The National Protrusion

By Barack Obama

It’s become increasingly obvious to me that one of the reasons I’m not getting a higher percentage of the vote in some of the Democratic primaries may be that people are confused by my message - my message of Hope. I know it sounds simple enough. I thought it was a pretty basic, universally understandable concept. I thought people understood. Apparently, I was wrong.

I think the main problem is that Americans have gone so long without having any hope, that they’ve simply forgotten what it is. What’s more, they’ve forgotten such a word ever existed. As a result, they have no idea what I’m talking about, when I talk about Hope.

Allow me to give an example. A woman in Pennsylvania came up to me outside a diner, and asked me why I was spreading the message of the Pope. She said, “Don’t we have enough religion rammed down our throats as it is?”

I told her “No, no. I respect the Pope, but my message is the message of Hope.”

She said, “What? The message of rope?”

I said, “No, the message of Hope.”

“Nope?”

“Hope.”

“What? Dope?”

I said, “No, no. The message of Hope. Hope.”

And on and on it went. It should be no surprise I lost Pennsylvania.

So perhaps it’s time for a little refresher course in the meaning of Hope. Merriam-Webster defines Hope as “desire accompanied by expectation of or belief in fulfillment.” Now, I know it’s been a long time for you, the American people, since your desires have been fulfilled. Believe me, I don’t blame you for forgetting the meaning of a word so seldom used in the America of George W. Bush and his administration. So might I suggest you take a moment or two to study up on the word a bit, and the accompanying concept. That way, there won’t be any more confusion about my message, and everyone will know where I stand. Otherwise I may have people coming up to me in Indiana asking why I’m spreading the message of Soap.

Philadelphia, PA – On the eve of the all-important Pennsylvania primary, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton told supporters here that if elected she will, “Not only catch Osama Bin Laden, but then I will kill him, strangle him with my bare hands. And then, once he’s dead, I will break his face open with some kind of instrument, and I will drink his blood to send a message to all the other terrorists out there: you mess with President Hillary Clinton, you get strangled to death and your blood sucked out of a hole where your face used to be.”

Mrs. Clinton’s statement was merely the latest in a series attempting to prove she is stronger on issues of foreign policy than her rival, Senator Barack Obama. She hopes voters will value her experience, and her toughness, which she focused on today.

“Senator Obama may be a fine man,” Mrs. Clinton continued. “But I doubt very much that, if put face-to-face with Osama Bin Laden, he would have the strength of character to do what I would do. Oh, he may punch and slap and that kind of thing. But wussy backhanded smacks aren’t going to be enough in this post-9/11 world. We need toughness, and we need the kind of fearlessness that I will bring to the White House. Would Senator Obama strangle Bin Laden with his bare hands? His delicate, slightly effeminate hands? I don’t know. Would he beat Bin Laden’s head against the ground mercilessly, like I would, until it looked like a…a cooked tomato? And then, would he be able to break open the face, and drink that blood? I don’t know. I just don’t know. With me, you know where I stand. I know how to break a face. I’ve made a lifetime of it. In fact, they once called me ‘Facebreaker,’ because of all the faces I broke. Has Senator Obama ever been called ‘Facebreaker?’ I doubt it. I doubt it very much.”

Washington – President Bush today proposed $3.2 billion in emergency supplemental funds to go towards the creation of new, more sustainable greenhouse gases. In remarks in the White House Rose Garden, Mr. Bush said he fears that old supplies of the gases are running dangerously low, and new development is urgently needed.

“We cannot allow these precious gases to run out, or rely on the fact that they’ve been so plentiful for so long,” Mr. Bush said. “The earth does not belong to us. Yet. We must take the initiative, and do what is necessary to develop new gases that are equal to or greater than the dependable carbon dioxide or methane.” Mr. Bush then unveiled the $3.2 billion emergency aid package designed to facilitate the creation of the gases.

But in order to reach that ambitious goal, Mr. Bush said, American scientists and others will have to innovate like never before. “It was an American that invented the light bulb, the artificial heart, the all-you-can-eat buffet,” he said. “Surely minds that good can come up with gases that burn hotter, are released more easily, and which do more irreversible damage than our current gases. I’m doing my part, getting you the necessary funds to address this vital issue. You must do your part, and create gaseous destruction.”

Mr. Bush went further in detailing his goals, while specifically addressing his opposition to the “cap and trade” system that is at the heart of legislation the Senate is beginning to consider. That legislation would impose mandatory limits on emissions. “Not only do I oppose such a bill, but with the aid of these newly developed greenhouse gases, I propose a goal of an 80% increase in greenhouse gas emissions by 2015,” Mr. Bush said. “I think those in favor of ‘cap and trade’ will find it difficult to make these types of proposals when they’re swimming in what used to be the ice caps.”

