The bill would have disallowed every American except the top two percent of earners from seeking access to oxygen. National Guard troops would have been tasked with seizing all available oxygen from around the country and storing it in locked, sealed containers. Armed guards would stand watch at each supply center.

Any American declared ineligible, and not in possession of an Oxygen Access card, would have been denied oxygen, beginning on February 8, 2012.

Experts said that if the bill had managed to pass, the country’s borders would have needed to be sealed off, so that a mass exodus did not occur once people realized they would run out of oxygen, and attempted to go elsewhere to get some.

President Obama faced criticism in the run-up to the Senate vote for not saying conclusively whether or not he would veto the bill, were it to come across his desk. He is no longer faced with such a dilemma.

In remarks on the Senate floor, Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said, in supporting passage of the bill, “This bill is admittedly strong and unyielding, but it is necessary. No longer can we live in the welfare state of America, where anyone can receive oxygen, just because they wish to breathe. There have to be limits.”

But some Senate Democrats saw the bill differently. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said he could not support the bill, though part of him agreed with its necessity.

“Although I see the logic behind this bill, and the thinking that went into its drafting,” Reid said, “I must draw the line at letting the majority of Americans die, due to lack of available oxygen. I urge my fellow Senators to vote no on this motion, if no other reason than most people in their constituencies will die if it passes.”

Following the vote, Reid admitted the vote was “closer than he would have liked,” but refused to discuss Sen. Nelson’s possible reasons for crossing the aisle. “I respect Senator Nelson very much, but of course, I’m very concerned with the current climate, yes,” Reid said. “Very concerned. Especially with things like the ‘Extermination of the Poverty-Stricken’ bill, which is coming up for a vote next month. I think that has a real shot at passage.”

Republicans, for their part, were celebrating.

“Look, three votes is awfully close, ” said Senator Jim DeMint (R-SC), a supporter of the bill. “And it’s one more than we thought we could count on. So, obviously we’re doing something right, and we have to keep doing it. We almost got this one through, and this kills almost everyone. So I’m optimistic about our chances in the future.”

“I am voting yes on this bill because on an issue such as this, I felt I must vote my conscience. Or whatever that thing’s called. The thing that tells you what’s right and wrong. Your, your moral center. Whatever they call doing what that thing tells them to do when they vote, that’s what I’m doing.”

Mr. Armon denied that he is now voting for the bill because he has been promised a spot on the House Ethics Committee.

“My vote has nothing whatsoever to do with promises or deals or anything of that nature,” he said. “Unless you count the promise I made to the American people, and the people of Virginia’s 12th district. And my conscience. Then it is about promises. Because when I promise my conscience something, boy, I deliver. I don’t disappoint my conscience. Because, you know, when you disappoint your conscience… you… um… Look, all I know is I’m voting my conscience. Unless that doesn’t mean what I think it means, in which case I’m not doing that.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi would neither confirm or deny that Armon has been offered a spot on the Ethics Committee. She would only say that he was voting for the bill because he thought he was doing the right thing.

“Representative Armon is voting for health care reform because he believes in health care reform,” Pelosi said. “He believes in health care reform in his heart. Or wherever people believe in things.”

President Obama introduces Larry Brillstein, his choice for Secretary of Panic, a new cabinet-level position. Brillstein almost didn’t make it to the White House due to his fear of going outside.

“Today I announce one of my most important appointments,” Mr. Obama said in prepared remarks. “Larry Brillstein will bring to this position the same level of paranoia and overreaction that he has brought to every job he has held so far in his life – one of which he lost due to an anxiety attack which occurred in front of customers.”

Mr. Obama said he chose to create the position, the first of its kind, because the country is in a “particularly heightened state of anxiety,” with the economic downturn, two wars being waged simultaneously, and most recently nuclear tests on the part of North Korea and missile tests on the part of Iran.

“This is a nerve-wracking time,” he said. “And who better to guide us through it than a man who once made and canceled the same doctor’s appointment eight times, because he was too scared to go? I am certain Larry is the right man for this job.”

