President Obama introduces Larry Brillstein, his choice for Secretary of Panic, a new cabinet-level position. Brillstein almost didn’t make it to the White House due to his fear of going outside.

“Today I announce one of my most important appointments,” Mr. Obama said in prepared remarks. “Larry Brillstein will bring to this position the same level of paranoia and overreaction that he has brought to every job he has held so far in his life – one of which he lost due to an anxiety attack which occurred in front of customers.”

Mr. Obama said he chose to create the position, the first of its kind, because the country is in a “particularly heightened state of anxiety,” with the economic downturn, two wars being waged simultaneously, and most recently nuclear tests on the part of North Korea and missile tests on the part of Iran.

“This is a nerve-wracking time,” he said. “And who better to guide us through it than a man who once made and canceled the same doctor’s appointment eight times, because he was too scared to go? I am certain Larry is the right man for this job.”

Mr. Brillstein addressed the press, which he said was “frightening in a way you could not possibly imagine.”

“I almost didn’t make it here today,” Mr. Brillstein said. “I looked out my window and saw a man walking his dog. I was sure he was staring at me. I became very nervous and found it hard to breathe. It is this kind of experience that I will bring to the position of Secretary of Panic. I know panic. I know panic better than I know anything else in my life. And that worries me.”

Brillstein acknowledged his limited resume, but said he would give the position everything he had.

“You can be sure that when I wake up each day and think about the job ahead, I will be nervous almost to the point of incapacitation. I’ve never let a day casually go by before, and you can be certain I won’t start now. Thank you, Mr. President. And now I should probably go vomit.”

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President Barack Obama asks Vice President Joe Biden about a newly discovered provision in the White House budget which allocates $10 million to the purchase of Skittles.

“Joe, I’m just going to ask you flat out,” Mr. Obama is heard saying. “Did you put that provision in there? The Skittles thing?”

“Me? No. No way, Chief,” Biden said. “I would never.”

“Well, someone put it in there, Joe. And it wasn’t me.”

“Well, you know, now that you mention it,” Biden said, “I did see [Chief of Staff Rahm] Emanuel looking through the budget pretty intently. And he had a kind of look in his eye. Like maybe he wanted to do something. You know?”

“Uh huh,” Mr. Obama replied.

“Plus, plus, I happen to know he has a huge sweet tooth. Emanuel. Like a junkie with the candy and stuff like that. Can’t get enough.”

“Joe, you have Skittles in your pocket right now,” Mr. Obama pointed out. “They’re falling out. I can see them.”

“What, these? Oh, yeah, but I’m… I’m holding these for him. For Emanuel. They’re not mine,” Biden said. “See, that’s what I’m saying. He stashes this stuff everywhere!”

“Joe, this is just really sad,” Mr. Obama said. The microphone was apparently discovered at that point, and switched off or taken from the room. The last audible snippet is Mr. Biden saying, “Mr. President, if I was going to eat any candy, it’d be the Charleston Chew. Now, that’s a candy.” But a White House aide who spoke on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to discuss the matter, said that he believes Mr. Biden did eventually confess to inserting the provision into the budget.

“My assumption is that Vice President Biden must have broken down and admitted what he did at some point,” the aide said. “The president can be very persistent. But beyond that, everyone knew it was Joe, because the slip of paper he inserted into the budget document still had the ‘From the Desk of Joe Biden’ thing at the top of it. So it wasn’t really a tough case to crack.”

“I met with my economic team this morning,” Mr. Obama said. “And we agreed that a move like that, selling Joe to Japan, if it can bring a cash infusion into the U.S. economy, help to jump-start it in some way, then it has to be considered.”

Asked what he thought Mr. Biden might be worth, Mr. Obama said, “I don’t know the going rate for vice presidents, but he has to be able to fetch a pretty good price. He’s been a Senator a long time, he’s well-known. Handsome. He should bring in a decent amount, I would think.”

Mr. Biden had no comment.

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Following the inauguration of President-elect Barack Obama, President Bush will serve as White House Handyman, Mr. Obama and Mr. Bush announced today in a joint press conference.

Mr. Obama said Mr. Bush approached him about the position during a November meeting the two men had, when Mr. Obama and his wife, Michelle, were invited to the White House by Mr. Bush and First Lady Laura Bush. Mr. Obama said that following the meeting, as they walked to the door, Mr. Bush stopped him. “He said, ‘Hey, by the way, I don’t know if you have anybody in mind for Handyman yet, but it’s an important job. One that often gets overlooked. And I know someone who is a slam-bang fixit man if I do say so myself.’ And he pointed at himself with both thumbs. And he said, ‘This guy.’”

