by Henry “Mack Truck” Harvey

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Washington - President Bush asked the top NASA administrator if his team of engineers could “get me back to 2002, like maybe January.” Mr. Bush is apparently longing for the days earlier in his presidency, specifically the months following the 9/11 terrorist attacks, when his approval rating hovered around 80%. He is currently wildly unpopular. In a June Los Angeles Times/Bloomberg Poll, only 23% of Americans said they approved of the job he was doing.

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President Bush calls NASA Administrator Michael Griffin to ask about being transported back in time to the year 2002.

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Irving, TX - Rex V. Tillerson, CEO of Exxon Mobil Corporation, released a statement today pledging the company’s commitment to “reducing this great nation’s dependence on oil that is produced and brought to market by companies other than Exxon Mobil.” The statement went on to say that the United States can no longer afford to be at the mercy of several oil giants at the same time.

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A Mobil gas station in Brooklyn, New York.

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Washington - President Bush said he was “shocked” by the expectations of a United States president as outlined in the position’s job description. Bush read the job description for the first time after finding it under his desk in the Oval Office. The document was apparently under the desk for Bush’s entire time in office, since being handed to him by former President Clinton during the transition between the two administrations.

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President Bush reads the job description he recently found under his desk. It was apparently under the desk for the entire time Mr. Bush has been in office.

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By Samuel A. Alito, Jr.

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Washington - Over the past several weeks, White House Switchboard Chief Operator Mary Brontson says the switchboard has received up to a dozen prank calls a day from former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. “I know he may be unhappy about not being Attorney General any more, and maybe he’s lonely or doesn’t have much to do or something like that,” Mary said, “But we have work to do. Important calls to take. We can’t be tied up answering prank calls from Mr. Gonzales all day.”

Former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales with the telephone he uses to prank-call the White House.

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Washington - Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said today that Democrats in the Senate will do their best from now on not to “make any noise or otherwise disturb hardworking Senate Republicans.” The pledge comes after several Senate Republicans complained about Democrats voicing opinions and otherwise making noise on the Senate floor.

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Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid appeared with other Senate Democrats to announce their vow to remain quiet while Senate Republicans are trying to get work done.

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USS Nimitz - Presumptive Republican presidential candidate John McCain flew an F-18 Hornet into Iranian airspace today and dropped several 2,000 lb. bombs on what he thought were important military targets. The bombs were actually dropped into a cluster of camels in an otherwise abandoned stretch of desert. One camel was reportedly wounded. McCain was not fired upon by Iranian air defense forces, presumably because he was nowhere near a significant target, and he returned to the USS Nimitz aircraft carrier at approximately 2PM Eastern Standard Time.

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Senator John McCain piloting the F-18 Hornet he used to single-handedly invade Iran.

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Minneapolis, MN - Presumptive Republican presidential nominee John McCain said today he “strongly opposes” a proposal made by John McCain regarding nuclear energy. McCain made a proposal Wednesday that the United States should invest in up to 45 new nuclear reactors by 2030. Today he said he opposes that proposal, though it was unclear if he was aware it was his proposal in the first place. [keep reading the goodness…]

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