Political Satire Disguised as News

The Mack Truck discusses Barack Obama’s stated intention to negotiate with Iran. It’s an excerpt from the May 19th episode of The Henry “Mack Truck” Harvey Show. A transcript follows the video.

 

 Henry "Mack Truck" Harvey - Obama, Appeasement and Iran: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

[click to continue...]

Washington – Congressman Warren App (D-Utah) attempted to veto a school funding bill that he himself had brought before the House of Representatives, saying, “Ah, what’s the use? Just screw it. I veto this…this God-forsaken bill. What’s the point anyway, huh? Tell me that. What’s the ever-loving point of anything?!”

Friends say App is in the throes of a deep depression, and has been behaving erratically for weeks. As a congressman, App doesn’t hold veto power, so the bill will indeed be voted on by the House, as first intended. If it passes the House, it will then go on to the Senate for a vote. Asked about the possibility of it reaching the Senate, App said, “Oh, who the hell cares? Life is meaningless. Don’t you see that? What difference is a stupid, dumb, totally stupid bill going to make?”

Washington - Newly-released documents reveal that Barney, one of President Bush’s two dogs, has been regularly consulted on issues of foreign policy and international relations, often being relied on for advice that is said to have been valued by Bush “as much as advice from Vice President Cheney.” The documents consist mainly of minutes from White House meetings and were obtained in a Freedom of Information Act request by the group People for Greater Ethics in Washington.

“What these documents show is that President Bush has had another main confidant, if you will, besides Vice President Cheney,” said Nelson Riegel, a researcher with the group. “In this case, that confidant is a Scottish Terrier.”

The White House was forced to address the issue on Saturday. White House Press Secretary Dana Perino was barraged with questions at a hastily-convened press briefing. Reporters wanted to know what expertise Barney has, and how it is he could be relied on for expert advice of any kind.

“Well, it may sound odd to those of you in the press, but Barney is, in fact, an expert on foreign policy matters,” Perino said. “He has been present during many high-level talks between the president and several of his top advisers. Many talks. He’s been there, chewing on that…thing he chews on. So, some may want to exclude certain types of, uh, experts from the discussions, but we don’t exclude in this administration. We include. We include many different types of expertise, from many different sources. So, yes, he may not be an expert in the ‘traditional’ sense, a human being who went to a fancy college, or served as an ambassador or something like that. His experience is different. Because…because he’s a dog. But we value that experience. The president values that experience. He values it so much, in fact, that he’s sure to give Barney one of those little bone-shaped biscuits he likes if he contributes something really useful.”

Members of the White House press corps were not appeased. They continued to confront Perino with questions about the matter, even as she urged them to move on to a different topic.

“How do they communicate, for God’s sake?” asked David Gregory of NBC.

“Well, David, if you’ve ever tried to communicate with a dog, you know that they use barking as their main form of communication,” Perino replied.

“I’m aware of that, yes.”

“Well, they–President Bush and Barney–have developed a system whereby the president understands, based on the number of barks, whether Barney is answering in the affirmative or in the negative,” Perino explained.

“So, so, like, for instance,” Gregory persisted, over the shouts of other reporters hoping to follow up on his question. “So the president says, for instance, ‘Barney, do you think military action against Iran is a good idea?’ And if Barney barks twice, that’s a yes?”

“No, David. No,” Perino scoffed. “Don’t be silly. Please. Two barks is a maybe. Three is a yes.”

Gregory then asked, “And is it the White House’s position, the president’s position, that this is a good idea, a good way to determine foreign policy?”

Perino squinted and said, “Uh, if the alternative is negotiating with terrorists, then yes, it is a good idea. It’s a fantastic idea, in fact.”

Later in the day President Bush was also confronted about the matter. Mr. Bush, in Egypt for a meeting with Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas, was asked by reporters to explain his working relationship with Barney. “Well, Barney has been with me a long time,” Bush said. “And I value his judgment. I value it very much. You know, some people might say, ‘He’s not an expert. He’s a dog.’ And that’s just not true. I mean, it is true that he’s a dog, it’s not true that he’s not an expert. He is an expert. Anyone who’s talked to him about these issues, foreign policy issues, so on, they’re amazed at his depth of understanding, his…his ability to grasp complex situations. Even with his…that tiny dog brain he has. I’m telling you, I wouldn’t be surprised if he had a bigger brain. A human-sized brain or something. Although, I guess that would be tough, since his head is so small.”

After a confused silence, Mr. Bush continued, “Look, I do things differently than other people. You should all know that by now. I do things differently than other presidents might do it. Other presidents might have a whole group of experienced, highly-educated foreign policy experts that they rely on whenever these kinds of questions come up. I have a dog that I rely on. So it’s the same thing. But different in a way, too. I mean, I can see how it’s different. But is it better or worse? I mean, who’s to say?”