Mr. Bush said he realizes the move may be seen by many as a large-scale demotion, but that any perceptions of that kind don’t bother him. “I know what people may say,” Mr. Bush said. “‘Oh, it’s a step down, President to handyman. How can you do that? You must be crazy.’ You know, ‘You’re crazy, you’re crazy. Why are you so crazy? I wish you weren’t so crazy. You’re also not smart. You’re not a smart man. And you’re crazy.’ Things like that. Well, let me tell you, I don’t see anything crazy in putting your talents to use, whether it’s negotiating peace treaties or fixing a squeaky hinge. And I am one man who can fix a squeaky hinge with my eyes closed. Not that I would do it with my eyes closed, but you know what I’m saying. That hinge is no match for George W. Bush. That’s what I’m saying.”

Mr. Bush said he would start work immediately upon his return from a vacation, following the inauguration of Mr. Obama. He said he will waste no time fixing what needs to be fixed around the White House. “I already know there’s a loose doorknob on the toilet in the Master Bedroom,” he said. “So that’ll be number one. It’s loose because I took the screw out to use for a shelf in the bedroom. So I’ll just take the screw back out of the shelf again, and it’ll be fine.”

Mr. Obama turned to Mr. Bush and said, “But then the shelf won’t have a screw again.”

Mr. Bush looked at Mr. Obama for a moment and said, “What’s that now?”

President-elect Barack Obama works on his list of potential candidates to head the Central Intelligence Agency. Mr. Obama said the criteria he is weighing most heavily is the ability of the candidate to make him laugh.

“I want someone really funny, just side-splitting hilarity,” Obama said, as he jotted notes during lunch, before a meeting with top members of his transition team. Mr. Obama would not reveal the names on his list, but he did talk about who may or may not have what has become the main qualification for the job. “Well, let’s say this. I don’t want to give anything away, but Michael Hayden, as accomplished a man as he is, is not a hilarious guy. In fact, he’s pretty much the antithesis of funny. He’s like a stop sign for a joke that’s speeding down the street. He’s the pin that pokes a hole in the Funny Balloon, and everyone watches it deflate and gets sad, thinking about what might have been. Now, maybe he could be a straight man to a different, funnier guy. But then you have two CIA directors, and that doesn’t work.

“Now, on the other side, just as a for instance, Will Ferrell is a very funny guy. I’d even go so far as to say he’s hilarious. But would he make a good director of the CIA? It’s doubtful, given that he has no experience whatsoever that even remotely relates to government or intelligence work. So, it’s a give and take. Would I love Will Ferrell diving into a table during a briefing? Yeah. Would it make me laugh? Of course. But if you ask me if that would help us stop an attack from Al Qaeda, I’d have to say no.”

Obama talked about his reasons for placing the ability to make others laugh so high on his list of criteria for the position. “Well, this stuff, intelligence and what have you, it’s very serious, very dark stuff sometimes,” he said. “So if you can get someone in there who can give you a detailed, cogent rundown on the latest threats, but then do a killer impression of Joe Biden, I think that’s the ideal candidate. Because that’s the right mix. I mean, you need both in your life. You can’t just have severity and stern-faced seriousness all the time. You just can’t.”

“He just came out and asked me,” Biden said. “He just said, ‘Hey, Joe, what do you think about me in the adminsitration?’ And I said, ‘In what capacity?’ And he said, ‘I was thinking Secretary of Evil. You guys don’t have anyone like that right now.’ And I said, ‘No, we don’t, Dick. No, we don’t.’ And I told him I would certainly pass along his message to President-elect Obama and see what he says.”

Secretary of Evil has never been a cabinet-level position in any U.S. president’s administration. Experts said it was unlikely that Mr. Obama would create an entirely new post, especially one that would be filled by a member of the outgoing Bush administration.

Mr. Cheney could not be reached for comment, but President Bush, told of Mr. Cheney’s desire to serve in the Obama administration, said, “Oh, Secretary of Evil? Oh, he’d be great at that. That’s kind of what he is now. But what about me, though? I think I could help them, too. I’d be willing to serve, help out. Maybe, uh, maybe Secretary of Snacks or something. How about that? Do they have one of those?”