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HENRY: Yes, this is the Henry “Mack Truck” Harvey Show. Welcome aboard.

Had a little break there. Short hiatus after the election.

Don’t worry. Nothing’s wrong. Nothing’s wrong here. I wasn’t losing my mind or anything like that. I didn’t have a “breakdown,” or whatever the liberal elites on the coasts call it.

I’m not angry at all. Really okay, fine.

First caller is Dave from Silver Lake. Dave, go ahead. You’re on with The Mack Truck.

CALLER: Yeah, I just want to say, I voted for Obama, and–

HENRY: Wait, you–Dave, you voted for Obama?

Dave, just give me one reason–Just give me one reason why you voted for Obama.

CALLER: I thought he had a better grasp on the economy, and–

HENRY: Oh, yeah. “Better grasp on the economy.” Yeah, yeah. That’s a good theory. Let me tell you something, Dave. Voting for Obama, you know what that is? That’s Country Third. Voting for McCain, Country First. Voting for Obama, Country Third.

CALLER: Oh, is that so?

HENRY: Yeah, it is. Voting for Obama puts the country behind Socialism, Marxism, and spreading the wealth around.

CALLER: Well, that would be country fourth. So you don’t even know what you’re talking about.

HENRY: Oh, I don’t know what I’m talking about? Let me tell you what I’m talking about, Dave, okay? We could have had a beautiful Alaskan princess in the White House! She could have been Vice President! She would have been on TV every day! I could have seen her every day. And everyone wants change, change, change. Kick, ball, change. All over the place, blah, blah, change, change. You know what’s change? A hot, Alaskan, moose hunting mama in the White House. That’s change I can believe in!

CALLER: I thought you weren’t angry.

HENRY: I’m upset! It’s different!

The short length and less than ideal time slot were all the McCain campaign could afford, according to chief strategist Steve Schmidt. “We’re a bit strapped right now, it’s true,” said Schmidt. “But you know what? We’re going to make the most out of these three seconds. It’s going to feel like almost five seconds, with all the stuff we’re packing in there.”

Schmidt refused to reveal many details about the ad, but did say it will most likely feature Senator McCain holding a sign rather than reading any text aloud, as there would probably not be enough time for any ideas to be expressed verbally. “We are going to show the American people that John McCain is the smart choice in this election,” Schmidt said. “That he has the experience, the know-how and the courage to lead this nation. And that Barack Obama does not have the necessary experience. We’re going to say all that in three seconds, and we’re going to do it without fancy video editing or cinematography. All we need are some magic markers, some construction paper, and some great ideas for this nation.”

Philadelphia International Airport – Republican Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin is trying to explain why she pushed Republican Presidential nominee John McCain off Mr. McCain’s campaign plane early this morning. Governor Palin, who first said Mr. McCain “fell out of the plane somehow,” now claims that she did, in fact, push him out of the plane, but says her doing so was an accident.

At approximately 9:50 AM EST, while Senator McCain and Governor Palin were the only two passengers aboard the campaign plane, the main cabin’s door suddenly flew open, and Mr. McCain was hurtled into the air outside. He began plummeting to earth, surviving only because an escort plane was flying below the campaign plane and caught the senator’s fall. The crew aboard the escort plane retrieved Senator McCain from the plane’s roof, and then both the escort plane and the campaign plane landed safely at Philadelphia International Airport. A reporter for the Associated Press said he heard Senator McCain say “She pushed me out,” before being rushed to the hospital for examination.

Once confronted with Mr. McCain’s statement, Governor Palin, who first said Mr. McCain had fallen out of the plane of his own accord, admitted that she did in fact push him out of the plane. However, she says it was purely accidental.

“I guess I must have been walking by, and must have bumped him with my hips or something,” Palin explained to a group of reporters after deplaning. “Kind of cross-checked him, if you know hockey terminology there. But it was totally accidental.” Asked how the door to the plane had opened, Palin said, “Jeez, you know, I have no idea. Maybe Senator McCain hit it by mistake. Not sure there. Did he…did he say anything about that? No? Okay, good. I mean, you know, not good that he didn’t say anything. Just…good. You know. That he will speak soon. That’s always a good thing. When people can speak, where they couldn’t before. I’ve always thought that was great. But did the senator say anything else? About the…the thingee that happened? Any other details?”

