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HENRY: Yes, this is The Henry “Mack Truck” Harvey Show. Welcome aboard.

Big speech last night by Barack Obama.

Final night of the Democrappic National Convention.

First caller is Dale from Ventura, California. Dale, you’re on with The Mack Truck.

CALLER: Yeah, I just–I’m wondering how you think McCain should respond to such a big speech. I mean, how does he respond?

HENRY: I’ll tell you how he responds. He says… My fellow Americans, I have a flesh-eating virus, and I have three days to live.

In fact, much of my flesh is already gone, or at least it’s not where it used to be.

I ask for your support in this great time of need, and I ask you to carry on my legacy by voting for me in November.

And the money would just come pouring in, and the support would come pouring in, and people would be crying. It would be unbelievable.

CALLER: Why would people vote for someone who’s going to be dead in November?

HENRY: Because he won’t be dead. “Oh, miraculously, we have discovered a cure for this particular type of flesh-eating virus. A mixture of seaweed, rice, and raw fish–

CALLER: That’s sushi.

HENRY: A mixture of seaweed and Robitussin has miraculously reversed the effects of this horrible virus.

It doesn’t taste good, but boy does it do a job on that flesh-eating viruses.

And John McCain now has his flesh back.

And it’s a younger, more vigorous flesh because it’s a new flesh.

Aren’t you glad you didn’t stop supporting him?

And, and you say the seaweed that was found was found by drilling offshore. So it’s a win-win.

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ANNOUNCER: Like a Mack Truck, except filled with truth, it’s The Henry “Mack Truck” Harvey Show.

HENRY: Yes, this is The Henry “Mack Truck” Harvey Show. Welcome. I want to talk today about a big story last week. John McCain was asked how many homes he owns and he said he’d have to have his staff get back to the reporter, which many people took to mean he didn’t know how many homes he had. And the libby-labs jumped up and down and touched themselves.

The point is this: old people forget things. It’s part of being old. John McCain is old. This doesn’t make him elitist. It doesn’t make him out of touch. It makes him old.

And to prove this point, that old people forget things, we have on the phone right now my grandfather, from New Jersey. Grandpa Harvey.

Hey Grandpa, how are you?

CALLER: What? Who the hell is this?

HENRY: It’s Henry, Grandpa. Your grandson.

CALLER: My grandson? Oh, Stevie?

HENRY: No, no. Stevie’s my older brother. This is Henry, Grandpa. See what I mean? He doesn’t remember.

CALLER: Henry? Oh, yeah, yeah, Henry. Okay, yeah, yeah. The dumb one. Okay, yeah.

HENRY: The–Wh–Henry’s not the dumb one, Grandpa.

CALLER: Yeah, yeah, Henry. You said you’re Henry, right? Am I talking to Henry?

HENRY: No, no, I am Henry. But Henry’s not the dumb one.

CALLER: Oh, yes, he is. Yes, he is. He came out ass-first out of his mother. Ass-first. And we all knew then. We knew.

HENRY: (laughs) I-I don’t think you know what you’re saying here, Grandpa.

CALLER: No, I do know. You don’t know. You don’t know.

HENRY: No, I was–I was never called dumb.

CALLER: Yes, you were. You were called many things. Uh, dumb, blockhead, dim-wit.

HENRY: I don’t think so.

CALLER: Don’t tell me. I’ll come there and slap your face. I’ll slap it.

HENRY: No, I’m just saying, I don’t–I don’t think you’re right about this.

CALLER: That’s because Because you’re dumb.

HENRY: No, no. I mean–

CALLER: Hey, what time is it? What time is it?

HENRY: It’s a little after 11:00.

CALLER: Oh, it’s my lunchtime. I gotta go. I gotta go.

HENRY: But we’re on the radio here, Grandpa. I have a radio show that you’re on–

CALLER: You have a what? You have a ladle of your own? Well, congratulations. What do you want, a prize of some kind? What the hell do I care if you have a ladle of your own? Jesus Christ.

HENRY: No, no–

(Caller hangs up.)

HENRY: He’s gone?

Okay, we’re going to take a short break on The Henry “Mack Truck” Harvey Show. We’ll come right back. Come back after this. Thanks.

That went well.

End Transcript

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Senator John McCain piloting the F-18 Hornet he used to single-handedly invade Iran.

