“I am voting yes on this bill because on an issue such as this, I felt I must vote my conscience. Or whatever that thing’s called. The thing that tells you what’s right and wrong. Your, your moral center. Whatever they call doing what that thing tells them to do when they vote, that’s what I’m doing.”

Mr. Armon denied that he is now voting for the bill because he has been promised a spot on the House Ethics Committee.

“My vote has nothing whatsoever to do with promises or deals or anything of that nature,” he said. “Unless you count the promise I made to the American people, and the people of Virginia’s 12th district. And my conscience. Then it is about promises. Because when I promise my conscience something, boy, I deliver. I don’t disappoint my conscience. Because, you know, when you disappoint your conscience… you… um… Look, all I know is I’m voting my conscience. Unless that doesn’t mean what I think it means, in which case I’m not doing that.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi would neither confirm or deny that Armon has been offered a spot on the Ethics Committee. She would only say that he was voting for the bill because he thought he was doing the right thing.

“Representative Armon is voting for health care reform because he believes in health care reform,” Pelosi said. “He believes in health care reform in his heart. Or wherever people believe in things.”

“Ms. Palin, being fond of communicating on the social networking sites such as Twitter and Facebook,” the statement read, “is hereby ordered to be put to death in a manner befitting the social networking community. She will be inundated with 140-character tweets, until unable to sustain life.”

In a post on Facebook reacting to the panel’s ruling, Palin wrote, “You see?!?! I told you there were death panels!!!! I was right!!! And they’ve targeted me!!! Your favorite gov!! Help!!!!”

The panel is manned by anonymous bureaucrats whose sole purpose is to euthanize large swaths of the U.S. population, particularly elderly Americans and disabled children and adults, by denying them medical care. However, in Palin’s case, the panel ruled that further action must be taken beyond the usual denial of necessary treatment.

“We must look at a person’s value to society when deciding whether they live or die,” the panel’s statement explained. “And in the case of Gov. Palin, she is not only of no use to society, but she is actually a negative drain on society. Each time she posts a ‘tweet’ or updates her Facebook page, the collective intelligence of the country’s population is lowered significantly. This must stop. She must stop. Her next update will be her last.”

Palin has made headlines throughout the health care reform debate, speaking out against the lack of choice such reform will bring, and most notably, warning Americans about precisely the type of death panel that has just determined her fate.

“Seriously, this isn’t a joke,” Palin wrote on Twitter Monday afternoon, after receiving multiple tweets. In the next post, or tweet, she managed to send, she wrote, “Stop!! Stop tweeting me!! I can’t take much more!!! Pleeeeeaaaassee!!!”

She did not tweet again.

Transcript:

Anchor: Shouts of “Kill the bill” led to the shooting death of a man named Bill, outside the Capitol Building Saturday during an anti-health care reform protest.

Police say the victim was this man, Bill Abernathy, a shoemaker from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. They say he arrived late to the rally, just as protesters were well into one of many rounds of the chant, “Kill the bill.” And then, tragedy.

Detective: What we think happened was the victim approached the crowd, announced his name was Bill, and was promptly shot in the face.

Anchor: Police say Mr. Abernathy was shot not once, but multiple times, by multiple shooters. They have not released the names of any suspects, but say they have several men in custody.

The “bill” the crowd was talking about killing was of course the health care reform legislation being debated inside the Capitol by members of the House of Representatives.

Quickly realizing the mistake they had made, the shooters themselves rushed to aid the wounded man. By the time the ambulance arrived at the scene, he was dead.

When asked how members of the crowd could have made such a mistake, some tea-partiers said it wasn’t that surprising.

Rolland (protester): To me it makes total sense. If they’re yelling, “Kill the bill,” and you show up and say, “Hi, my name is Bill,” you’re going to get shot in the face.

If they were yelling, “Kill the Randall! Kill the Randall!” And I showed up and said, “Hey, my name is Randall,” I might shoot myself in the face.

“You’re in this country illegally, here usurping resources that are meant for tax-paying American citizens,” said House Minority Leader John Boehner of Ohio. “To my mind, that means that you don’t deserve good health. You deserve to be sickened, all the time. Chronically under-the-weather, if you will.”

Democrats in Congress appear to agree. Speaker Nancy Pelosi said, “Health is reserved for Americans who are here legally, who follow the rules that come with being a citizen of the United States. If you’re here illegally, you should not feel good while you’re here.”

Earlier this year, Republican lawmaker Joe Wilson caused an uproar when he accused President Barack Obama of lying about the fact that the health care reform plan favored by the White House would not cover illegal immigrants. The debate has only intensified since then, and lawmakers have felt intense pressure from their constituencies. As a result, they have upped the ante, and declared that illegal immigrants not only will not be able to receive government-provided health care coverage when they are sick or in need of the doctor, but that they will always be sick and always in need of a doctor.

President Obama himself has said such a conclusion “seems only fair.”

“Look, I want everyone to be covered, because I want everyone to live a healthy, productive life, as I’ve said all along,” Mr. Obama said in remarks at the White House. “But when I say ‘everyone,’ I mean everyone here legally. Those here illegally, frankly, I don’t really care if they live a healthy life or they experience acute pain for ten hours a day. It makes no difference to me.”

American taxpayers already foot the bill when illegal immigrants visit emergency rooms or take advantage of Emergency Medicaid. But lawmakers say that’s beside the point.

“The question isn’t, ‘Hey, aren’t we already paying for this anyway?’” said Boehner. “The question is, do these people deserve to have days, weeks of their lives where they are not ill or incapacitated? And the answer is no.r

Senator Kent Conrad, Democrat of North Dakota, said the decision to let the executives shape the legislation was made because so much of the bill is already written to favor the health insurance industry.

“What we figured was, we’re on vacation, and the bill is basically being written for them anyway,” said Conrad. “So while we’re gone, why not have them come in, if they’re willing, and do some work on it themselves? That way we’re that much closer to it being the bill they want when we get back.”

Republican Olympia Snowe of Maine agreed.

“It just makes sense,” she said. “In addition to being able to have the bill move forward during our break, it also saves the step of us having to go in, pretend we’re really negotiating a bill based on what we believe in and what our constituents want, and then call the insurance guys and see if what we’re doing is okay. This way, there’s no discrepancy between what they want in the bill and what is actually in the bill. And the room gets used, which is nice.”

“I think the guy from Aetna’s in my chair,” said Conrad.

The senators also agreed that it was unclear what would happen when they return from vacation.

“I assume we’ll go back to ‘negotiating’ the bill, or whatever you want to call it,” Conrad said. “But that’s only if they want us to. I mean, if they want to stay and keep working on it, that’s fine with me. We’ll hang out and wait till we hear from them. Hopefully they’ll do the whole thing without us.”

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Transcript:

Anchor: Good evening. Tonight a question has emerged: is the health care legislation currently being debated by Congress really out to to choke innocent Americans to death?

A Republican senator says that’s exactly what the intent of the bills is.

Senator Hollander: All of a sudden the bill reached out and put its arms around my neck. I struggled to breathe until managing to free myself with the help of Capitol Police.

I warn the good people of America: these bills are meant to do one thing and one thing only – asphyxiate you.

Anchor: The House version of the health care legislation killed three people and wounded five in a shopping mall in Poughkeepsie yesterday afternoon.