Spokesman for the McCain campaign, Tucker Bounds, said that it would be at least a few hours before Mr. McCain was able to make any further comment. Asked if she realized the incident might seem suspicious, coming as it does on the heels of recent reports of Palin breaking with the McCain campaign and going out on her own, Palin scoffed. “I’ve seen some of those reports, and let me tell you, they’re just flat-out untrue,” Palin said. “Just a bunch of cockamamie baloney. I want nothing more than for John McCain to reach the White House as president. Now, does anyone know when he’s supposed to be able to talk? Like, are we talking an hour, a day, what?”

According to rules laid down by the Republican Party, Palin would not automatically become the party’s nominee, should Senator McCain be unable to serve as the nominee. It would go the Republican National Committee, who would have five days to come to a decision regarding a new nominee.

Told about this fact, Palin said, “What? What do you mean? I wouldn’t be the… Ha. Well, that’s all well and good. Because, as you know, I don’t want to be the nominee. I want to be second-in-command. That’s the job I was asked to do by Senator McCain, and it’s a job I intend to give my all to. Now, do any of you know which hospital Senator McCain was taken to? And the quickest route to get there?”

Hempstead, NY – The third and final debate between presidential candidates John McCain and Barack Obama abruptly ended when Senator McCain shocked the crowd in attendance and those watching at home, by suddenly picking up moderator Bob Schieffer of CBS News and hurling him at Senator Obama. A flailing Schieffer knocked Obama off his chair, and the two men fell to the ground. Obama sprang up, helped Schieffer to his feet and rather angrily asked McCain what it was he was doing. McCain giggled and chortled, muttering, “Gotcha,” over and over again. Mr. McCain was quickly escorted off the stage by campaign aides. A shaken but apparently unhurt Schieffer apologized to the crowd and pronounced the debate finished.

McCain spokesman Tucker Bounds was asked about the senator’s behavior. “You know, people said he was too timid in previous debates,” Bounds said. “Well, not tonight. This is how close to home the problems of the American people hit John McCain. He gets so angry, he picks up a legendary news anchor and hurls him at his opponent. That’s fire. That’s dedication.”

“It happened before we realized it,” said a McCain staffer who wished to remain nameless. “Senator Obama was speaking, and I guess we were all watching him. And Senator McCain — he can be a stealthy little guy when he wants to be. He sort of drifted off the stage and somehow exited the auditorium. And then he must have walked down the hall and around the corner, and he ended up in the physics classroom. When we finally found him, he looked up at us and said, ‘The particles, my friends. It’s all about the particles.’ We took him back to the auditorium.”

Professor Arnold Kamsky, who was giving the lecture at the time Senator McCain wandered into the classroom, said the class was a make-up for one that had to be canceled in September. Professor Kansky said he didn’t know what to think when he saw Mr. McCain take a seat in the fifth row of the lecture hall.

“He was smiling, and he seemed very pleased to be there,” Mr. Kamsky said. “He listened attentively. I didn’t know if it was some kind of political thing or if he actually wanted to come see the lecture. But at one point he raised his hand and asked if the material would be on the exam.”

Steve Schmidt, the McCain campaign’s chief strategist, told reporters that the incident was not a case of Senator McCain losing his bearings or forgetting where he was. “He was tired, frankly, of listening to the same old empty rhetoric from Senator Obama,” Schmidt said. “So, being the maverick that he is, he went to the physics lecture and absorbed information that he thought would be helpful to the American people. Senator Obama talked a lot earlier in this campaign about how the president will have to be able to multitask. How about this for multitasking? John McCain can participate in a presidential debate and learn about physics at the same time. I don’t see Senator Obama doing that kind of thing.”

Senator McCain was asked what he learned in his short time in the classroom. He said, “Classroom? My friend, I don’t know if you noticed, but there was a debate going on tonight. A Senator Obama and an older gentlemen were debating in front of a crowd here. It was very exciting.”

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HENRY: Yes, this is The Henry “Mack Truck” Harvey Show. Welcome.

McCain is up in the polls, thanks to the Sarah Palin bounce.

First caller is Alan from Lancaster. Alan, go ahead.

CALLER: Yeah, I think Palin’s just a complete sham. She’s not what she says she is.

Like, on the environment. She’s not Green. She’s in favor of hunting wolves from helicopters.

HENRY: So? So am I.

CALLER: You’re in favor of hunting wolves from helicopters?

HENRY: I’m in favor of hunting wolves from anywhere.

What’s so great about wolves?

They eat people.

You know, I wasn’t going to go into this, because it’s a very intensely personal story, but my grandmother, when I was a boy, was eaten by a wolf.