Washington - These days, you can see Karl Rove on Fox News, where he serves as an on-air analyst, or read his columns in Newsweek or The Wall Street Journal. But what many people don’t know is that when he isn’t opining on the current election-year politics, he’s out pounding the pavement, searching for a new unusually underqualified politician that he can team up with. In short, he’s looking for a replacement for George W. Bush.

“What you’re looking for is someone who knows power, and is comfortable in those circles, but has no actual skills or acumen,” Rove said, as he sipped coffee and walked down a street in the upscale Dupont Circle section of Washington. He said he’s hoping to find a young, wealthy man, ideally the beneficiary of a large family fortune who doesn’t have much to do with his time and has no real desire to do anything in particular. “But you want them at that stage where they’re beginning to get sick of doing nothing,” Rove continued. “Where they’ve been hanging out and doing keg stands and bong hits so long that all that’s really getting old. They’re looking for something, but they don’t know what it is. That’s when I show up and say I have what they need. First they think I’m there to sell them pot, but then I tell them I can introduce them to the exciting world of politics. Then, usually I have to get past the initial disappointment that I really don’t have any pot to sell them. But eventually they get it, and they become interested.”

But Rove is not sure he’ll ever find a specimen as ideal as George W. Bush, whom Mr. Rove met when they were both young men. Rove convinced Bush to run for governor of Texas in 1994.

“It was a perfect relationship, really,” Mr. Rove said, almost with a sigh. “Because George, you know, he was like a piece of clay. He was so malleable, because of his low IQ and lack of understanding of what was going on around him, that you could just mold him into whatever you wanted him to be.”

Mr. Rove guided Mr. Bush to two terms as governor, and then two terms as President of the United States. Many people find this remarkable due to Mr. Bush’s lack of experience and/or qualifications. But Mr. Rove says that is precisely the point.

“You want someone with no qualifications. You want someone with as much of a blank slate as you can get, on his resume, but more importantly, in his head. Because then you can fill that head with whatever you need to be in there.” Rove continued, “Now, I don’t know that I’ll ever find a slate as blank as George’s. So, so blank. An endless canvas on which to create.” Rove looked down at his coffee and chuckled. “You know, you just have to ask yourself, ‘Can lightning strike twice?’ I don’t know, honestly. But I’m going to try to make it happen. Hey, look, there’s a dim-looking young guy getting out of that Porsche. I gotta go introduce myself.”

North Bend, WA – Presumptive Republican presidential nominee John McCain mistakenly thought everyone attending a town hall meeting here this morning was the actor Robert Downey, Jr. McCain referred to everyone he spoke to as “Robert Downey, Jr.,” though the actor was not in attendance. There is no word as to what may have caused Mr. McCain’s confusion, though he was rushed out of the town hall meeting, held at a local VFW hall, nearly 40 minutes before the event was scheduled to end, ostensibly to attend an “urgent national security meeting.”

The first troubling incident came when a young woman asked a question of the Senator. She began, “My name is Marjorie Addams,” and then continued to ask a question about the solvency of Social Security. Mr. McCain’s reply was, “Thank you, Robert, for that question. And I admired your work in Zodiac very much.” He then went on to answer the question, amid murmurs in the crowd.

The next person to ask a question was a middle-aged man named David Meems. McCain pointed to a standing Meems and said, “Yes, Mr. Downey, Jr. You have a question?”

Meems, assuming the Senator was engaged in some kind of running joke, chuckled and said, “Yes, I do. But my name is David Meems, not Robert Downey, Jr.”

McCain responded, “Right. And my name’s Bugs Bunny. Go ahead and ask your question, Robert.”

And it went on, McCain calling another few questioners by the name Robert Downey, Jr., including one ten-year-old, to whom he said, “You, my friend, have aged extremely well. It’s uncanny.” He mentioned his battle in the fall with “the man I assume to be the Democratic nominee, Robert Downey, Jr.” Mr. McCain was likely referring to Barack Obama.

Finally, McCain’s campaign manager Rick Davis walked over to McCain and whispered in his ear. McCain listened, then took up his microphone and said to the crowd, “Uh, my friends, my campaign manager Robert Downey, Jr. tells me we have to get to an urgent meeting that is vital to national security. I’m so sorry to cut this short, but I have to head back to Washington and meet with Defense Secretary Robert Downey, Jr., and Secretary of State Downey, Jr. So I am sorry. Hopefully we’ll be able to come back here real soon. And I want to thank Robert Downey, Jr. and the VFW for having us. Thanks so much.”

And with that, McCain left the hall to a deafening, confused silence. There is skepticism in many circles, including the Clinton and Obama campaigns, as to whether there was, in fact, an urgent national security meeting in Washington. Nevertheless, Mr. McCain was quickly swept away to a waiting private jet. Witnesses say they heard him yelling to one of his aides over the sound of the airplane’s engines, “I’m very excited to see you in Iron Man, son. It looks like a barrel of fun.”

