President Bush also blamed faulty intelligence for any wrongdoing on the part of himself or anyone else in his administration. “Look, I’m not a Houdini or a…a David Coppertone. I rely on the intelligence that these guys give me when I start a campaign of deception and propagandizing and embellishment,” Bush said when asked about the report. “But I can only distort what’s given to me. I can’t distort what doesn’t exist. That’s not something I can do. I can’t pull intelligence out of thin air to start a campaign to mislead Americans with. I need something solid to deviate from and embellish and spin into propaganda. Without that, I’m lost. The propaganda version of the set of facts is only as good as the set of facts it starts with. Garbage in, garbage out. There’s nothing I can do about the garbage coming in. I can only hope to get awful good garbage going out. And that’s what I’ve tried to do every day on this job.”

Presumptive Republican nominee for president John McCain also came to the administration’s defense. Speaking to reporters aboard his campaign bus, McCain said, “Hey, I hate war as much as anyone else. More, in fact. I really hate it. Like, really, really. But it exists. It’s there. And sometimes we have to bend the truth or the intelligence we have to get there, to serve the greater good. And in this case, that’s exactly what we needed to do, and I applaud the administration for doing it. We could not allow the North Korean regime to continue its invasion of South Korea. That just could not stand. We had to step in, and if that required some spinning of intelligence, then I say so be it. And I’ll say that to President Truman personally, when I see him.”

Play Quicktime Version »

HENRY:And what I want to talk about today right off the bat is this clip of John McCain that’s been played over and over again. I think it came out late last week. So I want to play you the clip and come back and talk about it. So here’s what he said at this town hall meeting.

McCAIN (recording): My friends, I will have an energy policy, which we will be talking about, which will eliminate our dependence on oil from the Middle East that will–

(applause)

That will then prevent us–That will prevent us from having, ever, to send our young men and women into conflict in the Middle East.

HENRY: Okay, so that’s what he said. And the lib-labs went crazy and got all in an uproar about it. But what they didn’t stop to think about, in between wetting their pants and soiling their diapers, is that there are different kinds of oil. And what you don’t hear about from the liberal media is that Iraq is the number one producer and exporter of olive oil. Okay? They make the stuff like crazy over there. And what John McCain was talking about was the very dangerous U.S. dependence on that olive oil. But you won’t hear about that from the liberal media. You know why? Because, think about it: Who do you think the number one user of olive oil is, as a group? It’s the intellectual, elitist snob circle in New York, L.A. and San Francisco. They use it for their cooking parties, where they talk about how wonderful homosexuality is; they use it for their little book club meetings, their gay pride lunches.

And with that I want to take a call from John in Boston. John, how are you?

CALLER: Fine, but your theory about the olive oil, it makes no sense.

HENRY: Oh, really? That’s interesting.

CALLER: Look, I’m an expert in worldwide crop production. Iraq is not even on the list. Not anywhere.

HENRY: John–John?

CALLER: Yes? Yes? Uh…

HENRY: John, where do you think you’re getting that information from?

CALLER: From my studies, and–

HENRY: No, wrong. From The New York Times, which you and your liberal Boston friends probably gather around and masturbate to–

CALLER: I don’t masturbate.

HENRY: While–While, I might add, cooking in copious, obscene amounts of olive oil. So, actually, it’s you, John, my friend, that are in fact responsible for this dependence, this dangerous dependence on olive oil, which is dragging us into these conflicts in the Middle East, and which John McCain has had the courage to speak about.

CALLER: Why would I masturbate to The New York Times?

HENRY: And with that I want to take a quick break. And we’ll be right back on The Henry “Mack Truck” Harvey Show. Come back.

Today, McCain only furthered suspicion that he might not be as certain of the realities of the ethnic and religious divisions within Iraq and the greater Middle East. “My friends, I’m not the kind of guy to say ‘I told you so,’ but I knew we needed to stop Hitler at Munich. Unfortunately, my warnings were not heeded,” said McCain, who was two years old when the Munich Agreement was signed in 1938. “And now, my friends, the Nazis are in Iraq, making the challenge our troops face there even tougher. And it’s a shame. It’s just a shame. Because we’ve already got the Al Qaeda there. And the Sunni. And the Shia. And the Japanese. It’s just a mess. And it must be very crowded.”

Following the statement, it was a young woman in the audience, not a reporter, who confronted McCain about the inaccuracies in his comments (members of the news media have taken a blood oath never to confront Mr. McCain directly regarding any error or misstatement he may make). “Senator McCain, neither the Nazis nor the Japanese are in Iraq,” the audience member, who did not give her name, pointed out. “I am rather frightened that you don’t know that, or that you’re—that you appear to be confused about these facts. These very important facts.”

McCain shuffled his feet and chuckled a bit. “Well, young lady, everyone is entitled to their opinion, even young people. No, but I’ve been to Iraq several times now, and I know what the truth is on the ground over there. And these roadside bombs that the Nazis are blowing up all over the place, they’re not a figment of my imagination. They’re real. I may be old, but I’m not crazy. You mark my words. If we don’t defeat the Nazis now, they’ll go on and probably invade Poland. I’m telling you.”

“We hate the soldiers, and freedom, and the American way of life,” a statement released by Moveon.org said. “We will do all we can to defeat the evil forces of the occupier, the United States. Praise be to Allah.”

When asked about the attacks, President Bush said, “Moveon.org is a menace, a dangerous threat to freedom. They are closely linked with Al Qaeda, and we have new intelligence that suggests they sought to obtain uranium from Niger.”