There I was with my basket of goodies for grandma, walking through the forest, and when I get to Grandma’s house, there’s no grandma; there’s just a wolf.

CALLER: That’s “Little Red Riding Hood.”

HENRY: He ate my grandmother. Imagine that. Imagine being told that a wolf ate your grandmother. Imagine being told by the wolf.

Terrible.

CALLER: That’s a children’s story. It’s a fairy tale.

HENRY: Well, to this child, it was very real, my friend. Very real.

It was no fairy tale. No children’s story. Oh, yeah, what a great story. Remember the one about when Grandma got eaten? Tell me that one again, mommy. Tell me how she’s in the small intestine, being digested. I love that story.

CALLER: This is insane.

HENRY: I say get ‘em, and get ‘em good. And this one’s for grandma, you sons of bitches.

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ANNOUNCER: Like a Mack Truck, except filled with truth, it’s The Henry “Mack Truck” Harvey Show.

HENRY: Yes, this is The Henry “Mack Truck” Harvey Show. Welcome. I want to talk today about a big story last week. John McCain was asked how many homes he owns and he said he’d have to have his staff get back to the reporter, which many people took to mean he didn’t know how many homes he had. And the libby-labs jumped up and down and touched themselves.

The point is this: old people forget things. It’s part of being old. John McCain is old. This doesn’t make him elitist. It doesn’t make him out of touch. It makes him old.

And to prove this point, that old people forget things, we have on the phone right now my grandfather, from New Jersey. Grandpa Harvey.

Hey Grandpa, how are you?

CALLER: What? Who the hell is this?

HENRY: It’s Henry, Grandpa. Your grandson.

CALLER: My grandson? Oh, Stevie?

HENRY: No, no. Stevie’s my older brother. This is Henry, Grandpa. See what I mean? He doesn’t remember.

CALLER: Henry? Oh, yeah, yeah, Henry. Okay, yeah, yeah. The dumb one. Okay, yeah.

HENRY: The–Wh–Henry’s not the dumb one, Grandpa.

CALLER: Yeah, yeah, Henry. You said you’re Henry, right? Am I talking to Henry?

HENRY: No, no, I am Henry. But Henry’s not the dumb one.

CALLER: Oh, yes, he is. Yes, he is. He came out ass-first out of his mother. Ass-first. And we all knew then. We knew.

HENRY: (laughs) I-I don’t think you know what you’re saying here, Grandpa.

CALLER: No, I do know. You don’t know. You don’t know.

HENRY: No, I was–I was never called dumb.

CALLER: Yes, you were. You were called many things. Uh, dumb, blockhead, dim-wit.

HENRY: I don’t think so.

CALLER: Don’t tell me. I’ll come there and slap your face. I’ll slap it.

HENRY: No, I’m just saying, I don’t–I don’t think you’re right about this.

CALLER: That’s because Because you’re dumb.

HENRY: No, no. I mean–

CALLER: Hey, what time is it? What time is it?

HENRY: It’s a little after 11:00.

CALLER: Oh, it’s my lunchtime. I gotta go. I gotta go.

HENRY: But we’re on the radio here, Grandpa. I have a radio show that you’re on–

CALLER: You have a what? You have a ladle of your own? Well, congratulations. What do you want, a prize of some kind? What the hell do I care if you have a ladle of your own? Jesus Christ.

HENRY: No, no–

(Caller hangs up.)

HENRY: He’s gone?

Okay, we’re going to take a short break on The Henry “Mack Truck” Harvey Show. We’ll come right back. Come back after this. Thanks.

That went well.

End Transcript

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Senator John McCain piloting the F-18 Hornet he used to single-handedly invade Iran.

McCain, a Navy fighter pilot in the Vietnam War, said he “was just sick of waiting around” and decided to take on the invasion himself. No other U.S. military personnel participated in the invasion, and it was “wholly unauthorized,” according to a statement released by the U.S. Navy. The statement went on, “Neither the United States Navy nor any other branch of the U.S. military ordered this invasion, which was solely the work of Senator McCain. We cannot speak to what Senator McCain was thinking in undertaking such a mission, but we feel fortunate that he did no substantial damage and caused no serious injuries. Except for the camel, of course.”

McCain dropped bombs on what he thought were two “targets.” The first was what he thought was a newly constructed nuclear reactor, and the second was the home of Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. In fact, McCain had dropped the first set of bombs into the cluster of camels, then somehow circled around and dropped the second set of bombs on the camels again. Reports indicate the same camel was injured both times.