An excerpt from the May 11th episode, in which the Mack Truck discusses the difference between Jeremiah Wright and John Hagee. Below the video is a transcript.

[click to continue...]

 

 5-11 Henry "Mack Truck" Harvey Show - John Hagee vs. Jeremiah Wright: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

In this excerpt from the May 5th episode of The Henry “Mack Truck” Harvey Show, the Truck talks about the Clinton and/or Obama health care plans, and how at heart they boil down to socialism.

 Henry "Mack Truck" Harvey Show - Socialized Medicine: Download

An excerpt from the May 4th episode of The Henry “Mack Truck” Harvey Show, in which the Mack Truck discusses the uproar over recent comments made by Senator John McCain. A transcript follows the video.

 

 Henry "Mack Truck" Harvey Show - McCain and Oil: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

[click to continue...]

By Hillary Rodham Clinton

Hi, small-town America! You all probably know me by now. Or at least you know what you’ve seen on TV and read in the papers. But do you know the real me? The real person behind the public persona? I’m not sure many people do. So let me tell you straight out: I’m exactly the same as all of you. Except I have millions of dollars, I’m a U.S. Senator, and I’m a former First Lady. And you’re none of those things. But other than that, we’re exactly the same.

How are we the same, you may ask? Well, firstly, I love beer, just like you. I mostly love very cheap beer, in a can. The kind you can get a whole case of for under ten dollars. I also love to watch lots of Monday Night Football while I drink the beer I bought for under ten dollars. Monday Night Football or Nascar. Either one’ll do for me.

I also love guns. I adore them. In fact, I used to shoot them behind my grandfather’s shed, which he built himself. Have I mentioned that? I’m not sure I have. I love sheds. And grandfathers. I especially love sheds that grandfathers build themselves.

I love trucks, also. Big, huge trucks that eat up as much gas as an 18-wheeler and are jacked up real high. I love driving those. I like to drive those after I’ve shot a gun behind my grandpa’s shed, right before heading to the local liquor store and buying beer in a can that costs under ten dollars a case.

Oh, and I love church. And God. There’s nothing better, after a Saturday night drinking a ten-dollar case of beer, then driving a huge truck to the church and praying really hard. My faith is almost as strong as my love for guns and beer and trucks. In fact, it might just be stronger. My faith in God has seen me through some tough times. You? Yeah, I thought so. I thought we had that in common, too.

See? I love all the things that you love. I do all the things that you do. I feel the same way you do about this country. I’m just like you. Heck, I am you. So how can you not vote for me, when a vote for me is really a vote for you?

Washington – Seeking to address the worsening U.S. financial crisis, President Bush said today that the nation could have the 52 cents he found on the floor of one of several armored limousines used for presidential travel. “I was going to use it to get some chewing gum or something like that,” Mr. Bush said from the South Lawn of the White House. “But then I thought, ‘No. I’ll give it to the Nation. They need it more than I do at a time like this.’ Plus, you can’t get anything good for 52 cents anyway. Maybe, like, 10 pieces of Bazooka.”

Asked if he was offering any further solutions towards easing the crisis, Mr. Bush thought for a moment and said, “Uh, no. This is it for now. But I don’t know if you heard me when I said the Nation doesn’t have to pay this back. It’s a gift. No strings attached.”

A reporter pointed out that with a U.S. population of roughly 300 million, 52 cents isn’t going to go very far, when divided up among everyone in the country.

“Well, what does that mean, I shouldn’t do it?” Bush retorted. “If you can save a cat in a tree, do you not do it because you’re…you’re not going to make enough of a profit? No. You save the cat. You always save the cat.”

The reporter responded, “Well, Sir, it works out to roughly 1.73 times 10 to the negative 9 cents per person, to be more precise.”

Bush responded, “Okay, well, first of all, I have no idea what you just said. And second of all, so what? 52 cents is 52 cents. You know what, how about this – you don’t get your share. Then there’s that much more for everybody else. There’s another 1.73 to the ten-oh-nine or whatever it is, to give to the others. You know, I was going to look through the insides of our other limos, too. But now…now I’m not so sure.”

National Protrusion Television (NPTV) is proud to announce its partnership with popular conservative radio host Henry “Mack Truck” Harvey. The National Protrusion will post excerpts from the show, which are also available as podcasts on iTunes and via the links at the bottom of this post. A transcript of the excerpt follows below the video as well.

Podcast versions:

 

 4-25 Henry "Mack Truck" Harvey Show - Obama's Supporters: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

 

 4-25 Henry "Mack Truck" Harvey Show: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

[click to continue...]