Play Quicktime Version »

More Mack Truck Episodes »

HENRY: Yes, this is The Henry “Mack Truck” Harvey Show. Welcome.

I’m just gonna put it out there.

Sarah Palin, I love you.

I think I loved you before I even knew who you were.

And I’ve always had a thing for moose, and I don’t think that’s a coincidence.

I think you should leave weird man and come and live with me.

I don’t have much to offer you. But let me tell you what I do have.

I have a lot of hair.

I have my own radio show.

My mother’s basement has been converted, and there’s plenty of room.

I floss.

I have never been convicted… of a felony… in the United States.

Our first caller is Mike from Montebello, California. Michael, go ahead.

CALLER: Yeah, I just want to say, you have absolutely no chance.

HENRY: Oh, really? Who says? You?

CALLER: Yeah. I mean, there’s no way she’s going to leave her husband in the middle of a presidential campaign. It’s just never going to happen.

HENRY: Oh, why, because he’s so great? What’s so great about him? He has a weird beard and beady little stupid eyes. What does he have?

CALLER: Money. Plus, they’ve had five kids together. They have five kids.

HENRY: So? I could have ten kids with her. What then? What if I impregnate her ten times?

CALLER: Uh…what?

HENRY: Then I’m double.

CALLER: She doesn’t even know you exist.

HENRY: Well, that’ll change. I’ve called her office 47 times already today.

CALLER: You’re going to get arrested.

HENRY: No, no. I’m going to get married.

Play Quicktime Version »

HENRY: All right, so Sarah Palin’s daughter, Britsol, is pregnant.

Here’s the truth – we have to kill this girl. It’s the only way.

I mean, how many times can we hide her behind Denny Hastert?

We have a campaign to run here.

“Bristol, you’re a beautiful, young girl. You have your whole life ahead of you. But it’s time to go now.”

“But didn’t I do the right thing? I didn’t have an abortion. I didn’t use a birth control. Didn’t I do the right thing?”

“Yeah, but your mom is running for Vice President now, so the ‘right thing’ is a little more cloudy than usual. And, uh, it’s over.”

Our first caller is Ed from Easton, Pennsylvania. Ed, go ahead. You’re on with The Mack Truck.

CALLER: Yeah, I just want to understand, you’re advocating murder?

HENRY: Sacrifice.

CALLER: Murder of a 17-year-old girl.

HENRY: Sacrifice, Ed.

CALLER: Well, what’s the difference what you call it? You’re still killing her.

HENRY: Yeah, but ritually. In a ritual. So it’s different.

CALLER: What kind of ritual? What are you talking about?

HENRY: A little ritual called, The Republican National Convention, my friend, Ed. The Republican National Convention.

Final night of the convention, McCain’s big speech. He calls Bristol Palin up on stage.

This great, sweet moment with the uncle forgiving the wayward teen.

And just as everything quiets down, he takes out a Revolutionary-era sword, and he chops off her head.

Boom. It’s done.

Shows he’s a man of action.

Shows he’s virile.

And shows he’s accurate with a sword. Which may come in handy at some point, though I can’t think of how right now.

Best convention speech ever.

Obama could never match that speech. You know why? Beause he’d never behead someone during a speech. Never.

And we win. On the basis of that momentum, from that speech, we win.

CALLER: I think, I think you’re sick.

HENRY: My friend, the world is sick. I’m just the medicine that doesn’t taste good.