President Barack Obama stands with Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton and Defense Secretary Robert M. Gates as he addresses the press to speak of the threat posed to the nation by former Vice President Dick Cheney.

“I have to look at it honestly and objectively, and when I do that, I see that I haven’t done the job,” the president said. “Vice President Cheney is still out there, speaking, scaring the bejeezus out of kids and nervous people everywhere, and I have to take some of the blame for that.”

Mr. Cheney has been on what has amounted to a media blitz of late, appearing on several television programs and making public speeches, attempting to defend harsh interrogation policies authorized by the Bush Administration. Americans have been exposed to Cheney far more often than some of them would like.

Jane Armster of Portland, Oregon said she thought the worst was over. “You know the election happened, and I thought, ‘Wow, he’s gone. Cheney’s really gone.’ And then here we are, what, a few months later, and he’s back. And he’s on TV all the time. He’s everywhere. It’s like he’s vice president all over again, except this time he has the energy to appear in public and talk all the time. It’s terrifying.”

Vice President Dick Cheney walks to a podium to speak to troops in his private army. The army is prepared to fight the U.S. military on behalf of Mr. Cheney.

Mike Mansher of Cleveland, Ohio said, “I feel like I’m in some kind of time warp or something. Like it’s 2003 again. And I hated 2003. I was dating this chick, and she was just a nightmare. Clingy, psycho. Hated my friends. So I don’t want to go back there again, thank you very much.”

Washington was abuzz this morning over a Washington Post report that Mr. Cheney is amassing a private army made up of thousands of paid soldiers ready to fight the U.S. military, if necessary. The former vice president is also named in separate Post story as “someone who expressed interest” in obtaining a black market nuclear weapon or the materials to make such a weapon by a Pakistani man in British custody who is awaiting trial on terrorism charges. The man, Ejaz Youseff, claims to have “extensive firsthand knowledge” of the nuclear weapons black market.

Lynne Headman, a spokeswoman in Mr. Cheney’s Washington, D.C. office, called both stories “flatly untrue.”

“Vice President Cheney has never pursued the purchase of a nuclear weapon,” Ms. Headman said. “And if he did, he would pay for it above board, fair and square and using the proper channels. Like he does with all his other weapons of mass destruction.”

Mr. Obama vowed to fight the forces of Mr. Cheney with new resolve, but said he won’t go beyond the rule of law.

“What I won’t do is torture, or do anything else that undermines the rule of law or goes against our founding principles,” he said. “We can defeat our enemies without sacrificing the moral authority that is our greatest currency. We can do that even against an enemy as formidable as Dick Cheney.”

Vice President Dick Cheney presenting King Abdullah bin Abdul Al-Aziz of Saudi Arabia with a gift of enriched uranium in 2007. Mr. Cheney has given uranium as a gift on several occasions.

But some on Mr. Cheney’s list have grown tired of the gift, and would prefer something else. “I mean, every year it’s uranium. Uranium, uranium, uranium,” said a friend of Cheney’s who spoke on condition of anonymity, as he was not authorized to discuss the gifts he received from the vice president. “How much uranium can you put on the mantelpiece? I have pictures of my kids I want to put up. How about a picture frame, Mr. Vice President? How about anything other than uranium?”

And apparently, Christmas is not the only occasion for which Mr. Cheney will give the gift of uranium. When Mr. Cheney visited King Abdullah bin Abdul Al-Aziz of Saudi Arabia in 2007, he presented him with a block of enriched uranium. A stunned King Abdullah said simply, “Thanks.” Mr. Cheney has also given uranium as a wedding gift, a birthday gift and for the baptism of a friend’s child.

But the vice president defended his gift-giving. “No one has complained to me,” Cheney said. “And I think if you saw the reaction, the looks on the faces of people when I give them the uranium – after they put on the protective gloves, of course – you wouldn’t doubt how overjoyed they are to receive it as a gift. People love it. They can’t get it at Macy’s. They can’t go buy it. So it’s unique. It’s a great gift. Trust me. Rumsfeld used to give me plutonium every year, and I can assure you, I loved it each and every time.”