“My fellow Americans, tonight I bring you good news,” Bush said. He then reached under his desk and pulled out two puppets, one red, one blue. He put one puppet on each hand and said, “For tonight you are to be blessed with a performance by Mr. Zippy and Miss Doo.”

The president then began acting the part of each puppet, with the red puppet presumably being Mr. Zippy, and the blue puppet Miss Doo. The president gave Mr. Zippy a gruff, gravelly, low-octave voice, and Miss Doo a falsetto-range higher voice. The president seemed to be very committed to his performance.

“‘Hey, Mr. Zippy, do you know why today is a good day?’” the president asked, playing the part of Miss Doo. “‘No, Miss Doo. Why is it a good day?’ ‘Because, Mr. Zippy, today we get to announce that we’re bringing 5700 troops home. Yay!’”

That remark, in the high-pitched voice of Miss Doo, was the only reference the president made to the war in Iraq. He, through the two hand puppets, discussed topics as diverse as spaghetti, the wish to fly, and why dogs are so much better than cats.

After a particularly high-energy exchange between the two puppets, President Bush, giggling and red-faced, seemed to remember that he was live on television in front of millions of viewers. He put the two hand puppets under the desk as he said, “Hope you enjoyed. God bless you. And God bless America.” He then lifted up Miss Doo, and in her voice, yelled, “‘Bye bye! See ya next time!’”

Stunned news anchors like Charles Gibson and Brian Williams were at a complete loss for how to follow the president’s performance/statement.

The White House released a statement shortly following the president’s appearance, which said, in part, “The president thought the nation could use a lift tonight. And what better way to lift the spirits of the nation than with a good, old-fashioned puppet show?”

Contrary to the report’s implications that the performance was somehow planned or intentional, however, witnesses say they observed the president being taken out of the White House and into a waiting ambulance. It was assumed he was being taken to a facility for psychiatric evaluation. One witness said he overheard the president muttering to himself, with a wide, giddy smile, “Mr. Zippy secretly loves Miss Doo. But he’ll never tell her that. No. Never tell her.”

Testifying in front of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, General Howard B. Shannahan said, “Senators, I have to tell you, it’s pretty amazing, this surge that’s happening in my pants. I mean, it’s just working like hell. Just going like gangbusters. And I’m pleased as punch. We all are.”

Senator Joseph Biden of Delaware, the committee’s chairman, responded, “But what does that have to do with Iraq? The troop surge there? The war?”

“Oh, I have no idea,” General Shannahan said, giggling. “Nothing, I guess. I gotta be honest with you, Senator, I’m just too happy about what’s happening in my pants right now to be able to answer any of those kinds of questions intelligently.”

After some additional failed attempts were made to get relevant answers from General Shannahan regarding the troop surge, Mr. Biden was forced to adjourn the committee’s session for the day. Banging his gavel, Biden said, “We’ll reconvene tomorrow morning, and hopefully have something to talk about other than what’s happening in the general’s pants.”

“It’s fantastic!” Shannahan yelled, as the Senators filed out of the hearing room.

“I think, unfortunately, we’re just stretched too thin,” Myers said, “And when we start these new wars, we’re just gonna have to understand that it’s not gonna be a slam dunk like Iraq. It’s gonna take some time, and some people are gonna die. But they’ll be poor. The ones on our side. And on their side… Well, let’s not pretend it matters.”

At the White House, President Bush was asked to respond to the apparent contradiction between Myers’ report to Congress and alleged statements the president said Myers made to him.

In a response during his April 28 primetime press conference to a question regarding troop commitments in Iraq and Afghanistan limiting U.S. military options elsewhere in the world, the president said that Myers told him, “’No,’ he doesn’t feel we’re limited. He feels like we’ve got plenty of capacity.”

Asked yesterday about that answer in light of Myers’s report, which appears to say the opposite, the president said, “Listen to what I said. I said that he said that we had ‘plenty of capacity.’ And we do. I didn’t say what kind of capacity. Maybe I meant capacity to win wars slowly once we get into them. How do you know? Are you a swami or whatever it’s called? A shaman? A salami… bami… What the hell is it called?”

Asked by a reporter whether he has considered not entering into future military conflicts to avoid facing the issue of an overstretched military, the president glared at the reporter for what some reports say was seven minutes. Then he said, “That’s not up to me. Don’t you know that? Don’t you know, by now, that simple thing? It’s up to two people: Evildoers and the Lord Almighty. I’ll ask Him, and I’ll let you know what He says. Not the evildoers. The Lord.”

Asked the same question, Myers responded, “Well, we have to do something. I mean, Afghanistan is so 2001.”

“First, successful elections in Iraq, now I’ve found a way to increase both payment to the families who lose loved ones in the war and the number of total loved ones lost at the same time,” the president said while addressing the press on the White House lawn. “I mean, you know, I’ve always said I’ll tackle the tough ones. And I have. Some people said this couldn’t be done.”

In addition to the jump in payment — the so-called “death gratuity” — families can claim up to $400,000 in life insurance. According to experts, the $12420 gratuity payment was enough to take one child to the dentist twice.

The president acknowledged he’ll need a faster rate of death from Iraqis to reach the 500,000 mark, as it is well over double the current estimate of 140,000 dead Iraqis, but said he had the utmost confidence they would pull through.

With elections in Iraq just a day away, a new poll of administration officials finds confidence in the nouns holding steady at a robust 88%. The findings reflect a 12% dip in confidence since March of 2003, when confidence in the words was at 100% going into the war with Iraq.

When asked if Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, who first relied on the words to describe the coming display or American military prowess, might go out on a limb and use the versatile “shock” as a verb anytime in the near future, White House spokesman Scott McClellan bristled. “Now that is just a typical liberal media question,” he snapped, ending the press briefing.