaign light. And fun. I am still campaigning, right? It’s not November, is it?”