“It’s not that I don’t appreciate the uranium, the thought behind it. I do,” the friend continued. “All I’m saying is that there are plenty of other gifts. For instance, we gave Dick and Lynne opera tickets this year. Isn’t that nice? Opera tickets? I think that’s a very nice gift. You know why? You can go watch it. It’s pleasurable. It’s a nice experience. What do you do with uranium? Sit on your couch and admire it? Call in the family, ‘Hey kids, let’s gather round and look at the uranium again’? No. I think not.”

Vice President Dick Cheney speaks to the Heritage Foundation December 2, 2008. Cheney said timetables for the Bush administration’s withdrawal from the White House were “politically-motivated” and would “embolden the opposition.”

“It is as foolhardy as it is premature for these armchair tacticians to declare a certain date as the date on which withdrawal should begin,” Cheney said at a dinner hosted by the Heritage Foundation. “Every expert has said time and again that the only determining factor for when forces withdraw is the situation on the ground. That means, not the political agenda of the day, not the whim of a certain group of politicians. Only the situation on the ground. Those same experts will also tell you that naming the day you will withdraw does one thing, and one thing only: it emboldens your opposition.”

Cheney went on to say that the imposing of timetables for withdrawal was politically motivated and was meant to undermine the current administration and the Republican party in general. “This is not the time to be playing partisan politics,” Cheney said. “Saying, ‘Our candidate won and will be sworn in on this date,’ is not only unwise, but I dare say unpatriotic, and un-American. It is to invite failure, to invite defeat, to invite catastrophe.”

Vice President-elect Joe Biden disagreed with Cheney, saying the withdrawal date is clear, is official, and has been known for some time. “This is another game they play,” Biden said. “They love games. They say ‘no timetables’ because they don’t ever want to present a plan for withdrawal. You know why? They don’t want to to withdraw. It’s as simple as that. Now, I like games as much as anyone. Yahtzee, I love. Just the name – Yahtzee. It’s fantastic. But, yeah… What was I saying? Oh, Cheney. Yeah. He’s crazy. He’s really just bat-shit crazy.”

Towards the end of his remarks, Cheney acknowledged that a withdrawal will happen at some point, but he urged caution in rushing to any decision about when exactly it will occur. “We know from history that if we rush to a decision in this instance, it could be disastrous. I think it only wise to be patient and not jump the gun based on the ‘will of the people’ or ‘the election.’ Such arbitrary indicators of opinion are not facts, and they are not reason enough to withdraw from such an important endeavor, namely this administration holding power over this great nation.”

“He just came out and asked me,” Biden said. “He just said, ‘Hey, Joe, what do you think about me in the adminsitration?’ And I said, ‘In what capacity?’ And he said, ‘I was thinking Secretary of Evil. You guys don’t have anyone like that right now.’ And I said, ‘No, we don’t, Dick. No, we don’t.’ And I told him I would certainly pass along his message to President-elect Obama and see what he says.”

Secretary of Evil has never been a cabinet-level position in any U.S. president’s administration. Experts said it was unlikely that Mr. Obama would create an entirely new post, especially one that would be filled by a member of the outgoing Bush administration.

Mr. Cheney could not be reached for comment, but President Bush, told of Mr. Cheney’s desire to serve in the Obama administration, said, “Oh, Secretary of Evil? Oh, he’d be great at that. That’s kind of what he is now. But what about me, though? I think I could help them, too. I’d be willing to serve, help out. Maybe, uh, maybe Secretary of Snacks or something. How about that? Do they have one of those?”