McCain, a Navy fighter pilot in the Vietnam War, said he “was just sick of waiting around” and decided to take on the invasion himself. No other U.S. military personnel participated in the invasion, and it was “wholly unauthorized,” according to a statement released by the U.S. Navy. The statement went on, “Neither the United States Navy nor any other branch of the U.S. military ordered this invasion, which was solely the work of Senator McCain. We cannot speak to what Senator McCain was thinking in undertaking such a mission, but we feel fortunate that he did no substantial damage and caused no serious injuries. Except for the camel, of course.”

McCain dropped bombs on what he thought were two “targets.” The first was what he thought was a newly constructed nuclear reactor, and the second was the home of Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. In fact, McCain had dropped the first set of bombs into the cluster of camels, then somehow circled around and dropped the second set of bombs on the camels again. Reports indicate the same camel was injured both times.

“I think I definitely hit Ahmadinejad’s house, though I can’t be sure,” McCain said. “Visibility was pretty low, but that was mainly because the goggles fell down into my mouth and then my eyes teared up. So I just started dropping those suckers. But I was near his house, I think. I was near something. Something that seemed like a house. And the first target was definitely a nuclear reactor of some kind, that I could tell was being constructed. And that one, I blew to smithereens.”

Reporters told McCain he had only wounded a camel, twice, and that no worthwhile military targets were hit or were even nearby. They showed him a copy of the Navy statement.

“A camel?” McCain asked in disbelief, after reading the statement. “No, no. That was no camel, my friends. One target was a nuclear reactor, and the other was a house that I believe one outspoken Iranian president lives in. Or at least…used to live in.” McCain then chuckled.

“This proposal is wrongheaded and is not a long-term solution of any kind to our energy problems,” McCain told reporters aboard his campaign bus. “I believe Senator McCain said yesterday that nuclear energy is safe and clean and therefore is a viable alternative to fossil fuels. But I haven’t seen enough evidence that the storage problems and the safety problems are all worked out. So I think it’s just a mistake to propose such a thing, at least at this point.”

When reporters pointed out that the “McCain” in question was actually him, Mr. McCain laughed, as if the reporters were playing some kind of joke. “Well, that’s an interesting way to look at it. I like your sense of humor,” McCain said. “That I am Senator McCain myself… That’s a funny way to look at it. But no, thankfully, it’s not true. And one of the reasons it’s not true is that I would never suggest something like this. So we’re just worlds apart, the Senator and myself.”

A reporter then showed McCain the front page of one of today’s newspapers, which had a picture of McCain next to the headline, “McCain Proposes U.S. Build New Nuclear Plants.”

“Uh huh, uh huh,” McCain said, nodding, looking at the article. “Yeah, well, there you go. It’s in print. What he proposed. So he can’t back away from it now.”

The reporter said, “No, no. That’s–That’s you in the picture, Senator. That’s you there.”

McCain looked at the reporter and laughed again. He said, “My good man, please. With all due respect, I am much more handsome than Senator McCain. I may not know everything, but I know that much.”

“We specialize in telling Congress the tough truth about lobbying and lobbyists,” said James K. Laymon, a spokesman for the group. “And that is that that the lobbying that goes on in Washington, D.C. perverts our process, incapacitates the average American, and does no less than soil our great democracy.” When asked about the apparent irony of a lobbying firm professing the evils of lobbying, Layman said, “What? I don’t think I heard you. What was that word you used? ‘I-ron-knee?’ Never heard of it. No idea what you’re talking about.”

For his part, Senator McCain sees no hypocrisy at play in his hiring of the firm, either. “I don’t see any hypocrisy or irony in it whatsoever,” McCain said while traveling on his campaign bus, the Straight Talk Express. “I am committed to ending the culture of catering to lobbies and special interests in Washington. And that is why I hired this firm, to go give some straight talk to Congress and let them know the truth about these lobbyists. And they know. Because they’re lobbyists. I can’t imagine a better qualification for the job. You want to have someone talk about how bad lobbyists are, who are you going to get? A nun? A schoolteacher? A longshoreman? No. You’re going to get a lobbyist. You guys are really complicating a very simple issue. I am anti-lobbyist, so I hired a lobbying firm to fight lobbyists. Where’s the confusion?”