“I think I definitely hit Ahmadinejad’s house, though I can’t be sure,” McCain said. “Visibility was pretty low, but that was mainly because the goggles fell down into my mouth and then my eyes teared up. So I just started dropping those suckers. But I was near his house, I think. I was near something. Something that seemed like a house. And the first target was definitely a nuclear reactor of some kind, that I could tell was being constructed. And that one, I blew to smithereens.”

Reporters told McCain he had only wounded a camel, twice, and that no worthwhile military targets were hit or were even nearby. They showed him a copy of the Navy statement.

“A camel?” McCain asked in disbelief, after reading the statement. “No, no. That was no camel, my friends. One target was a nuclear reactor, and the other was a house that I believe one outspoken Iranian president lives in. Or at least…used to live in.” McCain then chuckled.

“This proposal is wrongheaded and is not a long-term solution of any kind to our energy problems,” McCain told reporters aboard his campaign bus. “I believe Senator McCain said yesterday that nuclear energy is safe and clean and therefore is a viable alternative to fossil fuels. But I haven’t seen enough evidence that the storage problems and the safety problems are all worked out. So I think it’s just a mistake to propose such a thing, at least at this point.”

When reporters pointed out that the “McCain” in question was actually him, Mr. McCain laughed, as if the reporters were playing some kind of joke. “Well, that’s an interesting way to look at it. I like your sense of humor,” McCain said. “That I am Senator McCain myself… That’s a funny way to look at it. But no, thankfully, it’s not true. And one of the reasons it’s not true is that I would never suggest something like this. So we’re just worlds apart, the Senator and myself.”

A reporter then showed McCain the front page of one of today’s newspapers, which had a picture of McCain next to the headline, “McCain Proposes U.S. Build New Nuclear Plants.”

“Uh huh, uh huh,” McCain said, nodding, looking at the article. “Yeah, well, there you go. It’s in print. What he proposed. So he can’t back away from it now.”

The reporter said, “No, no. That’s–That’s you in the picture, Senator. That’s you there.”

McCain looked at the reporter and laughed again. He said, “My good man, please. With all due respect, I am much more handsome than Senator McCain. I may not know everything, but I know that much.”

“We specialize in telling Congress the tough truth about lobbying and lobbyists,” said James K. Laymon, a spokesman for the group. “And that is that that the lobbying that goes on in Washington, D.C. perverts our process, incapacitates the average American, and does no less than soil our great democracy.” When asked about the apparent irony of a lobbying firm professing the evils of lobbying, Layman said, “What? I don’t think I heard you. What was that word you used? ‘I-ron-knee?’ Never heard of it. No idea what you’re talking about.”

For his part, Senator McCain sees no hypocrisy at play in his hiring of the firm, either. “I don’t see any hypocrisy or irony in it whatsoever,” McCain said while traveling on his campaign bus, the Straight Talk Express. “I am committed to ending the culture of catering to lobbies and special interests in Washington. And that is why I hired this firm, to go give some straight talk to Congress and let them know the truth about these lobbyists. And they know. Because they’re lobbyists. I can’t imagine a better qualification for the job. You want to have someone talk about how bad lobbyists are, who are you going to get? A nun? A schoolteacher? A longshoreman? No. You’re going to get a lobbyist. You guys are really complicating a very simple issue. I am anti-lobbyist, so I hired a lobbying firm to fight lobbyists. Where’s the confusion?”

Recently McCain has had to let go campaign members tied to lobbyists, and others in his campaign have had to end their relationships with lobbying firms in order to remain with the campaign. McCain addressed the perception that he is as tied to lobbyists as many in Washington politics. “I know lobbyists, yes, of course,” McCain said, chuckling. “But that doesn’t mean I like them or I work closely with them. I mean, yes, they were on my campaign, but that doesn’t mean I was close to them. I sat very far away from them at the lunch table. If you were there you would have seen. There was just, there were miles of space in between me and those guys. Really. Miles. So much space.”

“It was just a decision I made from my gut, based on what I believe in,” McCain said after leaving the deli. “I didn’t want turkey and avocado, and no matter what anyone else thought, I was going to order what I wanted. And what I wanted was tuna salad.” McCain was with a group of approximately 12 people, mostly members of his campaign staff. They came to the deli for lunch following a campaign meeting at McCain’s Sedona ranch. Cindy McCain did not join them, as she is not allowed to eat.