Cheney’s secret cave-chamber is different from his now-infamous “undisclosed location,” which is an underground bunker located in Blue Ridge Summit, Pennsylvania. The chamber is stocked with vial upon vial of the life forces of hundreds of young children, which, along with the increased levels of oxygen in the chamber, help keep Cheney alive. This is part of the reason the Vice President is so resistant to the idea of leaving the chamber.

“First of all, they would never have even know I was in here, if you people in the damn press hadn’t uncovered it. I’ve been here since the Nixon administration. No one knew for decades. With the resources I’ve put in place here, I can stay for a hundred more years, perhaps longer. And mark my words, I will stay. No one will find this chamber. Not now, not ever.”

President Bush, told of Cheney’s plan, said, “Well, if he’s staying, I’m staying. I’ll stay in the playroom. In the back where the TVs and the games are. It’s only fair. If he gets a secret chamber thing, I should at least get the playroom.”

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In secret lab tests, anthrax spores could not sustain life in the presence of Vice President Dick Cheney.

“He just happened to be down there, below ground,” said Michael W. Bannister, one of the scientists from the National Institutes of Health who is administering the tests. “I’m not sure why, exactly. But we thought we saw him moving around in the shadows. And then he just came in the lab and asked if he could observe the testing. And suddenly these spores just started going crazy, and then abruptly died. We looked at each other and didn’t really know if we should believe it at first. But it was obvious: it was because the vice president was standing there.”

An aide to Mr. Cheney, speaking on the condition of anonymity, agreed with the assessment of Mr. Cheney’s power. “Well, see, now people might understand a little better that there’s no one else who can do what he can do,” the aide said. “You know how he shot his friend in the face that time when he was hunting? Well, that was because he was so inexperienced with the gun. Because he doesn’t have to use it. He doesn’t need a gun to kill deer, or ducks, or whatever it is. That’s what people didn’t understand about that whole thing. All he has to do is get close enough to them where they sense or feel his presence, and they just keel over and die. It’s amazing. And it doesn’t matter what kind of animal. Bears, lions, you name it. I mean, birds just dropping out of the sky. So I’m not surprised by the spore thing at all.”

The testing came about due to increased interest in anthrax infection and its effects, following the suicide last week of Bruce E. Ivins, a scientist at the U.S. Army Medical Research Institute of Infectious Diseases, whom the FBI claim they were on the verge of indicting in the 2001 anthrax letters case. Senior members of the Bush administration ordered the tests Monday, to try to get a better handle on the science behind anthrax infections.

President Bush tried Tuesday to explain the testing, and why it was kept secret until being reported on by several news agencies. “Our number one goal is to protect the American people,” Mr. Bush said. “And we know now that these spores are dangerous. They’re very dangerous. They might look like they can’t do any harm. They’re just chocolate and marshmallows and graham crackers. They’re a tasty treat. How could that be dangerous? Well, I’m telling you now: don’t be fooled by the tastiness. They’re very, very dangerous, and they’re not to be toyed with.”

Asked about the bill’s odd amendment relating to Cheney, Rockefeller said, “Well, we needed to come up with a bill that the president would actually sign. And he’s given every indication, and so has the White House, that the only way he would sign it is if it contained the amendment that Cheney is granted access to every person’s cell phone. So we put it in. What can we do? I mean, look, he’s already listening anyway, you may as well just hand the guy the phone. What’s the big deal?”

Before the bill gets to President Bush, however, it will likely face opposition in the House of Representatives. Several Democrats have said they will do everything they can to block its passage, and some have threatened to filibuster. But Senate Majority leader Harry Reid says he hopes it doesn’t come to that. “I certainly hope they don’t filibuster,” Reid said. “I mean, the Republicans, they don’t like it when we make trouble. If we just go quietly along with what they say, they’re so much nicer to us. I love it when they’re like that. They joke around with me, treat me like a buddy. Slap my back and say hello. It’s so nice.”