Recently McCain has had to let go campaign members tied to lobbyists, and others in his campaign have had to end their relationships with lobbying firms in order to remain with the campaign. McCain addressed the perception that he is as tied to lobbyists as many in Washington politics. “I know lobbyists, yes, of course,” McCain said, chuckling. “But that doesn’t mean I like them or I work closely with them. I mean, yes, they were on my campaign, but that doesn’t mean I was close to them. I sat very far away from them at the lunch table. If you were there you would have seen. There was just, there were miles of space in between me and those guys. Really. Miles. So much space.”

Mr. Obama quit Trinity United Church of Christ after video surfaced of Rev. Michael Pfleger mocking Hillary Clinton during a guest sermon there. The video quickly gained momentum on the internet. This was in addition to the already damaging controversy surrounding videos of statements made by Rev. Jeremiah Wright, and it proved to be the last straw for Obama and his relationship to the church. Following a campaign stop, he spoke to reporters about why it might be that pastors who make such statements seem to gravitate towards him.

“I don’t know why it is, honestly,” Obama said. “I mean, I must have some kind of look or something that says, ‘Hey, bat-shit crazy pastor, come to me. Over here.’ I don’t know. Michelle thinks it’s maybe my cologne. But I don’t think so. I think it’s more a feeling. Like a tractor beam. A tractor beam for loopdie-loo pastors.”

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton seized on the new controversy surrounding Obama, saying to reporters while campaigning in San Jian, Puerto Rico, “Well, I think after a while you have to start asking what it is about this man that attracts these kind of pastors or religious leaders or what have you. I mean, you don’t see pastors of mine on YouTube saying these crazy things. Now, granted, my spiritual mentor is Billy Graham, and he’s around a thousand years old, but still…”

Arizona Senator John McCain, the presumptive Republican candidate for president, also chimed in on the issue. Speaking to reporters on his campaign bus, the Straight Talk Express, McCain said, “Well, again, I don’t know these people personally, but I think it reflects on the person himself when figures who have been a part of his life, or endorsed him or something like that, make these kind of inflammatory remarks.” Reporters then reminded the senator that he recently rejected the support of not one, but two pastors, for inflammatory comments of their own. “I did what now? You’re saying I rejected someone? When? When did that happen? Last week? No, no. Impossible. Last week, I was… I was on vacation all week with my wife. In Tahiti.” Joe Lieberman, who appeared at McCain’s side seemingly from nowhere, then whispered in the candidate’s ear. After listening for a moment, McCain said, “Actually, uh, I wasn’t in Tahiti, on vacation, last week, as you all know. And I know. I mean, obviously I know I was campaigning last week. In America. Somewhere…in America. Because I’m running for president in America. So clearly I couldn’t have been in Tahiti. But wherever I was in America, you can be sure I wasn’t rejecting the support of any pastor or religious figure who said anything offensive. I can assure you of that.”

Once again, Lieberman whispered in McCain’s ear. McCain listened, then turned back to reporters and said, “Uh, of course, you and I both know that I did reject the support of two pastors last week. You and I also know that I was kidding just now when I said I hadn’t, just as I was kidding when I said I was in Tahiti a minute before that. I do…I do a lot of kidding. It keeps the campaign light. And fun. I am still campaigning, right? It’s not November, is it?”

“It was just a decision I made from my gut, based on what I believe in,” McCain said after leaving the deli. “I didn’t want turkey and avocado, and no matter what anyone else thought, I was going to order what I wanted. And what I wanted was tuna salad.” McCain was with a group of approximately 12 people, mostly members of his campaign staff. They came to the deli for lunch following a campaign meeting at McCain’s Sedona ranch. Cindy McCain did not join them, as she is not allowed to eat.

Patrons who witnessed McCain’s courageous ordering were awed. “You know, you hear about his reputation, him being this guy who’ll do the unpopular thing, the brave thing,” said 27-year-old Alex Drimmel, who was in line behind McCain and his party. “But to see it up close, in person, just this courage all over the place. I mean, wow. It was…it was palpable. The courage. And so was the tuna salad.”

Later in the day, the McCain campaign issued a statement which referenced the event at the deli. The statement pointedly challenged Democratic Senators Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. “We wonder whether Senators Obama and Clinton would have had the courage, the confidence to make as bold a choice as Senator McCain made today. We think not. In fact, we’re fairly certain there would merely have been two more orders for the turkey and avocado special, had the two Democratic senators been in attendance.” The statement, written by McCain campaign spokesman Tucker Bounds, went on to say, “These are the kind of bold choices Senator McCain is ready to make for this country. Turkey and avocado won’t get us back to where we need to be as a nation. Senator McCain knows that and is willing to make the better choice.”