Mr. Brillstein addressed the press, which he said was “frightening in a way you could not possibly imagine.”

“I almost didn’t make it here today,” Mr. Brillstein said. “I looked out my window and saw a man walking his dog. I was sure he was staring at me. I became very nervous and found it hard to breathe. It is this kind of experience that I will bring to the position of Secretary of Panic. I know panic. I know panic better than I know anything else in my life. And that worries me.”

Brillstein acknowledged his limited resume, but said he would give the position everything he had.

“You can be sure that when I wake up each day and think about the job ahead, I will be nervous almost to the point of incapacitation. I’ve never let a day casually go by before, and you can be certain I won’t start now. Thank you, Mr. President. And now I should probably go vomit.”

“Basically, we see it as using the money wisely, in the most productive way possible for the public good,” said Rodney Danielson, one of the group members who was designated as the official spokesman. “This 600 bucks or whatever, it could buy a TV, yeah, or pay some bills, or be put away. But you know what? If I can open the paper tomorrow and see someone else sitting behind that desk in the Oval Office, it’s worth the money to me. So I refund my refund to the Treasury. Just get someone else in there. I’ll take almost anyone. It can be a Republican. It can be a Democrat. It can be Simon Cowell, for God’s sake, just get someone new in that place!”

Bush, whose approval rating is the lowest in modern history, rejected the proposal during a brief exchange with reporters later in the day, after the protesters had dispersed.

“Look, I respect the American people and their opinions,” Mr. Bush said. “And they’re entitled to those opinions. But lots of opinions can be wrong. Like, I may have an opinion that, uh, cheese is better to hold two pieces of something together than glue. Or a nail. But that doesn’t make it true, just because I have the opinion. I’m not saying I have that opinion. I know cheese is for eating. But, yeah, so this is the same thing, except in this case, the cheese is the fact that they think I should leave office. Or maybe the people who think that are the cheese. Or maybe I’m the cheese. I really don’t know, to be honest, and I’m kind of hurting myself thinking about it, but you know what I mean.”

Mr. Bush went on to firmly state that he would not be handing over power any time soon. “I’m not leaving office early. Period,” Bush said. “In fact, you know, I might stay longer than people think. Past the period where the next guy’s going to start. I mean, I don’t mean I’ll hold up the process or anything, but I like it here. I may, you know, find a little room in the back to stay in. Get a little cot or something in there. And just hang out. Have breakfast with the folks here. You know. Do White House type things. I think they might let me stay a while. I…I hope so. Do you think… Do you think they might let me stay?”

Asked if he was offering any further solutions towards easing the crisis, Mr. Bush thought for a moment and said, “Uh, no. This is it for now. But I don’t know if you heard me when I said the Nation doesn’t have to pay this back. It’s a gift. No strings attached.”

A reporter pointed out that with a U.S. population of roughly 300 million, 52 cents isn’t going to go very far, when divided up among everyone in the country.

“Well, what does that mean, I shouldn’t do it?” Bush retorted. “If you can save a cat in a tree, do you not do it because you’re…you’re not going to make enough of a profit? No. You save the cat. You always save the cat.”

The reporter responded, “Well, Sir, it works out to roughly 1.73 times 10 to the negative 9 cents per person, to be more precise.”

Bush responded, “Okay, well, first of all, I have no idea what you just said. And second of all, so what? 52 cents is 52 cents. You know what, how about this – you don’t get your share. Then there’s that much more for everybody else. There’s another 1.73 to the ten-oh-nine or whatever it is, to give to the others. You know, I was going to look through the insides of our other limos, too. But now…now I’m not so sure.”

Annapolis, MD – Just as he was making an apparent move to combat the perception of his presidency being firmly set in its lame duck period by pushing for and moderating Mideast peace talks here between Israeli and Palestinian leaders, President Bush announced today that he would spend the remainder of his term taking a nap.