Washington – It was revealed yesterday that former Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales has recently been spending much of his time urging a nearby Subway restaurant to implement new, enhanced sandwich-making techniques. Gonzales said the techniques would “greatly increase the rate and success of sandwich-making.”

“I’m telling you, the way you’re doing things now is just crazy,” Gonzales told Albert Mendleson, the manager of the Subway restaurant at 1331 F Street. “You go soft on people when you’re making these sandwiches, it takes forever. They want pickles. No, no, they want cucumbers. They want ketchup. They don’t. They do. It’s insane. So what I suggest is this: enhanced techniques. You get lettuce, and that’s it. You don’t like it, you get nothing. And I’m telling you, that line will move.”

It remains unclear whether Gonzales, who has had a difficult time securing employment in the private sector since resigning as Attorney General, is simply bored and has chosen to focus his attention on the Subway matter, or if he is angling for some kind of management position within the company or at a particular store. Whatever the reason for Gonzales’s interest, Mendleson seemed hesitant to take up the suggestion. “I have to clear everything with corporate,” Mendleson tried to explain. “I mean, I can’t make changes to the paint color in the bathrooms without their OK, let alone something like this. You know, increased, uh, whatever that thing was you said.”

“Enhanced. It’s enhanced,” Gonzales snapped. “Look, I don’t see how they could be against it. First of all, it’ll increase productivity, because it will take a fraction of the time to make each sandwich. It’s cost-effective, because you’re going to use less vegetables and condiments. And it lets people know, you come to Subway, you’re going to eat it the way they want it or you’re not going to eat at all. In fact, we could make it go further, and say if you complain about your sandwich, you’re locked in a room with no light for seven days. I don’t know. I’m just throwing things out there.”

Mendleson hesitated, then said, “Um, listen, I know you’ve been in a lot of important positions and whatnot, but what you’re suggesting is giving people no choice whatsoever in what kind of sandwich they get.”

“Yeah, that’s right.” Gonzales replied. “Why should they get a choice? Because Jared tells them they should?”

“But, why would they want to come here then?” Mendleson asked.

Gonzales seemed stumped for a moment, then he seemed to give up his fight. “You know what, you do what you want,” Gonzales said. “It’s your loss. I can’t make you see reason if you refuse to. Just give me a footlong tuna on white, will you? And an application.”

Bay Ridge, Brooklyn - NY – At this morning’s campaign stop in the Bay Ridge section of Brooklyn, John McCain vowed that if elected, he will “defeat the forces of Nazism in Iraq, and also the Japanese forces that are there, which is well known.” The comments were the latest example of what many see as confusion on McCain’s part regarding the makeup of the Iraqi insurgency. He has referred several times to cooperation between Iran, a predominately Shiite nation, and Al Qaeda in Iraq, a group which is largely Sunni. Earlier this week McCain seemed to repeat the error once again when questioning Iraq commander Gen. David Petraeus in Senate hearings.

Today, McCain only furthered suspicion that he might not be as certain of the realities of the ethnic and religious divisions within Iraq and the greater Middle East. “My friends, I’m not the kind of guy to say ‘I told you so,’ but I knew we needed to stop Hitler at Munich. Unfortunately, my warnings were not heeded,” said McCain, who was two years old when the Munich Agreement was signed in 1938. “And now, my friends, the Nazis are in Iraq, making the challenge our troops face there even tougher. And it’s a shame. It’s just a shame. Because we’ve already got the Al Qaeda there. And the Sunni. And the Shia. And the Japanese. It’s just a mess. And it must be very crowded.”

Following the statement, it was a young woman in the audience, not a reporter, who confronted McCain about the inaccuracies in his comments (members of the news media have taken a blood oath never to confront Mr. McCain directly regarding any error or misstatement he may make). “Senator McCain, neither the Nazis nor the Japanese are in Iraq,” the audience member, who did not give her name, pointed out. “I am rather frightened that you don’t know that, or that you’re—that you appear to be confused about these facts. These very important facts.”

McCain shuffled his feet and chuckled a bit. “Well, young lady, everyone is entitled to their opinion, even young people. No, but I’ve been to Iraq several times now, and I know what the truth is on the ground over there. And these roadside bombs that the Nazis are blowing up all over the place, they’re not a figment of my imagination. They’re real. I may be old, but I’m not crazy. You mark my words. If we don’t defeat the Nazis now, they’ll go on and probably invade Poland. I’m telling you.”