President Bush said the bill’s passage is urgently needed to protect the nation from another terrorist attack. Speaking to reporters at the White House, Mr. Bush said, “This bill is vital for the protection of the people of this country. It contains provisions that allow us to do the things necessary to keep this country safe. And that includes the Vice President having access to your cell phone, if necessary. He will use that access to make sure you’re not calling an Al Qaeda member or some other radical terrorist or extremist. He may call some of the numbers, to make sure the person listed in your ‘contacts’ is actually the person they’re supposed to be, and not some impostor – some terrorist impostor intending to harm our great nation. And then, once he’s through, which shouldn’t be longer than a few days to a week at most, he’ll give the phone back. And don’t be surprised if all your information is erased, for example. Just know that whatever was done, it was done in the interest of our national security. Consider yourself a patriot. You’re a patriot, and your phone is a patriot, too. It gave of itself for our country. It gave that data. And that is the essence of patriotism. So, be proud of that phone. That little guy may have just saved your life. Tell it how thankful you are. Buy it a new case. Something soft and furry, that will keep it warm. You owe it that much.”

“Vice President Cheney began what is sure to be a very full, very pleasant trip to various destinations around the world,” White House Press Secretary Dana Perino said in a briefing for reporters at the White House. “He hopes to discover many potentially exciting targets for future bombings, which were previously unknown to us. For instance, he and his team have already discovered a swath just outside Montreal that would look particularly interesting in flames, especially on television. So this has been a very productive first day.”

Though the U.S. is engaged in long-term military commitments in both Iraq and Afghanistan, Bush administration officials are constantly on the lookout for new and interesting targets for the many bombs and missiles the U.S. has developed. For that reason, Cheney said, he didn’t exclude Iraq or Afghanistan from his search.

“Well, you never know whether there’s a choice spot you may have missed, that you may not have bombed yet,” Cheney said. “So even though we’ve bombed a pretty significant portion of both of those countries, I didn’t want to leave anything to chance, and then reach a point later on where I kick myself and say, ‘Ah, geez. I could have gotten that one.’”

The Vice President acknowledged being under a bit of a time crunch, as he and President Bush have less than a year remaining in their second and final term in office. “We’re going to be in kind of a whirlwind kind of state, you might say,” Cheney admitted. “We’re going to go through, investigate these spots as best we can, and as quickly as we can, and then hopefully we’ll have enough time once we get back to, you know, to bomb one or more of them.”

“I was honored to be chosen for the position,” Jansen, 19 and formerly a White House intern, said this morning when reached by telephone. “It was a very important assignment, and I hope I didn’t let the Vice President or my country down.”

Vice President Cheney defended his decision to give such a young and relatively inexperienced staffer the title of Special Envoy, a position usually reserved for well-recognized and respected diplomats.

“An envoy is dispatched when there is a conflict,” Cheney said. “And this was most certainly a conflict. There was cherry pie, Mississippi mud pie and apple pie a la mode. Clearly there were going to be disagreements over what I should have out of those three, and I needed someone level-headed and impartial to go in there and work out that conflict quickly and decisively. And Johnny–Donnie did a wonderful job. He’s an American hero, in my opinion.”

When pressed for details regarding the precise decision made, Jansen was hesitant to reveal much information. “In the interest of national security, I probably shouldn’t go into it too much,” Jansen said. “But let’s just say, you know that saying, ‘less is more?’ Well, when it comes to the Vice President, sometimes more is more. And…And in this case, more was definitely more.” Asked if he was implying that the Vice President had more than one dessert, Jansen said, “Well, I don’t want to say, but I can tell you there wasn’t anything left for me. Or anybody else, really.”

Jansen points out that he was immediately stripped of his new title once he returned to the table. He said he was not disappointed, though. “No, no. I’m not bitter or anything. I just look forward to other similar opportunities in the future. You know, maybe fetching extra butter for the Vice President during breakfast or something. Anything my country needs.”