“It’s the best way I can help the country,” Bush said in a short press briefing after taking part in one of several meetings between Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert and president of the Palestinian Authority Mahmoud Abbas. “Once I return home from this very important and historic trip, I plan to lay down. And then keep doing that for the rest of the year, and until my term ends. But I will still be working. Be assured of that. I’ll be planning, conceiving of ideas to help this country achieve freedom and prosperity. I’ll just be asleep.”

Asked if he was concerned that the decision would add to the widely held belief that his final year will be an ineffective one, Bush said, “I’m not concerned at all. ‘Lame duck.’ What does that even mean? It’s insulting, is what it is. To ducks. Because ducks are not lame. They are awesome.”

“I don’t see how this means I won’t be getting anything done,” Bush continued when pressed further on the issue of how his proposed inactivity will be perceived by a frustrated public. “I have some of my best ideas when I’m asleep. It’s when I wake up that I tend to run into trouble.”

The president has roughly one year and one month remaining in his term. He said he had planned to push for several domestic initiatives, once returned from aiding the Mideast peace talks in Annapolis. But then he saw his bed in the distance, and, exhausted from the many days of negotiations, his plans changed.

Pelosi and Reid first dismissed the president’s offer as a joke of some kind. But by Friday afternoon, realizing that the president was, in fact, serious, they had canceled other appointments and had arrived at the White House, hoping to take up the president’s challenge. They shared the Oval Office with reporters and White House staff members, and of course, the president himself, who remained seated at his desk.

“So, here we are,” the president said, his hands resting on the desk in front of him. He then sat back slowly, and rather dramatically put his hands behind his back. He began to concentrate intently, his tongue fishing around the side of his mouth. Then, apparently finished with what he was doing, he smiled and said, “Now it’s up to you.”

Pelosi looked to Reid, and then they both looked back at the president. Pelosi then cleared her throat and said, “Uh, is it…is it seven, Mr. President?”

Mr. Bush smiled and shook his head and said, “Nope.” He then looked to Reid and nodded. “Go ahead. You get a chance, too.”

“Uh, is it five?” Reid asked.

Mr. Bush smiled more widely, brought his arms back around front, and said, “My friends, I’m sorry to say, you are both incorrect. The correct answer is 27. 27 fingers.”

Pelosi and Reid looked at each other with puzzled amazement.

“But, Mr. President,” Speaker Pelosi said, “You don’t have 27 fingers.”

“Ah, yes. I’m aware of that,” the president responded with a grin. “You see, there are other people in this room. And those people–most of them, I’m assuming–have fingers. So before you arrived, I asked some of them to hold up some of their fingers. No rule against that. I don’t see any rule anywhere that says, ‘In the finger-holding-up-behind-the-back game, you can’t use someone else’s fingers.’ Do you see that anywhere?”

Reid and Pelosi shook their heads in unison to say, No.

“Exactly,” the president said. “So, they held up a total of 17, these other folks. Add that to my four that I was holding up, and you have 27.”

Senator Reid said, “But Mr. President, 17 plus 4 is 21, not 27.”

Mr. Bush’s smile vanished and he looked a bit stunned. He rolled his eyes upwards and appeared to be counting in his head. When he finished, he glared at Pelosi and Reid, then scowled. After a pause, he said flatly, “Your bill will be vetoed. And in the future, I suggest you think about extra fingers. When trying to get a bill passed. I suggest it very much.”

“This president is decisive, and he is a man who takes action,” McClellan said during a press gaggle this afternoon. “He is committed to doing whatever it takes to outline plans. And this address to the nation, I think, will prove that he has a clear plan for outlining his plan.”

Meeting with reporters shortly before boarding Air Force One, the president said, “I plan to outline several, uh, several plans I have for outlining several things. I’m going to make a bold outline towards the goal of getting a real, firm outline together. That’s the leadership the American people want, and the one they deserve.”

McClellan’s exchange with the White House press corps grew tense as it drew to a close, when reporters pressed him for more details about the president’s address. The following is an excerpt from today’s press gaggle:

Question: But, Scott, what is it that the President will be outlining Sunday night? What specifically?

McClellan: Well, as I said, Terry, he will be outlining a broad and far-reaching plan to outline a broad, far-reaching plan. I think I’ve been more than clear on that point already.