The first troubling incident came when a young woman asked a question of the Senator. She began, “My name is Marjorie Addams,” and then continued to ask a question about the solvency of Social Security. Mr. McCain’s reply was, “Thank you, Robert, for that question. And I admired your work in Zodiac very much.” He then went on to answer the question, amid murmurs in the crowd.

The next person to ask a question was a middle-aged man named David Meems. McCain pointed to a standing Meems and said, “Yes, Mr. Downey, Jr. You have a question?”

John McCain chats with attendees, following a town hall meeting in which he referred to everyone present as Robert Downey, Jr.

Meems, assuming the Senator was engaged in some kind of running joke, chuckled and said, “Yes, I do. But my name is David Meems, not Robert Downey, Jr.”

McCain responded, “Right. And my name’s Bugs Bunny. Go ahead and ask your question, Robert.”

And it went on, McCain calling another few questioners by the name Robert Downey, Jr., including one ten-year-old, to whom he said, “You, my friend, have aged extremely well. It’s uncanny.” He mentioned his battle in the fall with “the man I assume to be the Democratic nominee, Robert Downey, Jr.” Mr. McCain was likely referring to Barack Obama.

Finally, McCain’s campaign manager Rick Davis walked over to McCain and whispered in his ear. McCain listened, then took up his microphone and said to the crowd, “Uh, my friends, my campaign manager Robert Downey, Jr. tells me we have to get to an urgent meeting that is vital to national security. I’m so sorry to cut this short, but I have to head back to Washington and meet with Defense Secretary Robert Downey, Jr., and Secretary of State Downey, Jr. So I am sorry. Hopefully we’ll be able to come back here real soon. And I want to thank Robert Downey, Jr. and the VFW for having us. Thanks so much.”

And with that, McCain left the hall to a deafening, confused silence. There is skepticism in many circles, including the Clinton and Obama campaigns, as to whether there was, in fact, an urgent national security meeting in Washington. Nevertheless, Mr. McCain was quickly swept away to a waiting private jet. Witnesses say they heard him yelling to one of his aides over the sound of the airplane’s engines, “I’m very excited to see you in Iron Man, son. It looks like a barrel of fun.”

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ANNOUNCER: Like a Mack Truck, except filled with truth, it’s The Henry “Mack Truck” Harvey Show.

HENRY: Yes, this is The Henry “Mack Truck” Harvey Show. Welcome.

What I want to talk about today is the difference between two pastors. First pastor is Barack Obama’s pastor, of course, Jeremiah Wright. Second pastor is John Hagee, the pastor that endorsed John McCain. And there’s been a lot of debate about these two guys, and I don’t want to talk about the normal thing people talk about, which is who said what and what’s the more controversial thing, and which one of the two is more controversial, are they equally controversial? I want to talk about a difference that is much less talked about and much more important, in my opinion. And that is this: John Hagee is fat. He’s very fat. He’s like a human circle. And Reverend Wright, on the other hand, is actually in pretty good shape. He’s actually–especially for his age, he’s rather fit. So with Reverend Wright, there’s actually a threat there, that if he wanted to start a violent revolution of some kind, lead a violent revolution, he could actually do it. He has the physical strength, the stamina. He’s in good enough shape to do it. Pastor Hagee? I don’t think so. I think, if he was leading a revolution, all you’d have to do is hold out a cheese steak, and whatever revolution he would undertaking, he would stop and sit and devour that cheese steak. So I know, with Pastor Hagee, he’s no threat to me. You ask me who of the two is more dangerous and more of a threat, I say Reverend Wright over Pastor
Hagee because Pastor Hagee’s not a threat to me, because I’m not a pile of scalloped potatoes. You see?

But I want to see what you think. Let’s go to the phones. The first caller is Dennis from Portland, Oregon. Dennis, how are you?

CALLER: Hagee said that Katrina was a punishment for New Orleans’ level of sin.

HENRY: Right, but you’re missing the much larger point here, which is him. He is the larger point. He is very large. He’s huge. And he’s a threat to no one who can run or walk briskly.

