The White House

The National Protrusion.com

Rahm Emanuel Quietly Strangles Cleaning Woman Who Saw Classified Documents

Mr. Emanuel said the strangling, “Went off without a hitch,” and he was back at work within a half hour.

Bush Unlikely to Get White House Security Deposit Back

President Bush said he was “very disappointed” to learn that he will likely not be receiving any of the $3,000 security deposit he put down when he took over the White House in January of 2001.

Gonzales Keeps Prank-Calling White House

Over the past several weeks, White House Switchboard Chief Operator Mary Brontson says the switchboard has received up to a dozen prank calls a day from former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales.

Thousands Offer to Return Stimulus Checks if Bush Will Leave Office Early

Bush, whose approval rating is the lowest in modern history, rejected the proposal during a brief exchange with reporters later in the day.

White House Task Force on Curiosity to Investigate Possible Inquisitiveness

The task force will investigate alleged acts of curiosity on the part of American citizens, reports of which have circulated on the internet.

White House Spokesman Has Recurring Dream of Chandelier Falling on Helen Thomas

White House Spokesman Tony Fratto admitted yesterday that he has a recurring dream in which a chandelier falls from the ceiling onto the head of veteran White House reporter Helen Thomas.

White House Proposes Immediate Withdrawal From Responsibility

White House Press Secretary Dana Perino announced a White House proposal today that would entail, “an immediate and total withdrawal from all responsibility for the problems the country faces.”

White House: We Don’t Torture, Unless by Torture You Mean Drowning, Beating to Death with Sticks or Suffocation

White House Press Secretary Dana Perino reiterated her assertion today that the United States does not torture detainees in its custody.

Pigeons Flying Over White House Will Be Shot Down

The White House issued a strong warning yesterday to all pigeons considering flying over the White House: Think twice.