The remarks were made as part of a talk Ahmadinejad gave at the University of Tehran to a crowded auditorium of mostly students and young people. He went on to say that the cake he has received in the past from the United States has been, “dry and flakey, almost like a shoebox.” He challenged President Bush directly in regard to the ability of the United States to provide moist cake.”All this talking you do, Mr. Bush, what does it amount to, if you cannot produce even one piece of moist cake? I answer it amounts to nothing. It is just talk. Empty. No calories. No icing. No nothing.”

President Bush responded by dismissing Ahmadinejad’s statements. “He just, uh, he just says things like this from time to time, and we have to just take what he says with a grain of salt,” Mr. Bush said. “The idea that we can’t produce a moist piece of cake is obviously just not true. I know that I, personally, have had wonderfully moist pieces of cake. I know the First Lady has as well. I mean, you know, people get one dry piece of cake and they think it represents a whole country’s output. I mean, maybe it got dry because we had to fly it to Iran. Did he ever think of that? I doubt it. If he comes here, has some cake in the White House, in the United States, I guarantee you it’ll be moist. It’ll be the moistest thing he’s ever eaten. Not that I know everything he’s eaten, but you know what I mean.”

Vice President Cheney also dismissed the Iranian president’s comments. “It’s just absurd,” Cheney said. “I know for a fact it’s absurd. I just ate a whole cake in the kitchen here, standing near the refrigerator, and it was incredibly moist. So he is once again just making these big claims without knowing the facts.”

“It’s just chilled me out,” Cheney said, exiting the White House with his purple yoga mat under his arm, on the way to a daily yoga class. “I mean, when you breathe that way, and stretch everything out, you realize nothing is all that important.”

Cheney began doing yoga at the suggestion of his doctors, after they discovered the vice president had an irregular heartbeat. This latest discovery, on top of Cheney’s history of repeated heart problems, drove doctors to suggest yoga as a way to help Cheney lessen his stress, control his breathing and improve his overall health.

And it seems to have had the added benefit of changing Cheney’s vision of the world. “I was doing the Downward Dog,” Cheney recalled. “And when I came back up to sitting position, it was like a giant light bulb went off in my head: ‘Oh, my goodness. I’m destroying the world for no reason. This has to stop.’ So I went to the president and I said, ‘We must remove all troops from Iraq as quickly and peacefully as we can, and try to improve our standing in the rest of the world. After that, we need to restore the civil rights we’ve taken from our own citizens, and be much more compassionate towards other faiths, religions, and ways of seeing things. It’s the only way.’”

Asked how the president responded, Cheney said, “Well, he’s mulling it all over. It may take him a little while to process. I think he was a bit shocked, perhaps understandably. But I just said, ‘Namaste,’ and walked quietly out of the Oval Office to let him make the decisions he’ll make. After all, whatever will be, will be.”

After he ate the document, Mr. Cheney, “Looked like he felt much better… He was certainly ready for the next course,” said an official who attended the dinner and requested anonymity.

The Constitution was apparently being passed around the table so each guest could have a chuckle, marveling at its quaint “rights” and “privileges.” Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, also a guest at the dinner, thought the document was part of the menu, and reportedly asked another guest what kind of fish “Habeas Corpus” is.

“Vice President Cheney should make a full recovery, and was doing well when I left him last night,” said a White House medical technician who preferred to remain nameless. “The budget just seemed to touch a nerve. I think the realization of the unabashed abuse of the poor–I think that’s what really got him.”

Reports surfaced in the early morning hours about Cheney being unable to cease his own laughter even hours after being given medical attention, and muttering, “He cut it all… He cut it all… My glorious apprentice cut it all…” The reports were roundly denied by White House spokesman Scott McClellan.

“That is untrue to the point of being libelous,” McClellan bellowed during a briefing about Cheney’s condition. “You liberal media people… Well, let’s just say I’m glad we know who you are.”

In a related story, a White House beat reporter for the Peeksbury Times has been reported missing. This newspaper loves the Bush administration and everything it stands for.