CALLER: So what does that mean, you’re going to ignore everything he said? All the things he said?

HENRY: No, look. You’re getting caught up in minutiae here, okay? The point is, he says crazy things, yes. He does. He’s said some controversial things. But the important thing is, is he a threat to you in any way? No. Not unless you’re standing in front of the buffet table. And if you were, I’d say, “Listen, Man, you gotta clear a hole for this guy or you’re risking serious bodily harm.” But otherwise, no, he’s not a threat to you. So you just leave him alone, and he’ll leave you alone. You don’t dress like a hot dog, you’re probably in the clear.

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HENRY:And what I want to talk about today right off the bat is this clip of John McCain that’s been played over and over again. I think it came out late last week. So I want to play you the clip and come back and talk about it. So here’s what he said at this town hall meeting.

McCAIN (recording): My friends, I will have an energy policy, which we will be talking about, which will eliminate our dependence on oil from the Middle East that will–

(applause)

That will then prevent us–That will prevent us from having, ever, to send our young men and women into conflict in the Middle East.

HENRY: Okay, so that’s what he said. And the lib-labs went crazy and got all in an uproar about it. But what they didn’t stop to think about, in between wetting their pants and soiling their diapers, is that there are different kinds of oil. And what you don’t hear about from the liberal media is that Iraq is the number one producer and exporter of olive oil. Okay? They make the stuff like crazy over there. And what John McCain was talking about was the very dangerous U.S. dependence on that olive oil. But you won’t hear about that from the liberal media. You know why? Because, think about it: Who do you think the number one user of olive oil is, as a group? It’s the intellectual, elitist snob circle in New York, L.A. and San Francisco. They use it for their cooking parties, where they talk about how wonderful homosexuality is; they use it for their little book club meetings, their gay pride lunches.

And with that I want to take a call from John in Boston. John, how are you?

CALLER: Fine, but your theory about the olive oil, it makes no sense.

HENRY: Oh, really? That’s interesting.

CALLER: Look, I’m an expert in worldwide crop production. Iraq is not even on the list. Not anywhere.

HENRY: John–John?

CALLER: Yes? Yes? Uh…

HENRY: John, where do you think you’re getting that information from?

CALLER: From my studies, and–

HENRY: No, wrong. From The New York Times, which you and your liberal Boston friends probably gather around and masturbate to–

CALLER: I don’t masturbate.

HENRY: While–While, I might add, cooking in copious, obscene amounts of olive oil. So, actually, it’s you, John, my friend, that are in fact responsible for this dependence, this dangerous dependence on olive oil, which is dragging us into these conflicts in the Middle East, and which John McCain has had the courage to speak about.

CALLER: Why would I masturbate to The New York Times?

HENRY: And with that I want to take a quick break. And we’ll be right back on The Henry “Mack Truck” Harvey Show. Come back.

Today, McCain only furthered suspicion that he might not be as certain of the realities of the ethnic and religious divisions within Iraq and the greater Middle East. “My friends, I’m not the kind of guy to say ‘I told you so,’ but I knew we needed to stop Hitler at Munich. Unfortunately, my warnings were not heeded,” said McCain, who was two years old when the Munich Agreement was signed in 1938. “And now, my friends, the Nazis are in Iraq, making the challenge our troops face there even tougher. And it’s a shame. It’s just a shame. Because we’ve already got the Al Qaeda there. And the Sunni. And the Shia. And the Japanese. It’s just a mess. And it must be very crowded.”

Following the statement, it was a young woman in the audience, not a reporter, who confronted McCain about the inaccuracies in his comments (members of the news media have taken a blood oath never to confront Mr. McCain directly regarding any error or misstatement he may make). “Senator McCain, neither the Nazis nor the Japanese are in Iraq,” the audience member, who did not give her name, pointed out. “I am rather frightened that you don’t know that, or that you’re—that you appear to be confused about these facts. These very important facts.”

McCain shuffled his feet and chuckled a bit. “Well, young lady, everyone is entitled to their opinion, even young people. No, but I’ve been to Iraq several times now, and I know what the truth is on the ground over there. And these roadside bombs that the Nazis are blowing up all over the place, they’re not a figment of my imagination. They’re real. I may be old, but I’m not crazy. You mark my words. If we don’t defeat the Nazis now, they’ll go on and probably invade Poland. I’m telling you.”