Patrons who witnessed McCain’s courageous ordering were awed. “You know, you hear about his reputation, him being this guy who’ll do the unpopular thing, the brave thing,” said 27-year-old Alex Drimmel, who was in line behind McCain and his party. “But to see it up close, in person, just this courage all over the place. I mean, wow. It was…it was palpable. The courage. And so was the tuna salad.”

Later in the day, the McCain campaign issued a statement which referenced the event at the deli. The statement pointedly challenged Democratic Senators Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. “We wonder whether Senators Obama and Clinton would have had the courage, the confidence to make as bold a choice as Senator McCain made today. We think not. In fact, we’re fairly certain there would merely have been two more orders for the turkey and avocado special, had the two Democratic senators been in attendance.” The statement, written by McCain campaign spokesman Tucker Bounds, went on to say, “These are the kind of bold choices Senator McCain is ready to make for this country. Turkey and avocado won’t get us back to where we need to be as a nation. Senator McCain knows that and is willing to make the better choice.”

The first troubling incident came when a young woman asked a question of the Senator. She began, “My name is Marjorie Addams,” and then continued to ask a question about the solvency of Social Security. Mr. McCain’s reply was, “Thank you, Robert, for that question. And I admired your work in Zodiac very much.” He then went on to answer the question, amid murmurs in the crowd.

The next person to ask a question was a middle-aged man named David Meems. McCain pointed to a standing Meems and said, “Yes, Mr. Downey, Jr. You have a question?”

John McCain chats with attendees, following a town hall meeting in which he referred to everyone present as Robert Downey, Jr.

Meems, assuming the Senator was engaged in some kind of running joke, chuckled and said, “Yes, I do. But my name is David Meems, not Robert Downey, Jr.”

McCain responded, “Right. And my name’s Bugs Bunny. Go ahead and ask your question, Robert.”

And it went on, McCain calling another few questioners by the name Robert Downey, Jr., including one ten-year-old, to whom he said, “You, my friend, have aged extremely well. It’s uncanny.” He mentioned his battle in the fall with “the man I assume to be the Democratic nominee, Robert Downey, Jr.” Mr. McCain was likely referring to Barack Obama.

Finally, McCain’s campaign manager Rick Davis walked over to McCain and whispered in his ear. McCain listened, then took up his microphone and said to the crowd, “Uh, my friends, my campaign manager Robert Downey, Jr. tells me we have to get to an urgent meeting that is vital to national security. I’m so sorry to cut this short, but I have to head back to Washington and meet with Defense Secretary Robert Downey, Jr., and Secretary of State Downey, Jr. So I am sorry. Hopefully we’ll be able to come back here real soon. And I want to thank Robert Downey, Jr. and the VFW for having us. Thanks so much.”

And with that, McCain left the hall to a deafening, confused silence. There is skepticism in many circles, including the Clinton and Obama campaigns, as to whether there was, in fact, an urgent national security meeting in Washington. Nevertheless, Mr. McCain was quickly swept away to a waiting private jet. Witnesses say they heard him yelling to one of his aides over the sound of the airplane’s engines, “I’m very excited to see you in Iron Man, son. It looks like a barrel of fun.”

Today, McCain only furthered suspicion that he might not be as certain of the realities of the ethnic and religious divisions within Iraq and the greater Middle East. “My friends, I’m not the kind of guy to say ‘I told you so,’ but I knew we needed to stop Hitler at Munich. Unfortunately, my warnings were not heeded,” said McCain, who was two years old when the Munich Agreement was signed in 1938. “And now, my friends, the Nazis are in Iraq, making the challenge our troops face there even tougher. And it’s a shame. It’s just a shame. Because we’ve already got the Al Qaeda there. And the Sunni. And the Shia. And the Japanese. It’s just a mess. And it must be very crowded.”

Following the statement, it was a young woman in the audience, not a reporter, who confronted McCain about the inaccuracies in his comments (members of the news media have taken a blood oath never to confront Mr. McCain directly regarding any error or misstatement he may make). “Senator McCain, neither the Nazis nor the Japanese are in Iraq,” the audience member, who did not give her name, pointed out. “I am rather frightened that you don’t know that, or that you’re—that you appear to be confused about these facts. These very important facts.”

McCain shuffled his feet and chuckled a bit. “Well, young lady, everyone is entitled to their opinion, even young people. No, but I’ve been to Iraq several times now, and I know what the truth is on the ground over there. And these roadside bombs that the Nazis are blowing up all over the place, they’re not a figment of my imagination. They’re real. I may be old, but I’m not crazy. You mark my words. If we don’t defeat the Nazis now, they’ll go on and probably invade Poland. I’m telling you.”