Q: But what is the plan?

McClellan: See, I thought I said this already, Terry. The plan is an outline, as I said, for a future plan of an outline. It is far-reaching, and it is bold.

Q: I understand. But what will it refer to? When you outline something, you usually have a subject that you’re outlining.

McClellan: Not necessarily. You know, when you’re a child, you draw an outline of something on a piece of paper, right? It’s just an outline. You’re just drawing. You don’t know what it is. You’re eight. You don’t have a specific ‘subject’ or ‘goal’ or whatever catchphrase you want to attach to it. You just have your little outline. Well, this is like that, but it’s a big outline, and it’s the president. And it’s bold. And far-reaching.

Q: What are you talking about?

McClellan: I’m talking about outlines. What are you talking about? I’m talking about solutions. I’m talking about plans.

Q: You’re talking about drawing something when you’re eight.

McClellan: No, I’m not. You are.

The president went on to say he could think of no better week than Thanksgiving week to have Americans “stop and give thanks for all kids, even ones who are challenged with, uh, with their vocabulary. See, now right there, I didn’t know what to say. I was going to say ‘vocabulously challenged,’ but I didn’t because I thought it was wrong. And that’s probably not a word, I don’t think. But am I any less of a person because of that? Because I didn’t know that? No. I’m not. I’m still the man I was before. And that’s pride. Do wrong. Get it wrong. It’s okay. You’re still great in my book. You’re better than great. You’re superfluous.”

National Mediocre Spelling Week will commence with a parade Monday afternoon, led by children who misspelled or mispronounced the words “the” and “as” more than three times on recent elementary school tests. Marjorie Rosam, the mother of such a child, said, “I think it’s great that kids like mine, like Emily, are being, you know, given a parade. Whatever you call it. Honored. I always told her that spelling was no big deal, and now she can see I was right. I’m very proud.”

Emily beamed when asked if she thought the parade would give her more confidence. “Yes. It will, ” she said. “I can even spell it. K-o-n-f-a-d-a-s-s-e. Konfadasse. And now I know that even if that’s wrong, it doesn’t matter. I still get a parade. And that gives me more konfadasse.”

The president entered the South Carolina State House, where he was to speak to the Legislature, approached the podium, felt his head as if in a significant amount of pain, then came to the microphone with a smile, saying, “I’ve got it. I’ve got the plan. The solution. I thought it was a migraine, but it was a thought. A great one.”

The president then briefly outlined the proposal, saying it would count any two poor people as one person, and would pay only the Social Security benefits owed to one individual, whoever was to receive the least.

“I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before,” the president said gleefully. “You know, I got all these guys, and I pay ‘em all this money and meet with ‘em and everything. And what happens? They can’t see something like this. It’s like everything. You have to be able to see the leaves and not just the trees–the bark of the tree and not the forest. Whatever that is.”

Many in the audience seemed unable to speak or move for several minutes as the president continued, appearing to get ideas one after another. “And maybe we make it that if there’s three people in the home who could receive the benefits, you get, like, 1.5 or something. I don’t know. Or maybe we could also raise the retirement age for poor people to 130. I don’t know. I’ll leave it to the smart guys to figure out the details. But man, this is great. I like–I really like solving problems. I like it. I know FDR said that, too. Or something like that. And I like to think we’re alike. Now, he may have done this differently. Like, he may have counted poor people as a whole person. I don’t know. I didn’t know him personally. But the point is, it’s a solution, and it’s good for America. Or the part of it that has a bunch of money.”

At that moment Dan Bartlett, Counselor to the President, came to the podium, put his hand on the microphone and whispered to the president. The president’s response was audible without the microphone, as he said, “Why, Dan? I don’t wanna go. I’m having fun.” The president finally left the podium with Bartlett, shaking his head, and an announcement was made that his presence was required at an emergency meeting on Air Force One.

By the time the president had returned to Washington, the White House had already begun denying the radical plan had been proposed by the president. White House spokesman Scott McClellan, at an impromptu press briefing, said, “This is another attempt by the liberal media to paint this president in a negative light. As if he would even consider counting two poor people as one. It’s absurd. A poor person counts as at least eight tenths of a rich person in many cases where taxes aren’t a factor, and this administration stands firm on that.”

Not a single member of the South Carolina Legislature can currently be located.

“This is a big step forward for this president and this administration,” White House spokesman Scott McClellan said in a press briefing Tuesday afternoon. “I think it certainly can be said that this president has been accused of being too narrow-minded on this issue, of giving kids no choice other than abstention. Well, the President’s saying, here’s a choice. You have a dog? A cat? Better yet, do you live near a farm? Why not get out the urge on a llama or a goat, rather than Sally from down the block? That way, Sally doesn’t get pregnant, and for the boy–well, we all know it’s really all the same for the boy anyway.”

Animal rights groups expressed outrage over the proposal, and Democrats voiced concerns as well, both for the animals and for the teens and their safety. President Bush, responding to some of the statements, said, “Well, I mean, animals are pretty clean. Right? I mean, they lick themselves and everything. These kids should be fine.” Some animals have carried diseases similar to AIDS, and scientists say the health risks from sexual interaction between a teenager and an animal are quite high in any event. “Well, they can say that,” Bush said. “But they say a lot of things. The health risks might be high? Okay. The health risks of breathing the air around here are supposed to be high, too, if you believe scientists. But I haven’t died yet. A lot of other people have, but I haven’t. Heck, that’s enough for me.”

In terms of his motivation for drafting the bold policy, Bush said, “Well, it, uh, it came from them–the teens.” The President said he was inspired by the stories he read about teens who were involved in the abstinence-only programs and went to unusually extreme lengths to avoid breaking their promise to abstain from premarital sex. “These teens, you have to say one thing for them — they’re resourceful. Can’t put this in this part here, we’ll put it over there. It’s good, solid thinking. And I think that kind of creativity is uniquely American. And they’re still loved by God. Because they haven’t broken that trust. That sacred trust. They came in the back door, and everyone knows that doesn’t count.”

McClellan, asked about why condoms and other types of birth control were not mentioned in the draft of the President’s proposal, responded, “Look, all you guys want to talk about is condoms, condoms, condoms. ‘They’re so great.’ ‘They work most of the time.’ Well, schtupping a chimp works every time.”

Hours later, after instant polling showed 87% of the country thought the president might have a significant mental handicap after hearing his statements, the White House issued a press release briefly outlining a new initiative proposed by the president, dubbed “Free to Be You and Me (Sometimes).”

The plan would allow for opinions differing from the White House’s official stance on a particular issue to be expressed in specific designated areas, to be called “No Opinion Left Behind” zones, at least 50 miles from a specific event, speech or appearance by the president or any administration or Republican party member. A guard armed with an M-16 machine gun will be present, as will an FBI agent whose job it will be to collect the personal information of all in attendance.

“This proves, I think, the willingness of this administration to compromise with the electorate on issues of personal freedoms and constitutional rights,” the president wrote in the statement. “Yes, it’s true any protest or differing opinion will be expressed miles from the actual event or individual the protest most likely refers to, but let’s not get crazy. We’re not hippies, after all. We’re God’s children, and we love our country and the freedoms it provides. And as such, we don’t protest, and when we do, it’s where no one can hear us.”

For their part, the three individuals removed from Bush’s town hall meeting on Social Security, who were apparently not attempting a protest or demonstration of any kind and were simply trying to attend the event, have not been seen or heard from since yesterday afternoon, possibly because they were transported to the U.S. Naval base at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

Leaving behind secondary concerns like the war in Iraq and a struggling economy, the president boldly stated that stopping class-action lawsuits is now his top priority. “This is a terrible, imminent threat,” the president, who decided to tear down the arts center after speaking in it, said. “I mean, I know I’ll feel much safer when these frivolous litigators are brought to justice. They mean to disable and dismantle and dis…able the very fabric of our great society. And that is that big companies don’t pay ordinary people huge amounts of money.”